Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Letting the prodigal go, living MY life...

JMO..I see this as holding on..and Dan will see it that way also. He's doing these things in hopes that you will see them as nice and allow him to do more of the same/invite him back..IMO.

drop the rope, let him go..take care of as much as you can by yourself..

I agree. Do not help him feel less guilt. He wants out, he's OUT!!

If you let him leave gradually, on his own schedule, it makes it too easy for him. Why does everyone coddle him? This is what drives me nuts about DB. A lot of it is so kiss-@ss toward the betrayer.

I agree with Mike. What I can tell you from my sitch is that actions are what really makes them listen. You see all us LBSs, spend a LOT of time talking, repeating ourselves so many times, thinking we will get through to them using logic, they all stop listen at a point...
K

Not only that, but you add in the fact that they may be clinically depressed, or some other pathology, and you're doubly screwed. The WAS are so self-absorbed as it is.

Today we are supposed to get an ice storm. Some area schools are getting out early, but not us!

Lovely night last night...I was on the computer just after midnight downstairs and I heard feet upstairs. Nathan6 had gotten out of bed and was looking for me.

I came up and he was pretty awake surprisingly. He wanted to sleep in my bed, so I let him get in. He is a smart boy and obviously Dan was not in the bed, nor did he ever come to bed the whole night (since he was at his mom and dads).....Nathan never asked for his dad but he has to have a clue what is up.

and what I can tell you from my sitch is if Dan was done long ago then he is done and he won't be back. The key to all this is the LBS having a "sack" big enough to pull the trigger and move forward and if they are truly done then finding it in yourself to make your own happiness and be at peace with being "not married".

chitt BBJ..Dan shows no loving actions at all towards you...he's been playing nice to make things civil and sounds like MIL is too..reminds me so much of Kim and her mom....

Ignore the MIL. She is going to protect her baby. You would do the same thing to some extent. We all would.

Dan has been lying to the woman he loves for years BBJ... Why do you think he would tell the truth to a bank?

Good point about the lying Woog.

BBJ - Just to be clear. I'm not suggesting you actually allow him to always do this stuff for you, just don't be hostile toward him when he does do it. You didn't ask him to do it, he just took it upon himself. Once he's doing it, no point is snatching at the shovel and telling him to get lost. That's all I meant. You can't kill yourself trying to get to everything that needs to be done in order to keep Dan from doing it first.

You're going to have a hard time keeping him from doing these things until you tell him to hand over his keys and only allow him to pick up the kids and take them elsewhere when it is his time with them. As long as he is allowed inside your home, he will feel it is still his as well.

Either cut him off from access to you and the kids whenever he feels like it or continue to let him cake-eat and keep spinning because of it. The choice is yours and yours alone.

You're so strong BBJ! You can do this! You the wo-man!!!!!!

OK. So. First mike, I think i got some splinters from that 2 x 4. Second, Woog, you make a lot of sense.

Third, Mishka, I don't know how to cut him off entirely at this point. He does not have a home! I guess I could tell him that on his days he needs to spend the day at his mom and dads. It is just a little weird since the kids don't know yet.

Also I told him last night we needed to write up our Jan. schedule and that means since he will have his house by then we should start our 'real' visitation schedule. He said he prob. won't be able to have the kids at his house immediately b/c of the renovations he will need to do. (He bought a crappy house!)

I am sure he thinks he can come to the house to do his 'time' with the kids. If he has to put them to bed at night and doesn't have anywhere to sleep, they will have to sleep at my house...

Thoughts on how to enforce the boundary when he doesn't have a place to take the kids. Thanks.

My first thought is to say, On your days, you figure out where you will go with the kids. The only thing is as far as overnight, with school I don't know that will work...