Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Making my own good karma!!

I think the variety of what we were going to use, made it more fun. We could see which really worked the best and then vary the method on different parts... A woodchipper here, a chainsaw there, a dally and drag there! LOL!!! Hope everyone is having a great day. Bill Engval is awesome in person, so is Larry the Cable Guy, a great way to get your PMA going!!!

We're supposed to have snow starting today. I hope the show isn't cancelled. S17 and I have been really looking forward to this.

S17 is also my "date" tonight at my company X-mas party!

I'm even making him wear a tie!!

Poor kid!

How was the Christmas Party? Did your S survive?

morning girl! how was the party?? we are awaiting to hear lol!

Hey, y'all!

Well the X-mas party was interesting. S17 did pretty well at talking to people and they to him, although he said he'd never seen so many people with sticks up their behinds in one room! [That's what you get when you work in a brokerage firm.]

S17 was seeted during dinner (assigned seats) next to a coworker of mine that I have mentioned before on this board I think. [I'll call him JN]. This is the guy that "owes me" a couple of drinks and a lunch. He is the one who drives his daughter and friends to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show the first Saturday of every month. He says he never imagined actually helping his D16 dye her hair green, or buying lingerie to wear in public, but he actually has done so! And he generally just parks the car by the library and circles the block walking for 2 hours while she and her friends are in the theater. {Now that's a dedicated dad!}. Anyway, he seems to be a remarkable guy and he makes me laugh.

On the way home, S17 said that he really like JN and that that was the type of guy I needed and that I should give up on H. He said that he thinks H is just stringing me along and not really "trying" in our MC sessions and spending time together, and that H is only buying time to get into a better financial position (he is up for a promotion at work) so he can keep the "dream house" even though H promised me we would sell it if we split.

S17 said that H does not respect me and doesn't think he ever will. S17 said that he has been in the room when OW has said stuff like I am "crazy" and that H never stood up for me. S17 said he loves H, but that H is not the man he thought he was, and that he is a liar and cheat and has said point blank that he only wants to be selfish. He had completely dropped D24 and me emotionally, and has threatened the same with S17. That fact is the truth.

S17 said that it was obvious that JN was "interested" in me. I don't know that I see that because he is very friendly and outgoing with everyone and I don't see that he treats me any differently. In a way it's sad, because others are put off by JN's open personality and he is very eccentric, but he is definitely an independent thinker and not one to follow leader and he is very outspoken about his ideas. But I respect and admire that. Remember I work in a very stuffy environment.

So, I had a good time at the party, but now I am really confused!!!

I have a thought about going into MC this week and telling H about S17's allegations and asking him to provide something in writing (notarized) that says he will sell the "ranch" that we planned and built together using loans from my retirement plan like he has promised he would do. And if he doesn't do I, I will file for divorce now. I even thought about having S17 and D24 there to air their true feelings (i.e. a sort of intervension) and see how H responds.

But then I think that that is a crazy idea and way too heavy handed and would definitely pressure him out the door! But, I don't want to be taken advantage of! I know that H would have to buy me out of my equity in the house but that doesn't address the emotions I have about doing all that for him. I was the one that said "Yea, lets go look" and "Maybe we can afford it...". H would never have done it on his own.

I don't know what to do!! HELP!!

I won't be on the board for a while because we are leaving for the Bill Engval show, but I'll try to be back on later tonight....

Thank you all for your encouragement!! (((((((hugs)))))))

SC

I would be careful with the whole sitch. Your S has your best interest at heart but right now I think he is very disappointed in your H and he doesn't want to see you hurt.

Yes, look out for yourself and your kids but I wouldn't say anything to your H during MC about what your S said. Don't try to make your H see things that a "normal" person would see right now. When they are in MLC, IMHO, they aren't "normal."

I am glad you had a good time at the party. Please take things slowly, MLC takes a while.

Y

Thanks, {{{{YR}}}}.

I get very confused because our C doesn't think that this is "just MLC". He says that H has said this has been "brewing" through our whole marriage and he's held it in. C also says that he has no idea what H is thinking because H is very good at "tap dancing" around issues, and never shows his cards even when in IC.

In my last session alone with C, I did voice concerns about C not challenging H's ideas, and C agreed that he would do that more, rather than just expect me to take the reigns. S17 really is the only one in the family who H still seems to want a relationship with, and S17 wants me to "step back" and allow him to confront H. He really wants to do this and gets annoyed at me "holding him back". I know S17 is angry and I don't want him to say things he will regret, and I don't want him choosing sides between me and H, and I try to keep him out of the middle.

