I never post but I read daily. I'm not sure I'll be any help here, but I really do find it interesting to read your POV. In my own sitch H says he is trying, though there has been no official recommitment. I feel like I am shouldering the burden but the few times in the past that I have accused him of not trying, he says he's working very hard. I mention this because I think his definition of what it means to work hard is different than mine. This might be an issue of different LLs, or simply an issue with his level of emotional wellness where something that I might not even notice would be a lot of work for him. Just wondering if in your own sitch there might be a bit of the same going on? I know you are in the place where you are attending MC so there "should" be open communication about what kinds of efforts show love and commitment, but it just seems like this is something that is so easy to mess up. Not trying to defend your H or claim that he is doing all he should be, just thinking that maybe he still believes he is doing a lot...
Hope you have lovely holidays in any case and that your time away is refreshing and full of hope,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
K, Tho' I've kept up I get frustrated trying to read you so you must be even more so. You sound almost desperate. That's not Sunshine. Are you depressed? You seem to be driving H away by your words, actions or lack there of. I can tell you that blaming him in your mind and drumming up support for what a bad H he is will not help. You are wasting your time and energy in this negative mode! If you are not careful the MC also goes this route. You insist you are not DBing - that's a statement for people who will never get to piecing let alone be in it. Instead why not try something more creative and constructive instead?
For example, following on FG's words of wisdom ... can you list some actions that you can do that will improve communication with H and meet some of both your needs, even on days you don't see him? Do you know what HIS deepest needs are? Can YOU meet them? Does he have some expectations you maybe don't know of? Find out how he really feels about various things (maybe some of your expectations or areas in which you will not "settle") and honor his feelings. Learn to communicate in a positive way, give your expectations a reality check. What you are doing now only seems to be making matters worse.
(((((((Kalni))))))) I am sorry you are feeling so discouraged. I think he wants to come back, but he does say some hurtful things. I haven't done as well at work as I could have for the past several years. And I think a lot of it is due to my troubles at home. But, I am sure that W would not accept any responsibility for that, either. I'm sure she would have the same point of view as your H, and your boss.
Anyway, always remember that the decision to "give up" is yours, and only yours, to make. Because of the nature of this site, and who we all are, you know that we will encourage you not to. On the other hand, you also know that we will support you if that is what you decide that you have to do.
As far as a gift..... what about something to do with his favorite football team? A set of glasses with their logo, or something like that? It's kind of personal, but not pressuring, either.
fb2 you are killing me. Someone else told me I am not Sunshine with him. I am not. 2 close friends of mine have told me that in past. No matter how much I loved him , this guy is obviously bad for my health...
I think I am depressed, yes. Or getting there. But I cant think of what he needs. I am doing little things he likes that I dont mention here, like cook him his favourite food, make sure he doesnt forget his stuff (it's an issue he has), praise him in front of the kids, a couple of times I have touched his arm, suggested solutions for practical issues he always asked from me, tell him I understand he is tired, kept my mouth shut when he gave me wrong directions and I was waiting for him in the rain, after midnight to go to that singer, etc etc... I was pleasant with his friends, smiling, looked good, smelled good, etc etc. I CANT DO MUCH BECAUSE I DONT SEE HIM!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? THAT IS WHY I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!! I see him 6-8 hours a week all in the same day (Sat). I am still dealing with my household, kids, money (lack of it), etc etc. He stayed up playing cards with his friends last night till 7 in the morning and slept till 16:00... Our kids were with my mom and my sick dad... Hello? How does he resume responsibilities for his part of the deal, for his kids, for us? I think it suits him, plays family and is single, to sleep in , go out late, etc etc while my torture is prolonged. Yes I am getting depressed. You are frustrated? LOL
I asked what he wants/needs. He said he wants things to be quiet, calm, my strength, support as he USED to (his words). Well, he doesnt deserve those. Someone needs to break this circle. What if I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH? Have you thought of that? What if it is beyond my powers and I am stuck hoping he can get us started while he is back in his previous mode where "we run on my engine"?
I understand what you are saying. I appreciate you trying to make me think another way. Dont, for one minute, assume, I havent been 2x4ing myself. I feel dead. Cant react. K
I see you bending. This is one of the reasons I keep harping on it. I "see" the desire to make this work.. and I "see" the frustration of it not working. I can't tell you exactly what is wrong with the way you two are interacting.. but I can say that what you are doing over the past couple of months has stepped you both back some.
I also sense a little bit a sarcasm in your words there. I like it.
