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Hi Daisy,

Just wanted to check in and see how everything is going? I hope you're still doing really well!

ITH

Hey ITH

Thanks for checking in on me. I am doing really well! I still lurk around from time to time.

I don't have too much to post these days. I am still in limbo land as far as jobs/moving situation. It's starting to drive me crazy but there is nothing I can do about it. Hubby and I have had many many conversations about what to do, where to go, etc. I am trying to be supportive and let him make the decision which is hard but I think it is ultimatly better that way. I'm just getting impatient and frustrated. I have little to no hours at work and yet feel locked in since I do not want to start a job just to leave a few weeks later when hubby gets his job or if we go full time army. But I do not even have enough to pay my bills right now and the people I work for do not seem to care even though I am one of the best employees they have and I have bent over backwards for them soo many times and all they do is take advantage and then screw me over in the end anyways. Ugh!

Luckily hubby is helping me pay bills and make ends meet but eventually he will run out of money too. It's kinda scary. I just don't know what we are going to do.

If I am 100% honest I would say that I do not think he is giving his all to this job hunt. I know he looks and applies here and there but he is not going after anything aggressivly. Which is partly because he does not know what he wants to do and part because he is busy hanging with friends and enjoying his free time. Which would be fine if he was SINGLE and there was not someone waiting for him to make his move.

I love him and am so happy that we are back together and looking to start life over again as a couple but there are moments when I get mad and wish he had the same timeline as me for these things. He just hasn't reached that point yet.

On the plus side he talks about moving all the time and he is sharing everything with me and he has said he would be fine leaving his family and friends behind to be with me which is great to hear. I guess I'm just waiting for the actions.

I just feel like my hands are tied right now. I do not want to go back to being naggy, control freak wifey. That never works anyways so I just have to be patient. That is so hard for me though. Most of the time I do okay but I am getting tired of saying "we'll probably be moving soon anyways" I just want it to happen!!!

We had a good Thanksgiving together though. He was with his family in the morning and then he came here in the evening and then stayed the night and left late Friday. Friday we had a couple moments when we were annoyed at each other but I think it is because we do not sleep well when he stays over as I have mentioned before and when we are tired we both get grumpy. No lasting damage though.

Bottom line we are very happy together and I know that things are going to be so much better when we do get to move into our own place again. We will have a long and happy life together. The separation saved our marriage and I never want to go back to the way we were. So if I perservere a little while longer everything will be alright.

Hey everyone

It's been awhile and I am still in the SAME PLACE!

I feel like I am starting to lose my mind and I need some advice. I just don't know what to do.

Still no job. Still no enlistment bonus money. Still no sign of moving out any time soon.

Worst of all we are both running out of money and it is getting harder to pay bills, let alone go shopping for Christmas gifts. I am so stressed and I tell him this all the time but it does not seem to move things along any faster.

If I am honest with myself I am pissed at him and am beginning to see him as a man who is seriously lacking ambition which is not something I ever saw in him before. I am getting angry at him for not figuring something out and I am borderline ready to start taking it out on him. Which I do not want to do but sometimes it is VERY hard to hold my tongue.

It is not all his fault. The enlistment bonus money is on hold because the army is not organized and no one is willing to step up and help us. All he gets is "talk to this person" who then says "talk to this guy" and eventually no one answers the phone anymore. There is $10,000 out there that we have been waiting for for 2 years now and once we can finally have it there is still a holdup. Ugh!

Also my job is cutting my hours down to nothing. I am apparently not working at all this whole week. My paychecks are getting smaller and smaller but the bills are staying the same size. I was not looking for another job because I was trying to wait and see what hubby was doing or if we were moving, etc. However I am now putting out applications again because I do not know what else to do. I have to take care of me right now. If I have to quit a job to move then I guess that is what will have to happen. I don't like it but it's life. I hope something works out for me soon. There are just not a lot of jobs out there right now. It's insane.

We still get along really well and are not fighting and we are still "together" and making future plans, etc. Which is all great and I do not want to come across as complaining because so many of you here would kill for that reconciliation. So please do not take this as whining.

I am just very stressed about finaces and very angry that nothing is working. I want to move out NOW. And yet that is not even on the horizon as far as I can tell.

