Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy may be his "one true love"?

I've been posting in newcomers but think it's time to move over here as I consider whether to continue dbing. I've been moving forward since the separation in March, but not moving on.

I've just found out that my h is dating his 4-year EA - the woman he referred to when he dropped the bomb as possibly his "one true love" and that he had to find that out. At that time,in March or April, she was in a long-term relationship. That appears to have ended and I have no information about why or when.

It's clear that he doesn't believe he is being unfaithful because the emotional marriage ended for him a long time ago. He's told her that he checked out of the m before he met her. We remain legally married and he describes the divorce as "just a piece of paper".

Does anyone know of sitchs where a m has been restored in these kinds of circumstances? What it feels like to me is one of those sitchs where it really has ended for him (Michelle refers to these in her book). Whatever might happen between us in the future would be happenstance, perhaps meant to be only if his current relationship or the next one, or the next one ends.

It's difficult for me because I don't believe in one true love, but I know that he does. After all of the deception and everything he has given up and how long he has "waited for her", I know that he will give this new relationship everything he can, taking the lessons learned about his role in our marriage to apply there.

Ain't it great being part of the beginner marriage?

I've read other postings about OW who are half-crazed, etc. I think this woman is probably a fairly happy, fairly well-balanced person who may in some ways be a good match for my h. I recognize that their connection is real, although given the length of time, there must be significant fantasy element which will have to be tested through real life. Whether it will turn out to be a permanent relationship will depend on things that I want to know nothing about. Their age difference is not great, but at their respective stages in life could mean different needs and priorities. What she wants as a woman in her early 40s emerging from a long-term relationship is an unknown to me and perhaps to her at this point. As a man just turned 50, it's unclear whether my h would start a family (we don't have kids), which would likely mean delaying his retirement (something that is important to him).

I'm struggling with loving him, believing in our m, and not wanting to be divorced, while at the same time knowing that I deserve a full and rich life, including freeing myself to be with someone else.

Any experiences on how these kinds of situations shake down?

I'm so sorry to hear your story. None of this is easy. My situation is different, so I can't speak from experience. I don't want to sound negative, and please forgive me if this isn't what you want to hear, but I can't help but wonder why you would even want a relationship w/H after what he's done? I don't know, I love my W with all my heart and I think I can forgive anything she does, but I don't know if I could take her back after moving in with an OM. Only God knows how this will end for you, but even he would say it's ok to move on beyond this. Are you sure you still love your H, or might you be confusing dependance and low self-esteem for love? I know I've done that...

Hey there,

I understand what its like to genuinely love someone and be hurt and blindsided when they make you feel like they checked out a long time ago!

The way he has behaved is very hurtful.. he neednt have made those remarks to you, he could have spared you, but of course you still love him, its understandable. You dont give any details of age, how ling you were M etc, whether he is at an age where he may be having some sort of crisis?

It does sound like he has spent a long time making his decision and waiting, like you say..and time will tell if that gamble will pay off for him.. but its not really healthy to swop one woman for another in that way, like a monkey swinging vine to vine as someone said to me. Give us some more details and take care..

Al

Hi, whateverittakes! I just wanted to pop in an offer some support. Unfortunately, I don't have any sage advice for you, but I will say that I understand your pain and I know how difficult things are for you.

Honestly, no one can tell you whether you should continue to work on the M or if you should walk away - only you can know that, and if you don't know it now, don't fret. It will come to you.

I think all of us go through doubts, and everyone here questions whether his/her spouse is truly done with the marriage.

And we all ask ourselves if we should continue to hang on.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, dealing with such a painful time in your life. Regardless of what happens, the pain will pass and life will get better - whether you're with your H or not.

Take care of yourslef and God bless,
~Nas

Thanks to everyone who has responded.

Over the past few days, I've regained some sense of myself and personal dignity. I am disappointed in some of his behaviour and certainly in the result. However, it was only my preference to be with him, my very strong want and desire ... I do not need him.

I called my h and told him that I hoped this would work out for him, given how long he has waited and hoped. I mean this genuinely - if he cannot find love with me, he deserves to find it with another woman.

