Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Moving forward

Everything is so scary right now. H knows that I know about the OW, still denies they are anything more than friends, but that "yes I would be upset if you did that with another man". Can't have it both ways hun.

Yesterday during R talk, he was so beside himself with pain. I can tell that he has absolutely no self-esteem, thinks he is not good enough, and is hurting something awful. My heart breaks for him, because he is a good man, he is a great father, and in some ways I contributed to the bad feelings he has for himself. I am not responsible for his R with OW, but I am responsible for the fact that I have ignored him for the last few years.

H is so torn about what to do because he doesn't want to leave his kids, knows that his family will be very dissappointed in him if he leaves, and doesn't want to hurt anyone. that has always been an issue, he does foolish things or tells lies to try to make everyone happy.

I read some IM between H and OW. They are acting like teenagers, but even in the IM I can hear his insecurities. Last night before I left for work he said he has always loved me and will try to work it out. First commitment he made in that regard. This morning when texting in front of me, he said who he was texting and immediately tried to explain. IDK if it is true, can't see the call log until tomorrow. IDK if I want to know.

The question is what do I do now. I want to be friends, I know to act friendly, not ask questions about OW. He has always been the pursuer and that is a big issue, so a 180 would be to show him love, caring, words of affection. I know that is what he is craving, I know that is what he needs, I know that is what she is giving him. Is it against DB to do that? It would be a 180 for me. I haven't given him compliments or acknowledged his good points. I want to do that. I really don't want him to hurt.

I know, I can't control how he feels. I can only control my reaction to his feelings.

Advice welcome.

I posted on my newcomers thread too, but I need to ask here as well. I don't know what to do. I just don't know if I can sit in my own home and tolerate what H is doing. I want to stay married and honor my vows, but he has broken every moral I hold dear. How am I supposed to respect myself if I allow this to happen under my own roof while I live here. He took my son with him on one of their "friend dates". How do I protect him from that exposure?

I can't deal with this!! I am hurting so bad right now and I just want to make him hurt too. He thinks nobody knows, but his parents, my parents, everyone already suspects. I can't help him, but I need to take care of myself and I told know if I can respect myself if I continue to support this by not doing something.

Oh God! Help me!
K

Hi Sonshyn,

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. It is very painful and confusing and I wish you weren't going through this. I'm beginning to be a firm believer in "follow your heart." Take time out to yourself and ponder what is going on, what your relationship was like when you were in love, what your husband is/was like. Think about all of these things and follow your heart. I have really been following my heart the past couple of days and I think it is paying off. Not everything that I'm doing is strictly according to the book, but with guidance from the book I have been able to pursue my wife without her knowing it. I too was guilty of ignoring my W and not paying her compliments, etc for the past few years. Lately I have been making sure to show her love in very subtle ways. For example, she's moving back into our home tomorrow (strictly for financial reasons), so what I did was clean out the spare room for her. This is something I know she'll appreciate and see as an act of love and kindness. It also shows that I am respectful of her wishes not to share a room w/me. I've also been making sure to open the car door for her (something I had always done but stopped doing for the past couple of months). She's been very appreciative of that. Anyhow, those are small things and I have begun to see a very small change in her. I guess my point is that the book offers excellent guidance, just be sure to also listen to your heart.

I know how you feel about your H breaking all of your moral values, but be careful not to throw the first stone. Remember, if he is repentant it would be right for you to forgive him. I know this is hard, but with God's grace you can do this. However, you should definitely not allow your son to go with him on anymore play dates. Find a way to make sure your H understands that without it turning into a confrontation. Say something like, "this time can be very confusing for our son and I don't want to add to his confusion by having him participate in any play dates that he may later ask questions about." I don't know, just try to be neutral and make it about your son, not about how you feel about the OW. I hope you find some peace in your heart.

God bless.

Hey WP,

I think the biggest problem that I am having is that H is not repentant. He hasn't said anything about being wrong or sorry. I continues to maintain that they are "just friends". The only thing he said he did wrong was lie about where he was on Saturday night.

Tonight, he is "ice fishing" with buddies. He is dressed rather nicely for ice fishing, but I can't continue to worry about that. I am home with the kids, and frankly prefer their company right now.