Do you think this is a bad sign? Should I try to get out of this relationship because he will not step it up and take care of me? I know he says he is trying but how can it be this hard? He is looking for the "right thing" which would be fine if he had something to pay the bills today. I just don't want to be with someone who cannot be the provider and take care of our needs. I want him to be happy with his job, that is very important to me. But at the moment he just needs a job period.

Everytime I talk to him he is playing games or hanging out with friends. Spending money on things we do not need (going to see stupid movies in the theater and paying for his friend, going out to eat, going to a bar, etc) It's driving me crazy. Not that I am not spending any money, I am, but only when I have to buy something.

I just keep thinking "this will be the week" or "something has to happen soon." Yet it never happens. No jobs, no money, no set plans.

He is making more phone calls today about the enlistment bonus so maybe we will hear something today. I hope so. . .

The thing is he is in this mindset of wanting to take care of one thing at a time. I think I mentioned this somewhere before. He wants to deal with the enlistment money before making a decision about a job. He wants to get a job before making an appointment with a counselor to do his share of the IC sessions he told me he would do (since my last one is Thursday) This is such a stupid way to live. He needs to do more than one thing at a time. However I do not know how to tell him anything like this without coming across as being naggy and bitchy and controlling. He has already said that I am getting naggy about the job thing.

I don't want to go through all of this just to scare him off because I handle this situation wrong. It feels like a lot of pressure to do and say the right thing. It's just so hard and I am so tired of being stressed out about money.

I guess the most frustrating thing is that I have put my life on hold and said "I will go where you want, I will do what you want to do" so the fact that I am giving him so much and I am not getting plans and stability back hurts. I know he wants to get on with our life too so what is the hold-up? Could it be a subconsciece thing? Like he secretly doesn't want to get back together so subconsiously he is wrecking any plans we make? I don't know. That sounds kinda looney.

On the more positive side we are making plans to spend nearly a week together over Christmas, most of which we will be alone. So that will be nice. I really am glad that we are getting along and still working to get things sorted out I just need it to happen faster than it has been going.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Any advice would be wonderful!

Well I am feeling better now. I did a 3 mile walk/jog earlier and it helped mellow me out a little bit. I am still stressed and questioning things a little bit but I am hoping something will work out soon.

My hubby finally got ahold of the right person for this whole enlistment money and he felt good about the conversation. We will know more tomorrow when my hubby gets a call back.

We also talked about this job he applied for. I told him that the only reason I ask so many questions is because I love him and want him to be happy and he said "I know" so that is good. At least he is not viewing my concerns as naggy and controlling.

I just think we are both insanely young and that this is the normal time for people to search out the future and find the right path. I get so cart before the horse because we have already been married for nearly 3 years. And if we were 30 or something it would make sense for me to get this crazy about not having a plan. But at 22 I think we are just where we are supposed to be. I am just itching to live together again and get out of my parents and be more independent. I really can't wait, but it looks like I am going to have to.

Sigh.

If we can get this enlistment thing sorted out in the next day or two I will feel 1000x's better about life in general. At least we will be able to pay bills and buy Christmas gifts. Then my concern would shift to making sure we do not spend it all on bills and living expenses. That we stick to the plan of spending and saving it we have already made.

I just need to remember to tell him how all of this makes me feel and not just lash out in frustration which would come across as naggy and bitchy. He has been very understanding this far and knows what he needs to do. I guess that is half the battle right there.

Overall I need to just be thankful that we are back together in time for the holidays (per my goals from earlier this year) and that we are happy, flirty, and commited to the marriage lasting the rest of our lives.

Hi Daisy,

Glad that you're feeling better. Sorry I didn't post last night, but hopefully you'll be checking the boards today.

In fact I would have said a lot of what you said yourself, that you and your H are both young, and that given this fact I think your expectations probably need to be a bit different than those of other couples on the board. You'd mentioned your H always playing games or hanging around with friends. Honestly I think this is perfectly normal, and my thought is that in order to rebuild a strong marriage you will have to allow him the space to do this and "grow up" a bit within the marriage. Good news is that it is very likely that he will grow out of this phase, and start to mature a bit, but he is only 22 after all, and this is a time when most men his age would be hanging out at the clubs etc., and not taking on any serious responsibilities. I think as much as possible you have to allow him to have this freedom in his life (obviously within reason, am not referring to involvement with women) in order to realize that staying home and spending time with you is more fulfilling.

