Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse Help me ladies, what is she thinking?

WAW walked out on me and two little boys nearly a year ago. Has had limited contact but has been mostly friendly. She walked out on me and her kids out of the blue, no one really saw it coming.
No one. But that is all irrelevant now. I really have no idea what she has been doing other than working and I don't really care. The kids and I have never been to her place and and she usually came by once a week if that. Now she comes by nearly daily and is cooking meals for us and cleaning and the whole nine yards. She has never been able to talk about her problems and I have always been the one to do the talking in our relationship and I have always been the one to bend and apologize to keep the peace. But I am not going to do it anymore. That was what got us to where we were. Anyway, we really have not talked about R stuff ever. We just talk about the kids and work like nothing has ever happened. Silly I know. She is a good person and a good mother but I just find it hard to see us ever getting back together. I don't know if that is what she wants nor if I want at this point. I guess I am just really confused as to why she is being so nice and coming around so much now. I am afraid to ask too. I am wondering if any of you WAW's could possibly shed some light on to what she "might" be thinking or doing. I sure don't know. But my kids are happy and that can't be bad.

Having been a WAW, I am usually at least somewhat sympathetic to them BUT....

Let me get this straight - she walked out on you AND the kids nearly a year ago, barely came by so much as once a week, never took her children to where she is living and now you are actually LETTING her come into YOUR house to cook and clean on a DAILY BASIS???

What the hell is wrong with you?

HAVE YOU NO PRIDE?

And WHO the HELL does SHE think she is just waltzing back into YOUR home confusing the hell out of you AND the children?

WHY are YOU letting her????

Go to the source for your answers.

YOU DESERVE THEM.

YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE THEM.

SHE owes YOU.

And get her the hell out of your house until she starts making good on that debt!

This is insane!

Hmmm I will tell you what I am thinking. I am a father and my kids come first. I am very thankful to be a man that was able to keep my kids. They have been my world since she left and I focus on them and making sure they feel loved. I am not interested in anyone owing me anything. I don't want to do anything that will hurt them so I do not fight with my wife. What is the point? She was the best mom in the world up to the day she left. I think she deserves some credit for that and me doing any of the things you said would only hurt my kids. I understand where you are coming from but I am a pretty strong person, I am not worried about me and I am taking care of my boys. I am just trying to figure out what she is thinking. That is what I am looking for.

As for pride.... I hear it comes before a fall...

Listen to AmyC, I have and it helps. You don't need to be mean to her, but you need to set some boundaries and she owes you some explanations as to why she left and why she deserves to come back. To come back as ifnothing has happened and hope that she can now ride your coattails intop the happy life YOU have now created is insanity. If she does not give you what she owes you, and you know exactly what that is, then letting her back in without any consequence or boundaries is going to open this up to happen again. I am going thropugh the pain of mine walking out and she needs to see what it is she has done. She is with OM, so my pain is critical. As I have posted, I am the prize in my situation, not the other way round. Same in your situation. Your life doens't improve with her, her's improves with you.

As you wish.

But the best moms in the world don't abandon their children and then waltz back into their lives a year later and start cooking and cleaning as if they are ENTITLED to do so and as if nothing ever happened.

You think she deserves "credit" for all the years she WAS a good mother?

GIVE ME A BREAK!

What the hell do you think she's been living off of for the last year?
SHE gave HERSELF [undue] CREDIT A YEAR AGO AND THAT IS WHAT ALLOWED HER LEAVE. A self-inflated ego!

WAWs have a very warped sense of entitlement and THAT is what makes them ABLE to walk away - because they often think (selfishly and wrongly) they've put so much into everyone else that it's now time for them. Well the reality is this: THE JOB WASN'T DONE. She didn't have a right to pack her sh*t and walk out on two children, let alone you, but let's leave you out of the equation for now.

It is great that you stepped up and have been a good father to your boys but have you really given ANY consideration to what she has taught those boys BY LEAVING THEM?

