Reading the letter you are thinking of sending your W seems to me, in its essence, to be a letter of release. What if you revised it a bit, so that it sounded like less of a "good-bye" and more of a "here's what I have have realized about me" letter.
Such a letter would be similar to the one I just sent H. I know your wife has a different psychological background and has different issues than my H, but will she get angry if you are only talking about your responsibility for the state of the R?
I am not advocating that you take full responsibility, just that you own what's yours in the letter, without telling her about what she did. I was amazed by my H's response. Just a thought.
As for the conversation with your son, I think you are a great dad to have raised such an insightful child. I do think it also presents a great "teachable" moment about the act of forgiveness and that we do it not only for the person who wronged us, but for ourselves.
Rob - There are definitely times when the sadness is at its worst - but you're so very right - that if we pay attention, there is much to be gained from that sadness...just wish it didn't have to be that way. I feel myself going up and down in terms of the holidays...sometimes I am just completely fine and at ease - and I remember going back to see my family just after her affair - and what it felt like to learn about her affair while we were with my family for the holidays...at the time, I did something I never thought I could do - I forgave her - felt like I had pushed her away and hurt her - and so I took my responsibility for part of her falling into an affair - and it was shortly after that, once we felt our love again, that we decided to have a baby...but learning about the affair - was brutally painful...and now I remember more of the pain, and less of the reconciliation - since the reconciliation is now tinged with elements of self-deception.
WIT - Thanks for coming by - I'm so glad you're doing better - what you're experiencing is very painful - but, please don't ever feel ashamed of who you are. If my wife would put the work in that you did, I would feel so very fortunate and blessed - but I just don't see her doing that...like you, she has some painful family of origin issues (very abusive father) and she shows many signs of having been sexually abused - but she just refuses to consider that possibility. She lives with a lot of anger - and she throws that anger my way whenever she can - and, since moving out, it seems like she has chosen to remove herself completely from me and our life together...let me be the demon, so she can move on without him...she's become so convinced of how she sees me that she now creates a history of our relationship in which she says I was physically abusive - it's confusing and heartbreaking - and I ended up having to encourage my W to move out (after she had threatened to do so for months) because she started talking about calling a battered woman's shelter and claiming that I had beaten her...(she said this to her mother - as part of her plan of getting out of the house).
My wife is a beautiful person in so many ways - and I know that I will continue to love her no matter what happens - I just know that because she won't examine herself and the affects of her FOO on her that we just don't have much of a chance.
Beth, A letter of release sounds like a better way to approach her...though I don't know if it will make her angry or not. She will most likely find a way to hold onto anything I write to her as further proof of my being an abusive husband - and I know I'm taking that risk in telling her how I feel, but there just doesn't seem to be much else I could do. She's gone dark in a such a profound way since moving out - and I just don't know where we are anymore...I (naively) thought that she would let go of some of her anger after she moved out - but that's not what's happened at all - she still does the same things of picking a fight with me - accusing me of not having changed - telling me that I'm an abuser and a threat to her - and I just stand there with a perplexed look on my face....wondering just where she's ripped and resewn the seams of her reality. Still, I'll rework the letter...owning more of what I did, and not saying anything about what she did....
Conversations with my S11 always reassure me that I'm doing okay. I don't think the monster my W sees in me could have the kind of relationship I have with my S11. My father was an ogre when I was a kid - an unpredictable, angry, verbally (and sometimes physically abusive) man. When my S11 was born I swore that I would never repeat my father's behavior as a father - and I haven't. I take pride in that - and I am always grateful that my son's mother and I have been able to raise such a remarkable child in two households.
Journaling...
When my W came by to pick up our baby last night it was still pouring outside - but rather than park under the carport and stay shielded from the rain - she once again pulls into the carport, backs out, and stop in the driveway facing the street - so this time I did not bring baby out to her - I just stood at the door with him and waited for her to come and get him - all the while thinking, why don't you just pull under the carport...
When she finally got out to get S2 from my arms (which she's not complaining about anymore), I thanked her for bringing me the suitcase the day before and for picking up two tickets to S2's holiday pageant. She told me she had made a photocopy of the flyer for the pageant - but had forgotten it as her work.
She was still cold and would not say hello to me when she pulled up - but she did seem surprised when I thanked her for the suitcase and the tickets...
I still can't believe she's going to be with her family from 12/21-28. That's a lot of time for her to be in their company - especially her father - who gets terrible during the holidays...and often very verbally abusive...I worry about her, but there's nothing I can do...
I wouldn't communicate anything to her in writing that is not related to the care and well being of S2. She has already shown a willingness to mischaractarize anything/everything you say or do to make you look evil.
I understand that you don't want a divorce, but that is a very real possiblity. With the custody issue yet to be decided, you do not want to give her anything at all that could be misconstrued, taken out of context or otherwise manipulated to besmirch (sp?) your character in court. Custody negotiations can be really nasty because there is so much at stake.
The hard part of all of this is dealing with one's own emotional pain without becoming vulnerable to attack. Write all the letters you want; they will help you deal with the pain. Just don't send them. There may come a time to communicate some of these feelings--after the dust has settled.