But sometimes I do wonder if it would be beneficial, even if H doesn't believe it, or agree, or learn anything, it still might be helpful for my kids to confront H with their issues with him in the presence of the C.......

I don't know. I don't want to be taken advantage of! I don't want to make a mistake!

S17 and I had a really good time tonight at the Bill Engval show. He is so frickin' funny! He is sort of what I always thought my H was like underneath that reserved exterior. He is a little dorky and not very polished or good with the ladies, but is a genuine guy with a good heart. That's what I thought I had up until the past few years. Now he's a big wig who wears Jerry Garcia ties every day to work and wants to be an even bigger wig. He works all the time and his only "relaxation" time is drinking with the guys, or even alone, in a sports bar. He drinks scotch and smokes cigars (Love "Boston Legal"!) and want "to carry nobody's bucket but his own".

I love my H so much!! Or at least the H that I thought was inside him. I miss him!! S17 says that guy is dead and will never come back and I have to face it. Everybody tells me that, including H! In fact, nobody I know who knows H understands my continued hope. Can literally everybody be wrong?

I just don't know. And sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to not care, and that feels sort of good! But scary too.

SC

If your S wants to talk to your H, let him. I didn't want you to get into the middle. My S confronted my H several times about his actions. I had nothing to do with it. It might have opened my H's eyes for a moment while he was in crisis but IMO my H was going to do whatever he wanted because as he said "there isn't anything wrong with him."

Y

S17 and D24 are pushing to have a session with C with all of us there. They want to confront H and let the C see his "true colors". When S17 is in session with H and C, he says that H is so "slick" and controls the conversation and C "lets" him, because he is neutral. H has a VERY strong personality and very smaart. He could sell an eskimo ice cubes! So, S17 wants us all in the room so that H will have to face reality. I am very concerned with the idea of "ganging up" on H, but in some ways I feel that this is the only way we can get the truth out in the open. We have been in C in various forms for 9 months now, and H hasn't accepted any responsibility for problems as far as I can see.

H called today and I asked him if he planned on having MC this week. He had planned to only do IC and may a session with S17. I told him I wanted to meet together and he asked if I had an agenda and I said I did somewhat. He wanted to hear it, so I did tell him some of it. I told him that C thought we still needed to talk specifically about the A (C did say this in last session) and that S17 had voiced a lot of concerning thoughts after the party on Friday.

When H asked for more info, I did tell him S17 said he thought H was using me until he was in a better financial position to save the ranch for himself. H said he wasn't "stringing be along" because he had said he wanted a D. And that my bonus I got would go to the payments on the ranch anyway because we are in a community property state. So, he basically seemed to confirm what S17 said. That he will not sell the ranch and still doesn't have any real desire to work on the M (no surprise there).

So, now I really don't know what to do! Do I take the risk, and not file for D, and use my money pay the payments on the ranch? And in the end, H may walk away and emotionally rape me by keeping the house but not me? [Yes he would have to buy me out of the house, but that money is not what matters to me.]. Maybe I should file for a financial seperation? We have a one-hour session with C scheduled on Wednesday and a 2-hour on Thursday (which H plans to attend). Maybe we (S17, D24 and I) should do the Wednesday session to discuss our idea and see what C says?

I hate this!! I love my H and I love my kids and I want us to be a family, but I am the only one on the planet that seems to feel there is any hope for us in getting there!!! Where did we "F" this up so much!!!

Talked to my kids some more last night. They both are really pushing for having "combined" session with our C, so they can confront H with "the truth" and let C see H "for who he really is". I try to talk caution them about this approach, but they then say I'm just being a wimp defending him.

I talked to H on the phone again last night and told him they really wanted to meet with him, but that I would take them to the one-hour session Wednesday with the 3 of us (not H) and talk to the C about their feelings.

I am so torn because my kids feelings have value and I understand their position and their right to speak out. I also understand their desire to do it together, because one-on-one, H can be very easily deflect and/or over power their arguments.

I don't know what to do.

I just got off the phone with H. He says he just doesn't feel about me like he used to. He doesn't hate me and doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't feel the same and he's tried, but he doesn't want to try anymore. He says he will go to the sessions and face the kids as they want and to let him know. I asked him if he wanted me to file for D, and he said he wanted to meet to talk about it. I told him that to expect a change of feeling in the month since we started spending time together was too much to expect, and that it took some effort on both our parts. So, I tried to reason with him (not good DB'ing). I did all the things I'm not supposed to do. I asked him about the labor day weekend we spent together just 3 months ago (ML 7 times in 3 days). He said that was him trying to feel something.

He means it! OMG, I'm dying!