My wife and I are separated almost a year and a half at this point. I know she's had the D papers for about six months but hasn't filed them yet...My question is when I will help her watch the kids or like the other day we decorated the tree and she asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner (yes) the hard thing for me is knowing how long to stay. I don't ever want to get "asked" to leave but I want to stay as long as possible.
I know it's not a question that can be answered easily but some tips would be great.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
the trick is to be the first one to end the visit. you have a life. you have things to do. staying as long as possible could make you look needy and that gives your wife all the power. take some back for yourself.
it would help us if you gave some history on your marriage and what led to the separation. just look at our tags at the end of our posts on how to display the info.
My story in a nutshell, married 15yrs two kids S8/D5. We have been separated for a little over a year. The separation was my fault I had an addiction problem , the addiction wasn’t the reason it was the fact that I hid it from her. She had no idea till I got clean. The addiction lasted for about eight months. I’ve been through rehab and have 18 months clean.
The problem now is in June she filed to have the separation converted to a divorce. Since then it seems like we have gotten along better than ever. I give her her space, which I wasn’t good at during the separation phase. I didn't find this site till about a month ago and realized I've been doing all the stuff now I should have done a year ago.
The only slip I've had and the only R talk we've had in six months was was two weekends ago, it was my weekend with the kids and she called to talk about some presents for our son. I asked her if we are doing presents for each other, she said she thought so. Then comes the “bad” part, there was no arguing or anything she just asked what my plans were for Christmas. Last year I went over in the morning and spent the day there with her and the kids and her family. She said well this is your year and it’s going to be like this in the future where we switch for holidays. I told her I wasn’t sure what to do since I wasn’t sure what she was thinking as far as the divorce went. She said she didn’t want to talk about it now since she was in the middle of the store. I said fine, normally this would have brought up an argument. This was Saturday morning.
We talked a few times after this and I didn’t want to bring it up and she didn’t say anything. I dropped off the kids of Sunday we talked had a little fun with the kids and I left, nothing said. I will not bring it up again, but I can’t figure out what her plan is. Obviously she is not sure about wanting divorce, but she is still planning on that being the final outcome.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I guess just because if she was sure she would have given me the papers months ago, also when she told me she was going to file she said she wasn't sure it's the right thing. Maybe obviously was the wrong word.
Last edited by volleydog; 12/16/0806:08 PM.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Volleydog - You're right to think that she hasn't decided yet - if she was certain, she would have filed - but she also can't be certain of the changes in you. I haven't dealt with the addiction thing - but I would imagine that it takes a heavy toll on the partner's willingness to trust the addict, no?
As for lingering when you're invited - Kimmie Lee is spot on - you don't want to seem needy - you want to be desirable - but the trick there is that you can't just change things for your W - you have to change things in you for you - and if that means taking the kids for the holidays and making the most of it - taking on that challenge - and accepting it - and finding strength through it - then that's what you should do.
You've got communication with your W and that's a tremendous advantage to you if you want her to see how you've changed - you just have to keep in mind that you cannot go about trying to change her mind because it will backfire - it always does...
I'm about to have my first Christmas alone in ten years...and I'm both dreading it and doing my best to maintain a PMA for my kids (and for me). My wife moved out in November - and she will be taking our baby with her to visit her parents for the holidays - while I take my S11 with me to visit my family. It's hard to believe my family is so fragmented - but I also know that it will be a much better Christmas for me and S11 - as long as I make it so.
You had the strength to pull yourself out of a very dark place - and I admire that - now that you're clean, work on getting stronger. My father drank a lot when I was a kid - especially when I lived alone with him - and I remember once talking about it with a school counselor and she said that it's often how people self-medicate when they're depressed or can't deal with something....so when he put the class down...he finally had to look at himself in the mirror and has since become a better (though far from perfect) person.
Sorry to hijack and go into my own story for so long...but I thought it might lend some perspective...
BTW - have you read the books? DB or DR? I prefer DR myself - and I can say without anyone doubt that it's a different book every time I pick it up and read it - as my situation changes, my understanding of the book changes...especially my understanding of what it means to GAL, maintain a PMA and do 180s....they're all about getting healthy for you first...
Thanks for the response. The addiction thing was tough, what I tried to explain to her about it was that until I did rehab and IC I never thought I was addicted (not anymore).
I do need to get the books but like I said the ironic thing is that since she told me she was going to file I've been doing everything it seems I'm supposed to. Like one of my 180's was she hated when I didn't have an opinion on doing something. Well I decided for Christmas we would do it like last year except I would take the kids with me in the afternoon to do Christmas with my parents, she thought that was a good idea. I just thought if this is our last Christmas married I might as well let the kids have as normal a Christmas as possible.
The thing I was really surprised about was before we decided on Christmas she decorated the house and hung my stocking up. In her family stockings are a huge part of Christmas, I was very surprised to see it up.
The only thing that keeps entering my mind is she is waiting till after the holidays, but she could have filed six months ago...I tend to over-think everything
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Someone on here has a quote on their profile that says our minds often lead us astray (or something to that affect) - which is to say...try not to over-think things if you can...just try to hold back and let things be - and turn some of your energy on yourself (um...I think I'm talking to myself here too...). It may be that she's waiting - it may not be - either way, you have to do the same things in terms of working on you - especially if it means finding a way to make the most of the holidays - and keeping the kids happy even in these tough circumstances.
Thanks HD...The over thinking goes back to my science background, chemistry major in school.
Going along with working on myself, I just realized my wife and I have some assets we have to sell in the next few months, She called about them the other day. She trying to figure out if it's better if we sell them as a couple or indv. I KNOW it's better for me to do it as individuals and hurts me if we do it as a couple and get divorced. It's the opposite for her. I told her if it's better for her to do together I'd do that, now I'm wondering if I should have told her I'd think about it and run the numbers. It's not a ton of money probably $1k-$1500/mo over three years. She's a physician so it's not like my kids would go without if she didn't have that money...
It's the over thinking again I can see pluses and minuses each way.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Hi VD - Taking care of financial matters is always trickier than it should be...since it's just facts and figures on would assume that it could just be straight-forward and objective - but that's the problem with our situations - everything is laced with emotions - and even the simplest things can get sloppy fast.
If I were you, I would look out for what protects you - and let her think about her own matters - if that means just slowing things down sometimes...that sounds best.