And I am confident that I will find love again. Everything that I am learning through this process will enrich my next relationship.

I've signed on to a few on-line services to find some male friends. I'm not ready to give my heart away but I am ready to enjoy male companionship.

Onwards and upwards...

Hi WIT. It is a big decision to drop the rope. In reading your previous sitch, I do think your H is in a MLC. I think all of us have someone in our past that we say "what if", but to act on it -- I never think the fantasy will meet with the reality but that is my own personal opinion. Your H will have to figure that out.

I think you are strong and confident. Just take your time with meeting other men. We are very vulnerable right now and another relationship too soon can be a negative instead of a positive. take care.

Thank you hope 3343

Yes, I've wondered about MLC. Would appreciate learning more from you about why you think that may be at play. And certainly a large measure of his attraction to this woman must be based on fantasy. They have spent very little time together and even less in a "real" way. Can a MLC really last that long (e.g., over 4 years?)

And I agree that I'm not ready for another relationship, nor do I want one.

I'm blessed with so many good friends. Unfortunately they do not share many of my activities which are fairly aggressive outdoor sports. I've joined some clubs to meet people to do these things with, but really I just want some activity partners. And I've made my postings on dating sites very clear on that point. If that issue comes up in any meetings, I will be very honest with any men I meet.

Thanks for your concern. I'm going to read your thread and it would be great if we could keep posting to each other.

Continuing to do much better. In a sense I am continuing to db but exclusively for myself. I've realized the byproduct of it is that it doesn't close the door to a recon. Treating myself well, GAL, trying not to dwell on the pain and disappointment, and changing the things about myself that I want to change, for myself, through 180s, are all good for me.

I think my h is surprised.

Interestingly when he dropped by to pick up the dogs the other night, he ended up having dinner with me and a mutual friend. She said he looked terrible and sounded depressed. It's not what I see, but interesting nonetheless. He did spend most of the time complaining - hardly the dynamic of a man on the precipice of falling in love. So maybe this is MLC. One way or another, he will find it difficult to move forward without getting this woman out of his system or into his life. And that has nothing to do with me. I wish him well.

Hello weit,

You have made some very wise statements. We have similar stories in that my H also thinks he has found what he calls his "mirror image". Well, that could be a good thing or a particularly bad thing (!).

I agree that, sadly, my H also can't "move forward without getting this woman out of his system or into his life".

I wish I had some good news to report to you but I'm afraid if it is MLC, it's going to take TIME. Just don't let him walk all over you.

You say that the OW seems nice (can't remember your exact words) but I bet if you dig a little deeper you'll find that she's not all that. First warning sign - she's seeing a MARRIED man.

Read my thread if you have a chance. I've been inconsistent, but am starting to update as my H has recently sent me an email after 3 months of silence.

I'll be in touch.

Stay strong!

Hello Silver Fox,

Yes, let's continue to post to each other. I read alot of threads but it is useful to talk to people who have similar sitchs. I'll read your thread.

I see my h regularly to exchange the dogs. I think he respects and admires my dignity and I'm determined to hang on to that. There is genuine caring, but this woman is in his veins. And she has been for 4 years. The fact that he hardly knows her yet can only mean that, at least now, she is a projection of what he thinks he needs. What she will turn out to be, who knows?

His projection of her fits into the narcisstic tendency of the MLC because at least right now, she is all about him. She may become more than that as he gets to know her ... but it will take awhile.

I don't deal well with uncertainty. That's part of the reason why I've decided to start dating - to move forward in my own life as if this marriage is over. It won't be other people who keep my h and I apart if we truly want to be together. And I've decided I'm not filing for a divorce unless I want one. Otherwise he will have to take those steps. I won't oppose it.

And yes, I've wondered about who she is to be involved with a married man. Of course he told her that he had checked out of the marriage before he met her. Time will tell whether that narrative continues to feel authentic for him. It certainly frees her from any guilt that she contributed to a marriage breakdown. Yet they must both know at some level that as soon as he turned to her, he became unavailable to address any issues in our marriage. It's a flawed basis for them to begin a relationship together and when they encounter their own difficulties, as they inevitably will, it will form an interesting part of the background and context within which they learn about each other.