Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Detach>Worse>Weird>Better ???

Sophie,
My friend moved in 2002 to another state. I do not hear from him very often, but the few emails that I have received, he appears to be still bouncing around. He's not angry any longer, but his memory is shot and he is still lying.

If your holiday was a good one, cherish it. Pull the memories out when you are feeling down, for they will help you through the rough patches.

Enjoy your day to yourself.

Well...H avoided another new years eve with kids/me/family...that's okay...I dont' care for my sake. And now, the kids have made plans with their own friends.

I probably backslid but I called H to make sure he didn't want to be with the kids...and he picked up on my edginess and got really defensive.

H said he didn't care about new years and was going to his buddies house to play cards, that he did NOT want to go to a party.

I said something about his lack of effort to spend time with the kids...that I did not want to be the one in his way...why didn't he think to be with his kids if he wants full custody????

Then, I said that I don't have any money to pay him for anything because all my christmas gift money from my mom was sitting in a Lawyer's office.

Get the...

H asks me if I have a lawyer????!!!

I said I had 21 days to get one and respond to papers the sheriff brought me. Didn't you lawyer send you a copy or tell you???

H said no, he hadn't heard a thing/

How can that be??????? MY L responded and I got a copy the day before Thanksgiving...How in the heck does H not know about my response?

Oh...and the reason H didn't come over for Thanksgiving was because as he said, 'He didn't want to play 'family'....

what????

Okay...I really, really, really get what you tell me, Snodderly, that H is out of his mind. He has never seemed more insane, a lunatic, than he did in the short conversation we had.

Sophie,
No you don't get it. You are still expecting him to do what you think he should be doing. He's not living at home, he's separated and most likely divorced from you in his mind already. He's definitely emotionally detached from you and you aren't helping the situation any by calling him.

If your h wants to spend time with the kids, he'll make the effort. You can't make him do it nor is it your job to make him feel guilty about it. Step back and think about what you are doing...you are acting like his mother and not his wife and/or friend. Your h has told you that he doesn't want to play family, so leave him out there to play single for a while.

Leave him alone, do not contact him unless it is an emergency. The less you pursue, the more likely he will start coming around. Stop expecting him to be what he use to be....a loving husband and father. That man is gone for a long while.

Focus on your kids, home and family and once again, leave him out there to swing in the wind.

Oh poop...I SO don't want to be his mother..



How come he can play family one weekend, then not the next???

I know the answer...it still just blows me away.

He started to blame me for not seeing his kids...and that really irks me!! I makes NO effort...it is very hard to say nothing to such false, and ugly, accusations.

Where is the difference between being a 'mother' and being an adult woman standing up for what is right?

I keep thinking of things from your response, Snodderly.

It's okay for him to play family sometimes....then, at his whim...he doesn't want to play family.

Does my detachment include ignoring this insane, selfish behavior???

Which desire to I 'go with'...he hangs out with us like 'family'...or he doesn't want to hang out with us like 'family'??

He rides the coattails of my work. I haven't really minded because I would do what I do with or without him. He never creates any event on his own for anyone.

Should I completely stop him from hanging out in my house? Or do I continue to just go with the flow...when he is here, I do what I want and I don't cater to him. I am friendly...but not so much a friend. I listen, but rarely say much about myself. I don't offer any assistance or help...I just listen.

H is 'tanking' financially and only sees selling things, cutting insurance back etc...and the solution.

H is stupid.

In a way, I am embarassed, more often now, to have ever hooked up with him.

Sophie,
You are over analyzing his every move. Would you do this with a friend who is depressed? Learn to ignore his behavior. Plan you day, week, etc., as if he will not be around. If he shows up, fine. Your expectations are too high for this man right now.
Don't call him again about seeing the kids. If he wants to play family, he'll let you know. You are now both parents because he can't be that "dad" to his children full time.

Learn to accept him the way he is right now. He is the mirror image of the man you knew pre-crisis. He's a kid again and we all know how kids are....they look to mom to take care of everything. He's got to grow up and you do not want him back the way he is right now.

Your h isn't stupid...he's in crisis/depression...there be a huge difference. If your h were stupid, he would not have gotten as far as he has in life and married you and had a wonderful family. You are being judgemental and you cannot be that way when someone is in crisis/depression. They do things that we do not approve or like, but that's depression controlling the situation.

I suggest that you go to the MLC Resoures thread and read and re-read the postings there. They will help you better understand what is going on. Also, read up on depression. Men handle depression differently than women.

Hi Snodderly...I had to tell you that I like the little 'slap back' to reality you gave me this morning.

I told you I did a little back slide. I completely went back to the place where I 'expect' H to act like the other grown ups I know.

I just cracked...plus, I think I crashed a little from the facade of xmas.

It kind of helped me though, to hear H whine about the same thing he has whined about for 4 years. I'm sure the conversation was a digression for him as well....but, I feel 'free' again today.

Thanks for the reminder...and I hope you ever feel like a broken record.

oh for pete's sake...

H called this evening after he was done with work...he said he was going to call yesterday, I don't know why, to try to make contact w/kids or something???

I was not surprised that H didn't call yesterday...I did not want him to anyway.

Today he calls...he spoke as if nothing was said between us about D and Lawyers on New years eve.

H hinted around that he had nothing to do tonight...he asked what we were doing...and IF he wanted to see the kids...he couldn't say/ask anything about it.

I didn't say too much and felt awkward...so, I said a couple things about football...the Chargers have a big game tomorrow:)...and he enjoyed that. I am just 'one of the guys'....yea.

Got a bill today from L for time spent on his error! I don't think I should have to pay for time L spends correcting his error...right???

yesterday was a soccer game. Mr C coaches..and I am attracted to him.

But...because there was a soccer game, H showed.

H took s10 to get a drink after the game to another part of the gym...Mr C and I spoke some and I felt a bit uneasy that H would pick up on 'something' between Mr C and me. I felt guilty for having fun/nice feelings for someone else.

s10 rode with H and came here to watch football.

H asked if I wanted anything from the store...he was going for snacks.

I made philly steak sandwiches for everyone.

We had a good time...the Chargers won:)

I was distracted in my mind all night by Mr C. But, still enjoyed being around H.

Game was over...H was falling in and out of sleep. I needed to get to bed and went upstairs to wash my face and get ready for bed. I never went back downstairs. I let H and kids decide what to do.

I felt/ and still do/ like I was rude for not seeing H to the door.

s10 ended up going with H...s14 didn't want to go.

So...H and s10 will be coming back here sometime today.

Hi Sophie,


No, no, no, no, no!! Snap out of it! He has to go on this journey by himself and he can get out of the *%$@ door by himself too.

Remember - Your H filed for D, he's trying to dismiss you. That's RUDE!

STAY STRONG.