Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Seeing things for what they really are... #52

(((Sunshine)))) I can sense your frustration in your post. Maybe I'm wrong, but I sense that you want a great passion from your H- for him to woo you and come to you all guns blazing, full of passion and desire. Would this be a great romance which would not constitute 'settling'?

I don't know anything about piecing, other than what I've read, but it seems to me that the DB philosophy or working through stages is probably grounded in how things work in practise. At the moment you and H are in a stage 1/2 type phase- there is some anger and frustration and you are building a friendship. He has stated that he wants to get to reconciliation, but IMHO this is going to take time..... both for you to get to the stage where you can feel enthusiastic about the process and relax into it, and for him to find his feet and behave confidently. The passion will come- stage 3, but you need to build the solid and comfortable friendship first.....

In the success stories I have in my spreadsheet, the process of reconciliation seemed to take many months- 6 months at least when the S was longer term. During that time, I agree wholeheartedly that you need to take care of yourself. That's hard when you have to be open to him at the same time, and I can see that it isn't easy. Many of the success story people stated that there was a feeling of a second honeymoon when they acheived it. I am hoping that becomes the case for you too. I wish I had good advice, but I don't really. Just practicalities, I suppose.

Do you think we should try brainstorming some 'solutions'/behaviours that might get H doing the right things? I'm not thinking of things that involve a lot of work on your part- I can sense the frustration with you having to put more work in, but am just wondering if MWD has any techniques that might be helpful in this sitch that we could apply.....

The singer sounds great and I'm glad you could laugh together. That's good news at least!

L. xx

(((((Dear Kalni)))))
I can feel the frustration in your posts. Afterall, he was the one who came to you stating that he wanted to work on the M when you had already detached, very ready to move on. Yet, he continues to do almost nothing even when you've laid out a detailed course of action you need for your happiness. He's stuck or paralyzed with fear or something. I don't know what to advise except to continue to be p... if you have any of it left in you but maybe it has run out.

Hey Ms. K..

What do you need me to do? What would you like me to do?

*hugs*

Hey! Good afternoon! Just checking in, saw something on the news that a Christmas tree got attacked in Athens....

I had the same thoughts going through my head today. H has been much friendlier lately. He does things for me, calls, invites me to meals with him and the Ds. I don't know the reasons...I need to get up the courage and ask. At this point if he decides he isn't done, I don't know if I could try to save our marriage. The list of changes needed on his part has become so long....longer by the day. I don't want to settle either...where are the answers?



My H would probably go to his grave as my H. What a wonderful marriage...not the way I want to spend the rest of my life. Let me know when you need some shopping therapy, it is my favorite form.

You know I love you and I'm with you even though I don't post much anymore.

Lizzy

Good Morning all,
just had my yearly evaluation today. My worst ever. Not bad, MY worst ever... My boss said I am a Ferrari runing like a Fiat500 (I like Fiat500)... I told him I have had a few owners and not all of them were good with service, maintenance etc. He said I shouldn't have let personal issues affect my job and he will tell my H if he ever sees him... (yeah, right!!)...

Funny, one man's decision almost ruined my entire life. What a waste of energy and tears etc etc. I wish I could tell this to all the newcomers. NOONE is worth so much pain.

I told H yesterday morning that I cant do this anymore (once more). I was crying and was very sad. He said he can see this is becoming unbearable for me. He took the kids and left for 3-4 hours. I stayed in bed under the covers and tried to sleep. I did some. When they came back he left to "watch football". Actually he wanted to leave me alone. He could see I was not in a good mood yesterday.
This morning we talked on the phone. He said I should relax, maybe take a trip to London or something and just take things easy... We cant communicate. I am not sure he listens to me. I think he listens to me "nagging"... I must be doing something wrong because I cant get the message to him.
Ohh and its cold today. 5-9 celcious here. Maybe we will see some snow on the mountains on Friday...
xxx
K

(((((Maria)))))

Sorry about the eval K. I love the line "Don't let your personal life interfere." What a man thing to say. My mantra is "Work to live not live to work."

We can't let the Hs drag us down K. We are wonderful women and we don't need them. Remember those two beautiful children you have and your parents.

I'm off for two weeks, so I'm here to have some coffee with you.

Hey M!
I'm so sorry to hear you were low! Good for you for being honest, open and crying and baring your emotions. DB be damned, better to be straight with him, after everything you have been through?

What a shame about work... I think it is a bit unfair what he said though, he could have made allowances, D is a very stressful time. Typical male boss hey! But at least he thinks you are a ferrari!!! Not a Skoda, behaving as a Fiat500, hahaha. Must have been cringey though, I hate getting told off in appraisals! Eugh.

I'm off to see BMF and wife.. haha, wish me luck! He hasnt got her a christmas present, so I told him off and am taking him shopping tommorow to buy her one..hahaha.. and I have flowers for her. Poor man. He should get the message loud and clear. Still, he deserves it! MLC is like a plague...

I agree, your H cant 'hear' you.. Lisa had some good points the other night though (something about replay!??). Maybe a break is a good thing, before too much damage is done, however this turns out?

