Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Detach>Worse>Weird>Better ???

Thank you so much for the reminders, Snodderly...:)

Silver...you still haven't heard anything since your response??

I am more bothered by D paper, lawyers, the law...and the emotional hell it will bring on me. I am walking on egg shells becasue of that....I'm more concerned with what is happening in that arena, than with my H.

I am having a very hard time continuing my time around H if all the while he is planning his next attack!!!

I really don't want to talk to him at all if he is still working on this D. My L is wondering if it is on hold.

I responded on 11-26...and we have heard nothing, yet. I don't want to hear anything. How long does it take to write a settlement draft?

Most definately, H distracts himself with work...but, he must work overtime or do side jobs, just to meet his basic bills. I know he does not have a savings. I know how much $$ H makes, and how much extra he has the potential to make. H isn't squirrling away anything. (I am our tax preparer).

H has barely enough to keep paying what he has been paying...which made me curious where/who he was getting money for a L.

(H would squirrel away money if he could)

I was hoping, I guess, that the reality of what he did by filing, hit him when he read my response.

I honestly think he filed as an angry reaction...to get me to react. He has no idea all that he is going to have to destruct. I think his L is affiliated with a mutual friend and let H pay by the hour to get the papers filed. (H's L offers an hourly rate)

I had to retain my L.

And, I am NOT going to do the destruction for him. This is HIS decision, and he is going to be responsible for all of it.

H isn't going to get much out of this. He has been an absentee parent,husband, deserted us, etc, etc....had the A...and even if he get every other weekend...that won't hold up.

H has had a green light all this time to make plans/arrangements with the kids. He chooses not to. H isn't even showing any effort now to be with his kids.

Actually, what he heck did he file for anyway??? H doesn't have anyone else, isn't going to get any money, isn't going to get custody,...blah, blah, blah...

H actually has it pretty good just living a parallel life to me. A D will give him a lot less. At least that will be my approach and it will ALL be based on truth.

Sorry, I had to vent...I am truly more concerned with the developement of a D than what H is thinking, feeling etc, about anything else.

Oh....being nice to me to set me up for an attack...isn't going to work. Setting me up, leading me on...makes me even more determined and angry.

Nope, not a word. Sent flowers on my birthday - Nov. 1 - that's it.

I bet your H is asking himself alot of those same questions. Stay away from him as much as you can - he has to figure it out himself and YOU need to live YOUR life. That's the beauty and genius of going dark.

I just posted a "short story" about my sitch on Hope3343's thread. And I'm going to update my own thread soon (she keeps saying).

Hi Silver...I just went to Hope's thread to read your post...I struggle with whether to keep their secrets or not.

I've read that it is good to expose an A...but, I guess it's not the DB way.

In this state, seperation doesn't give permission to have sex with anyone.

Sounds like you have enough evidence to prove adultry.

Do you think he sent flowers to butter you up, like Snodderly suggested to me?

Did you thank him?

Until the D papers freaked me out....I was completely okay staying away from my H...dark, dark, dark...when I have to be around him though, I am comfortable. The only thing missing is affection and....feeling like a woman.


I feel like I'm his sister...or one of the guys. BORING!!

The flowers were completely unexpected - but knowing him, I think he wanted to acknowledge my B'day somehow and flowers are safe. I waited til late that night to send a text - "Thank you".

I wanted to say "Gee thanks, you shouldn't have". But looking back, if I had been a smarta** about it, I would be wondering now if that's why he hasn't been in touch. I guess another reason to stay on the high road.

You are right, Silver....I can see how staying on the high road, when I am around H gives him absolutely no reason to think 'yea, I'm doing the right thing...she's nuts'.

I agree with you...it feels kind of good to know you have done nothing wrong. AND it makes it so much more difficult to divorce a nice, sweet, cute, understanding, freedom giving woman...like we are

I never get flowers...the first bday my H was gone he gave me a tool box with used tools collected from his shop...you know, the left overs.

I did want a lady-like tool box with a set of pliers.