Hm...Nut...wow...I was just thinking the same thing...I started writing a new letter, one in which I took more responsibility for what happened - and right away I started to see how it could be used against me if she wanted to...while I do know that I have my share of responsibility for the demise of our M, I also know that if I say too much she will use it against me again...I do have to be very careful with what I say to her...so I've decided to just keep things as they are for a while longer.
"The hard part of all this is dealing with one's own emotional pain without becoming vulnerable to attack."
That sums it up very well...and that's exactly why I haven't brought myself to write her/talk with her about us at all...not just because I've gone dark - but also because it's all too easy to be vulnerable to her attacks.
Our MC once told me W that she mistakes anger for power and control - and then went on to tell her that if she really wanted to feel more powerful and in control that she would have to let go of her anger...since she would continue to have it in her, even without me in her life...my W didn't say anything in response - and the MC never brought it up again...which I thought was a mistake.
Took me a while to catch on that you changed your screen name.
Just want to say I agree with your sister about laying low at least until after the holidays. And also nutfarmer's comment about considering how what you write could be misconstrued and used against you.
It really hasn't been terribly long since your W moved out. That was a huge emotional event, and a bigger life upheaval for her because she now lives in a different place. It takes time for things to settle down. This may sound odd, but maybe she is calming down just a tintsy winsty bit. She takes the baby from your arms. She is cold, but not abusive, not accusing you of abuse.
I understand your worry about her spending time with her Dad. It will be interesting to see what happens. My hope, is that this time, she will have to deal with her feelings about him head on because you won't be around for her to transfer her feelings about his abuse on to you, as if you were the one who had done this to her.
Did you get legal advice about what to do to prepare for the possibility of divorce? Are there some steps you can take now regarding financial and child issues that could help protect you in case you have to go that route?
Healthydad writes: "I thought about sending her a note like this one: ............................. Dear W: .... I do not want a divorce from you, W, but I see now that things between us may just be too hard to reconcile. "
If you ever use words like that, she would probably take them as,
"i give up, we 'cant' fix it".
if you give the impression that your marriage is impossible to fix, you have then said that there is no responsability for ending it, because there is "nothing you can do". Implying that the right thing to do, is end your marriage.
This just isnt true. Ending it is a choice. There is responsibility on both sides for that, because there ARE things you can do.
Carlos, its been a long time. i've been going through my hibernate and mourn phase and its not going well. so i'm done with that. I've had enough and its time to stop doing what doesnt work. the holidays are tough, best solution is to surround yourself with good people, and if they're not available, any people.
so much wisdom on your thread, from RTL and NW and Kalni and yourself and everyone else. thank you all. I can use almost everything here, applied directly to me, and it'll fit like its tailor made.
in the past few weeks i've been reminded why i'm in my sitch, why things wont get fixed, why she aggrevates me so much. its been good and bad.
like you, i miss my W. but i think i miss the W that was never there, the one of fantasy, or the one from long ago, or the one i always hoped she would be. The woman she is now is not someone i would be attracted to. whether that means she's changed or my tastes/priorities have changed - i dont know.
i like your new moniker, a constant reminder of your goal.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi Scarred, I know it seems like those words might mean, "I give up, we can't fix it," but that's exactly my wife's point of view - and that is what I would be validating with those words. Also, the truth is, given my W's unwillingness to get help, we don't have much of a chance at all - since I just don't want to be with the person she has become. Of course, there were hints of her darkness over the years - and often times I would get frustrated and angry with her - but the way she is now - and the ways in which she has affected my S11 - tell me that I cannot be with her unless she wants to work on herself.
Do I think my marriage is impossible to fix? No...but do I believe that things between us my just be too hard to reconcile - yes. That has nothing to do with my relinquishing responsibility - in fact, it's my acceptance of my responsibility that leads me to that point of view - since I know that we've reached a point where nothing I can do - and by that I mean nothing - can change my W's views. I can, however, continue to change myself and grow and get stronger - and if she should take notice of that and WANT to change herself - and want to step back into trying to work on our marriage - that would be her choice...not mine.
Ending the marriage is a choice that she leans toward making - it's not the choice I made - my "choice" was to work on myself, reflect on my weaknesses, and improve who I am.
I don't know your situation, Scarred, but I sense a defensiveness and anger in your words that surprised me...or perhaps it's just my sense that you're unfamiliar with where I'm coming from - and why I would have arrived at this phase with my M and my W....
Hi KenF: I've been wondering about you and how you're doing...thinking that this must be a tough time for you - what with the holidays and your D's b-day.
I've been fortunate on this site in that I really do get a ton of help from different points of view - and I don't think I would be where I am right now if not for all the good people here.
I looked for an update on your thread - but didn't see anything there...I'm sorry to know that you had more reminders of why things won't get fixed...but maybe knowing that is part of realizing which threads of the rope still have you.
While I miss my W - I know that the person I missed just isn't available to me (anymore? hard to say). But I am realizing more and more that if we did not go through this now, we would have just hit this wall sometime later in life...and maybe hitting it now is best for all of us - giving her the chance to learn and grow - giving me that chance to work on aspects of my life that I had neglected for far, far too long.
Vent when you need to, Ken...and know that we're always here for you.
-Carlos.
btw...I smile whenever I look at my new moniker...makes me feel like I'm in control of my future now...