"I also gave him Bill's last post to read. He said he will need some translation... "
I suspect he would. All I can say about this is that you can't expect that he will read the words the way you do. It's like when I post here and confuse people.. they can't "see" the whole picture so the words don't "sound" the same. All I can tell you about him (Your H) is he is all of a sudden scared to death.. you know he is. I can tell that he is thoroughly confused about what he wants to do. Not so much on being with you.. but how to implement it. A Physical guy would come on too strong with the Physical stuff. He is holding back on the acts or the gifts. As I have said before.. you go with what you know.. that does not always mean you will do "whatever" over the top. You may just stop doing anything.
The only way I know how to relate it.. is from a Physical point of view.. which he is not. But.. if I was him.. and in his shoes.. and unsure of what to do.. I am either going to come across strong with the Physical stuff.. or I am going to stop doing anything about it. Depending on the reactions I get from you.. that is going to tell me where to go.
"I hate this. I am tired of him. Would it be too bad if I just gave up?"
Kalni.. you don't have to go.. go... go all the time. You know this. Right now I would Love to see you step back from this stuff. Somehow. Go back to the basics. Stop worrying about if he is going to step up.. stop including him in things.. just back up and regroup. We are just on the path to the never ending cycle right now. So if you can't lead.. and can't bend.. its fine.. just step back. Just focus on what you know can be good.
I have noticed your kids are starting to sense your frustrations too. Remember that vibe we give off.. effects everybody. Even if we expect it won't.
I read your last post.. Look.. It is clear whatever is going on here.. is not working. For either of you.. so.. the general rule is to do the opposite of what you normally would.. and monitor the results. Stop cooking.. stop touching.. just stop. Give yourself some room. It is almost like you are beating yourself up.. and then I am beating you up some more.
Enjoy your Christmas. Spend it with people that want to be close to you.
Merry Christmas.. Maria.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
FG, who sent you speeding... You neevr explained. I tried to pull back. You know what he did? He pulled back completely. Stopped the phonecalls, came by to see the kids and stayed for a ocuple of hours etc etc.
He told me on the phone yesterday "I dont want to push you do anything, havent you figured out yet I am always saying yes to you, if you need to stop this, lets stop, if you need a trip take a trip, if you need to take it slower, let's take it slower?". Ohh and he repeated "I know I want to be with you and the kids".
Today he sounded mad. I think he feels I am a lunatic. That I confuse him. He is willing to do things as long as I am ready to go and roll on my back like a dog. He doesnt want to risk getting denied or bashed...
Hi istherehope,I am reading your thread too. We have common friends. It seems you are doing better lately. Yes, we probably have a different understanding. He said he knows time has a different meaning for both of us. He can wait...
Rob, if I find such a device here, I will make an announcement. A lot of people could benefit.
Jeff mou, I know you support me.What is going on right now here, cant be really described. Too many thoughts, too many ups and downs. I usually share what I can remember when I post. FG, I dont mind you (or fb2) beating me up. I kind of like that, LOL!!! K
"I tried to pull back. You know what he did? He pulled back completely. Stopped the phone calls, came by to see the kids and stayed for a couple of hours etc etc."
That's OK. Seems like we might be a little better off than we are now. I know you are frustrated. Are you pulling your hair out yet?
"He told me on the phone yesterday "I dont want to push you do anything, havent you figured out yet I am always saying yes to you, if you need to stop this, lets stop, if you need a trip take a trip, if you need to take it slower, let's take it slower?". Ohh and he repeated "I know I want to be with you and the kids"."
OK.. so we all agree.. lets take a step back.. stop doing "Work".. and see what happens. Let him find the time to be with the kids and you. Heck post a calendar with the times you have free.. leave it by the door see what happens. Think simple stuff.
"Today he sounded mad. I think he feels I am a lunatic. That I confuse him."
I know.
As far as Christmas.. just keep it simple. Do something like you did when he was going on the trips. Wrap it up and if you are not going to see him.. put it somewhere you know he will see it. Remember.. you can build small feelings.. that will grow. Simple things. Simple minds.. respond.. to simple things. Think Simple!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
--> I CANT DO MUCH BECAUSE I DONT SEE HIM!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? THAT IS WHY I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!! --> What if I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH? --> I think I am depressed, yes. Or getting there.
K, Got it. I would not want to be in your shoes because I have experienced all of the above in a huge way. The difference is you have some aces in your hand now which you may be able to use to get more time with H instead of being stuck in catch22.
Let me comment on what I said about expectations. There is a big difference between thinking them and expressing them. So I guess it is ok to have expectations if you share them with H. Face it he is a DAM! He wants you to go back to taking care of him, but he doesn't want to help you with the kids, house, etc. You know I want you to be happy.
I remember how done you were months ago. I realized the other night when I was out dancing and having fun, that I would never have fun like this if I were back with H. H is a homebody, always was. I was the fun, lets go out and dance girl when we dated. I don't expect H to change, but I don't want to spend the rest of my weekends at home on the couch.
I think you are back to needed to decide what the h--- you want.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