Have you given any consideration to what she is showing them ABOUT YOU by just walking the hell back in?


I truly can't fathom how she can even show her face at your house.

She must think very little of you for letting her just waltz back in like you have.

This is all ass-backwards, man.

And it will not end up good.

But I wish you well.

And just so you know ...

Pride GOES before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.


Peace,

AmyC

I am sure you have a lot of insight into WAW's, but you assume a lot about my situation from a few paragraphs. I did not come here for advice, I simply asked if someone could give me some insight into what she was thinking.

But you are dead on about your evaluation of what the WAW thinks. She was totally self centered and felt that she had sacrificed everything to do for others and it was her turn. She made the choice and she will have to live with it. We wont be going back to the past. I think she knows that but is testing the waters.

I am quite familiar with the Bible truth be told, but not as good at living it. I am trying not to be prideful or have a haughty spirit. I am trying to forgive and live in peace with the woman I vowed to honor and cherish. But in the end, God gave her freewill and she will have to live with her decisions and I with mine.

This I totally agree with, but I don't think it is my place to make her see things as you say and I don't think I can. I think that is God's job and only He can do it. Just as He would have to be the one to teach me to forgive her.

Again, she needs to committ to You and her children. In order to do this, she must get her ducks in a row and come to terms with her issues. Only then can she committ to you and her kids. You do not want her coming back as a virtual stop gap. This will allow her to do the same thing all over again. I have read and researched a lot, but AmyC has lived it. Soem women try to slide back as if nothing ever happened. You have a committment with her in your marriage vows, but so does she to you. She needs to seek counseling or at least begin to communicate with you her reasons, feelings and thoughts, because no one is going to tell you what her thought process was or is, only she can do that and youi must stand your ground with this.

Yes God does need to help both of you inthis, but, as I am learning now, she is not in a position to dsee Him, unless it is through you. Forgiveness is huge and very hard to give. I understadn itand I am learning. I am over my anger and have opened my eyes to what I need to forgive and how I will do it. But, she will need to want my forgiveness and will want to recommit to me and my family. She must seek forgiveness, He will help her, but if I cannot show her Him in me and through me, then she will not see the love and forgiveness. If my W walked back into my life right now, I would be happy, temporarily. the reality that she may do this again, that I have become a doormat to her, would be MY undoing, not hers. God has gicven me the strength to persevere, to change without question, and when the time was right, He called me back to Him. He made sure that it was what I wanted and needed. I have faith in him and what I am doing. People argue with me, and tell me what I should do, only one voice matters in this situation right now, His. He speaks to me, often. You are in the same situation and need to go to Him. Let Him speak to you about what it is you need to do to make your life whole and complete. Trust in Him to help you. It is a strange feeling, losing my anger. It is a soft feeling, a feeling that a huge burden is off my shoulders. I can begin to forgive now that my anger has opassed. I could not have done this without Him or His words. I trust Him completely. It has been exhausting, but this part of my battle is over and now the new one has just begun. It has been easier and more emotional with Him by my side. Let Him work through you, let her se Him in you and let her then feel His presence around you and she will know your love.

I agree that for the most part it's God that is going to have to reveal to her the magnitude of all that she has done.

However that being said, cushioning a WAW from the consequences of her actions here in this world is only enabling her to do as she pleases again. And again. And again.

This woman needs to talk to you.

It is not right for you to martyr yourself by saying she doesn't "owe" you anything and just rolling over and letting her come and go as she pleases.

What do you think that is going to accomplish?

That's the fastest route to becoming a doormat.

She most certainly does owe you.

And in the interest of self-respect, as well as earning HER respect, you should ask her the questions that you need, and deserve, answers to.

I'm not talking about raising the roof.
I am talking about you having a conversation with your wife.

She owes that to you.

And she owes you an insight as to just what she thinks she is doing now.

To let her skate on that would create a breeding ground for resentment on both your parts.


Again, good luck.


AmyC