Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I was hoping someone could help me with this...

Thanks...

I can tell you I was an awful Dad when this started. I was so caught up in me and wanting what I wanted when I wanted it I wasn't a good father, at all.

One of the hard things about all this is the "baby steps". What I would have considered huge a few months ago now sometimes seems like nothing, if that makes sense. The feeling doesn't last long because I remind myself that at the very least we don't seem to be going backwards.

So what's happening with you lately? Things still progressing? How was the weekend?

Nothing really this weekend she had the kids so I tend to "go out". The only thing it's her Birthday Thursday and I was trying to figure out what to do. Her sister lives pretty close so I wasn't sure if her sister was going to come down but I didn't want her to spend her birthday with just the kids(not that that's bad). I decided to ask her if she wanted me and the kids to take her out for dinner and I was surprised when she said yes. I was at least expecting an "I'll think about it".

I'm just trying to figure out how far to push it as far as spending time together. I want (based on your thread :))to be the man and ask her out but don't want to push her to an uncomfortable point that she says no...Right now I guess I'm still going to lay low so to speak, unless something changes dramatically.

Bravo volleydog!!! It seems like you are making some progress & your W is being reseptive. Just take it slow and test the waters.

Thanks for swinging by my thread Vollydog. I have actually been following yours, but haven't felt I had anything to offer.

Having said that:


Excellent!

Sometimes I think this whole "babystep" concept, standing for the marriage, etc, can create a bit of a codependent/acoa dynamic for the LBS. In fact, I think the main "rules" of an alcoholic household are "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel", right? And we are not supposed to let the WAS know how we feel (pressure), not supposed to talk about the R (pressure) and should believe none of what we hear and 1/2 of what we see. (I am working this out in my brain as I type this, so it may seem rambling or disjointed.) Plus, we have to be very aware of 'what is working and what is not working' and adjust accordingly..does that mean it's manipulation?

Okay. So, how do we save ourselves from essentially ending up in a situation that is quite similar to living with an addict? I guess THAT is where the GAL is SO important. .... hmmm...but we are still "supposed" to be watching for these signs, etc.... I wonder if most (if not all) LBS might not benefit from attending Al-Anon meetings in order to learn loving detachment? Is that something you might want to do?

Trixi, What an interesting comment that totally hit home! That's my H. Thanx.

In fact, I think the main "rules" of an alcoholic household are "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel"

I would say you hit the nail on the head with "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel". Being the recovering addict Al-Anon's not for me :). I can't tell you how much IC and rehab helped with my realizing why I abused the drugs. Funny thing is the ONLY reason I went to rehab was to prove to my wife I didn't have a problem but in all honesty it saved my life, literally.

You know, the al-anon group I went to actually had a recovering alcoholic; he discovered after being sober that he was trying to control people by "helping" them and he kept attracting the same type of people over and over. So, while I do see it almost like having the wolf in the hen's house, I also think that it might do all LBS some good to attend al-anon or CoDA meetings. (Like I said earlier, just to learn a healthy level of detachment and how to focus on oneself.)

I have been mulling this over and the more I think about it, the more I am seeing all over the BB people actively *pursuing* "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel." The good thing is that we have this board to come and vent and actually talk and 'feel'. But I think it is VERY easy to slip into dynamics that are no good for us LBSs. The constant monitoring of how things are going; swallowing our feelings and 'acting as if'.....Just like growing up in a household that wasn't "safe" for us, it is a fine way to cope with the current sitch and not blow things out of the water prematurely. ...
Sorry, I'm hijacking your thread with my ramblings.

Anyway, I am SO glad that you were able to get the help you needed to overcome your addiction. I assume you have been working the steps and have attempted to make amends with your wife?

Hijack any time you like doesn't bother me in the least.

I have done the steps and tried to make amends with W as much as she will let me.

Something I was thinking about last night and I'm not sure if it's normal or not...As I was watching TV I realized how hard, if we get back together, it's going to be to have my family back. I've fallen into a new life where's it's just me except every other weekend and that sort of scares me...

Well today is the W's birthday and we are going to dinner with the kids, should be fun. I'm hoping but not getting my hopes up that she'll invite me back to the house after dinner...We'll see.

One more thing I was pretty happy yesterday she called and asked me if I could take her and the kids sledding since her car was snowed in, too bad mine was too. I told her if she would have called earlier I would have gotten it out. I had called her around noon to see if she needed anything but got no answer so I thought they went sledding so I didn't leave a message.

Things like this make me think we are slowly moving forward but another part thinks about the fact she wouldn't have asked me if her car wasn't snowed in...I guess it's better than not calling at all.

Wazzup VDog?