He bought a heavy black craftsman box from Sears...and NO pliers.

I put flower stickers ALL over it!! And it rough and tough so I kick it around garage.

The next year, he gave me a jogging outfit. That was awesome! I keep thinking that I blew it, because I thought he was thinking of moving back so I asked...NOT....I pushed him away.

This year, the third year he's been gone....nothing. He did everything he could to avoid it. (But, that was to pay me back for not doing anything on his bday...except send the kids to his house). That was the only year since I've known him (19 years) that I didn't do his bday up right.

The last 4 years...I have given him a great bday...and 2-3 weeks later he is 'trashing' me...first, he starts up with OW right after his bday, next year says he wants to move out right after his bday, next year he is out and says he has no intention of ever coming back after the kids and I gave him a great bday (I shouldn't have asked)...the next year, I was detaching and I did nothing...., this year we gave him a really nice bday (I was acting 'as if'/detached and helped the kids with his bday)...he signed D papers 11 days later.

H has his 'time of the month'...every October!!

Sorry to ramble...just remembering days gone by.

I have to vent to keep myself from calling H and scolding him.

Who does he think he is asking for full custody, responsibilty of these kids?????

H bailed on helping D8 with her school project...last weekend he volunteered to help. He knew I was having trouble getting d8 to complete it. H told her that 'mom has good ideas'....give mom a chance!! Crap....I'm the only one that ever helps with homework.

H has not done but two or three homework assignments with any of these 3 kids for over 4 years!!! H doesn't even ask about grades or even think about all the work that comes home every week. And he let his L write up a complaint for FULL responsibility. H doesn't want even half custody....he can't handle it!!


I do all of the projects and the kids are getting good grades...d8 got straight A's last report card.

H also makes a big deal about football, the Steelers, etc...but, did he try to watch the game with his sons? NOPE...he could have made that happen! Where was H this evening when the game was on from 4-7? Working, would be the answer. Maybe so.

S10 said, dad only comes to watch football if WE ask him...he doesn't ask us. So, s10 didn't feel like asking his dad today.

I am proud of the single mom I have become. I am much more of a mom than I thought I ever could be...or thought I wanted to be.

But....right now...I am burnt!!

I don't think I'd even like to go to lunch with the cute coach next week...I'm so burnt!

I hate hypocrites and liars...and I really want to chew H out for being one!!

But....I'll just vent here and....let it go.

Can I use these posts as documented events??

Ok Sophie, deep breaths,

Remember you don't have to agree to anything he asks for. He's not telling his L the truth and YES, document everything he does or doesn't do with the kids.

Thanks Silver...won't his L be irritated that he doesn't tell the truth?

Everything I've read is that in a D, lawyers don't want any surprises...it's not a criminal case!

I think his L wasn't aware that H 'deserted' me....and that I will cross bill with desertion and that his A lead to the seperation/desertion.

I need sleep...sleep is my best friend except when I dream. I have to find a way to stop my dreams.

(And I have no idea when I'll be able to get out to xmas shop for the kids...that is stressing me out as well. I am always the one to do that...anything H buys is during the last two days before xmas. This week is a huge work week for me, next week the kids are out of school. Online shopping may have to be the way...ugh.)

Thanks again Silver and Snodderly for sticking with me.

Deep breaths...sleep, sleep, sleep:)

The L will be highly irritated and will ask for more money. I have a suspicion that's what happened to my H and why I haven't heard from him - he can't afford to retain him so he's stuck.

Try yoga for peaceful sleep. I love online shopping!

Silver,


I hope you are right about this for my sitch also!! It would also be wonderful to have a L tell my H what's-what...and what the consequences of his decisions will very likely be!!

I think all time spent between H and his L so far has been hourly...and not much time, I figure.

I hope you are right that lawyers raise their fees when they find out it will be more of a battle.

The papers I was served with were simply stating we've been apart for so long, let's just make it legal!! BS!!!


I'm going running...3.5 miles today.