So.. London sounds good.. I might be there Jan 16-18th, but maybe you should take a week.. or more....?

Love and hugs to you! Hang in there, good times are around the corner??? (June 09!) Al xxxxx

"What he was saying (I am paraphrasing) was that we tend to sugar coat things on these boards. we hold back a little. i do it, we all do it."

Sometimes it is not real clear when things are "sugar coated". You have to read everything with a grain of salt. You can generally get the idea behind what people are saying. You have to look more at the "tone" or the "voice inflections" to start to understand it.

"How can anyone in their right mind think they have a chance of reconciling under these circumstances....I mean seriously....this person (who i respect for his work ethic) would not even be able to take care of a pet (say a dog for instance) properly."

A semblance of a marriage occurred under these "conditions" so it is easy to see why it fell apart. I am sure that neither Kalni nor her H set out with the intention of getting this way.. but as time went on "something" caused this. He wanted more money or things. She wanted a bigger house.. or a better car. These are just examples.. there was a reason and some logic behind "Life" getting this way. Now 6-8 months ago Kalni was all for trying to work it out under these "conditions". The "conditions" are not perfect.. but people have come out with a better relationship.. in much worse "conditions". It's a stepping process.. just like everything else. The Bomb.. is the first step.. you think it is the worst thing ever. Then the OP decides to come back.. now it seems like all that stuff that comes along with that.. is the worst thing ever. We all learn.. by experiencing.. and looking back. Hopefully not repeating what we screwed up.

"It is obvious that he puts his work / career ahead of everything else in his life."

Does this fall too far outside of his LL? Would not a acts person act upon their Love. Basically they would do things to show their Love. The things that are important to you and your LL you will use on a day to day basis. You will most surely use them incorrectly at some point. When that happens.. you will apply logic to that and say.. I should try it harder.

We all get the LL wrong.. at some point in time. What is important to you.. is not viewed with the same importance by the OP.

I am of the opinion that you have to step outside of what is comfortable for you.. to make a change. You have to take that step because you want to.. not because "someone" is telling or asking you to. Here is where you get the term.. Make Yourself Happy. You have to be happy with the outcome of your choices.. no matter what the outcome is.

"I have made a commitment to try. It's just it aint that easy. Thoughts are torturing me. What ifs are making my every second hard. And I know I am not "right" to think of "what ifs" but I do. And I cant ignore myself..."

I have told you many times this would not be easy... I seem to remember you way back saying something about all the people in piecing and seeing how hard they "work" and if you really wanted that. So.. here you are. What if's.. usually show up when we have expectations.. and they are not met. What if.. he was doing everything right. Where would you be? What would you be doing? How would you be acting? DB would tell you to be just like that.. in the "situation" you find yourself in. I would too. You chose to try. Why did him not doing "something" bring you down. Just like before.. his choices are his.. you make yours.. let him make his. No one said you have to lay down and let him run over you. No one said he does not have to step up.

You are looking for him to do "something" and then get disappointed.

Lets take a example.. one of the people here that me and Bill have been posting to.. Ndsmhelp. He is waiting on those "words". He has every right to be waiting on those "words". But why do they become so important to hear? Me and Bill all along have been saying.. focus on the other stuff.

It still applies here in your "situation".. Don't let that "thing" that you think you need.. get too big. You will fight yourself on that. And it will make it ridiculously hard to "get away" from it.

The only thing that has changed here.. is you have said "I will try". Yet in saying that.. things have gone to crap. Why?

Now you can't answer that question.. with.. because he is not doing "X".

"Still, no romance, no passion, no man and woman interaction."

This.. sadly will have to take a bit of a back burner.. you two have not "fixed" the core of the issue yet. To me the communication is still not there. I know you are telling me.. you are being clear.. but something is being lost in the process. As John pointed out.. sometimes we "sugar coat" things.. and in doing that.. we make it hard to understand what we are saying. We do it in RL too. If we take.. Ndsmhelp.. and put him in your H's shoes.. we have your H posting over in Newbies. What if.. you H is looking for the words? Or maybe just the Acts? What if the Acts you are using.. are being read wrong by him? Do you see what I am getting at.. when I say be a "Leader"? God this is a hard concept to explain. I don't want you to bend over backwards till you break.. just a little bit left.. or a little bit right.. will sometimes shake things loose.

"We cant communicate. I am not sure he listens to me. I think he listens to me "nagging"... I must be doing something wrong because I cant get the message to him."

You can't communicate the way you are. That is for sure.. and I would bet money.. this is why you are "here" (DB.com). So stop communicating with your mouth. Try some acts. Or some gifts. Or some Physical stuff. (Not implying Sex)

I think about the date to the "singer".. and in your simple little description.. the tone of it showed some hope. In that simple little description.. there was something going on that made it feel "nice" to me. You said you both laughed. I suspect you were laughing about 2 different things. Yet you both were laughing.

You always.. start small.. reproduce that.. over and over.. it will build.. before long.. hopefully.. you will both be laughing at the same time.. about the same thing. Then...

"romance, passion, man and woman interaction"

Time will tell... it always does.

Forrest,
what does that line "she got me speeding... bla bla bla mean?"
K