K

He needs to go. Sorry, it's true.

He has no respect for you and will continue to cake-eat as long as you let him, all the while inflicting emotional scars that can take you years to overcome.

1) If he is in an active affair, you are wasting your time trying to get him to come around. Give him some curb time.
2) HE needs to be the one who comes to YOU and says he would like to work on the R. Until then? Curb time.

I'm not saying be some raving lunatic biatch, but you need to be firm and let him know you will NOT play second fiddle in a three-way R.

Hey Sonshyn,

They all do the same crap, don't they! They are unremorseful, self-centered, and absolutely egotistical. I think from both of ours sits it's very obvious that we are married to some serious cake-eaters who want it all and on top of that don't want to look like the bad guy. Do you all have very good family times? Did you have very good times together as a couple? If so, I think you should have confidence in those moments and simply give him the curb time he deserves. If he loves you maybe he'll see what he is giving up and come back. If not, to hell with him. I'm sorry to sound so harsh this morning, if you read my post you'll see where I'm coming from. I'm just sick to death of this crap from our spouses! You have to know what you can live with, but don't just hold on to him out of fear. Good luck.

WP

Well after spending NYE home alone while H was "ice fishing" I did a lot of thinking, soul searching, and listening.

I know that he was with OW last night. He made a point to tell me that his cell was acting up and if I needed to get a hold of him to call his work cell (yeah right). He sent me a TM at 1 am and merely said Happy New Year. H sent me a TM this am at 1030 to say "in route". Couldn't be bothered to call and check on kids or anything.

Then when H gets home he is chipper, talking about going and doing family stuff this afternoon, telling me all these details of what they did, but wearing clothes that he didn't bring with him yesterday. What a crock. He was overly attentive to the kids, more than usual, which I'm sure was his guilt.

So after supper I asked if I could talk to him and said, "I think that we need to live seperately for a while. I suspect that you have some strong feelings for this OW and I cannot live in the same house with you while you are continuing to disregard my feelings. I have asked you to stop contact and you have refused, so I think you need to leave for a while. When you are ready to work on our R and leave OW out of the picture, I will be here."

I also said to him that he never even apologized for spending the night at her house, h just apologized for lying about where he was. I called him on several lies over the last week and he hasn't accepted responsibility for any of them. Well, I need to take care of myself and I can't do that with him in the same house as me.

H kept saying that he didn't know where he would go. I suggested his parents house (they know all about this and think that his behavior is disgusting). He wanted to wait until the weekend to speak with them and I said that would be fine.

I feel a little more peaceful now. I'm terribly sad that my M is this rocky, but I know that this is the best thing for me and my kids. they need a happy mom and I can't be that with this disrespect and behavior going on in my home.

I hope I feel as strong tomorrow.

K

Hi Sonshyn,

Don't worry if you don't feel this strong tomorrow, it comes and goes. I feel very sad for you too and I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I decided yesterday that there was really no point in continuing this charade w/my W. We go around acting like a family and spending time together, etc., but we really are not a family. And until she's ready to stop talking to the OM (which she won't do) then there's really nothing for me to hold on to. Anyhow, I found a way to make some extra money, so she can afford to move out on her own, which is what she wants. I still love her very much and I hope that we can work things out, but I just don't see it happening as long as we live in the same house and my feeling continue to be completely ignored. I think you are making the right choice. Your H needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Keep your head up and focus on yourself and your kids.

WP

Sonshyn,

Yes, your views may go back and forth but I think you did an amazing thing speaking to your h in that way. You deserve so much more than a 3-way relationship. That can never be a marriage. What you said you said for yourself and for your marriage. I hope that you feel proud of yourself, amidst the terrible sadness you must feel. They are not ready to work on the m until the OP is out of their systems. We cannot change that.

Wow Sonshyn,

It's been awhile since I first responded to you and alot has transpired. I'm so sorry.
You have handled it all very well and your children will indeed take note.



This is powerful. The issue of respect is huge. It sounds like you've read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. If not, you should - it will reinforce what you are doing.




As Puppy would say: CONSEQUENCES

Let your H figure it all out by himself. Until he starts feeling the consequences, nothing will change.

Stay strong!