Now of course the finances issue is another one entirely and naturally you have to be sure that he is not making decisions that negatively impact on you and your plans as a couple to move forward. It sounds as though you have been doing a very good job with asking questions and explaining why you are doing so. The one suggestion that I would make (and maybe you have done this already) is to put together a budget for the 2 of you. I am not suggesting that you put this together yourself, but that you sit with him and jointly decide what money should be allocated where. That way you, theoretically, have agreement on your priorities. If he needs to have a fund for going to movies, then maybe he can understand what is not happening as a result of this. I would say that, especially still living apart, it is very easy to just think of oneself when spending money. If he gets a reminder in a cool, detached way, e.g. an Excel sheet, that there are 2 people involved, this could cause a shift in actions. I would also guess that even if he is not acting the provider at the moment, if he were to see, written out, what he is spending money on and what you are not getting as a result, he might feel a bit more inspired to do what he can to "provide" for you.

Anyway please keep us posted. It's great to hear how you are doing!

ITH

Thanks ITH

As always, I appreciate your advice.

I have been thinking a lot the last day and a half and am learning to be more content with things as they are. I still get stressed but I am trying to let it go and focus on how many good things there are in our relationship now and how many things have changed for the better.

One thing my mom pointed out to me was that he is making phone calls now. Which sounds small but it is something that my hubby hates to do and used to "forget" or "make tomorrow" as a way to avoid them. Now he is making important phone calls on a daily basis. So even though he is not making them as much as I think he should or would like he is still making progress in that he is making them and getting things done.

As far as budgeting goes I think it is a wonderful idea. I definatly want to take a financial class or something to learn more about being sucessful and running a household. It is going to be important in the next stage of our marriage. It is just not something we can really do now because we do not have money coming in to budget. Sad as that is. My hubby is not working at all and is living on what he has from his "month" away at AIT with the army. I have a job but am not getting any hours at all this week and only two partial days last week. So my paychecks are nearly invisible anyways. So we just pay the bills now. But I do want to budget in the future. One of the books I read (The Surrendered Wife) talks about giving over the control of the finances to the husband and that is something I have already commited to my hubby. I get too crazy and nuts about money. He may not be the most responsible but I feel like if he has the bills in front of him and our financial goals in front of him he will learn, over time, to make good choices. So when we move in together we will reorganize our accounts so he has control. As I am writing this I am wondering if I should not start this process now so he can see things clearly. When I moved out I started my own account that he has no access to. We need to talk this over and change it so he can take over and see all the money at once.

He has been talking to his army liason the past two days and feels confident that we will be getting our enlistment money soon. I hope he is right. We could certainly use it! This will need to be budgeted as well so we do not spend it on living expenses before we can use it to purchase the things we have been talking about for the past month or two and paying off debt.

I am also glad that you brought up the issue of time with friends as I think this is going to be a HUGE struggle when we actually do have a place together. Right now it bugs me a little only because I feel like he should be or at least could be doing other things with his free time. However when we live together again it is going to be another ballgame altogether. I know that he needs time out with friends and that I need to give him space and freedom and while I am feeling much more prepared for that now than when we first married I can still sense it being an issue of conflict for us in the near future. It's just so hard for me to let go. I really feel like some ground rules need to be set down but as my counselor says when I talk about "rules" or "boundaries" that I am being controlling and mothering. Instead I need to frame it with his level of commitment to the marriage. A married man does not go out with friends every night. A married man does not go out and drink with his buddies in bars. Etc. I have tried to have conversations with him like this but it is always hard because they are not topics he likes to discuss. Grr!

That is another thing I wanted to post about. We no longer argue about everything we actually have conversations (like civilized adults. . .lol) which is fantastic! However the down side is that when there is a topic of conversation that gets brought up that hubby does not want to discuss or feels uncomfortable with he starts to make jokes and tries to get me "off course" kinda like a kid. Do something funny and mommy will forget that there is a problem. It was really bugging me last night and so I did a 180 and just ended the conversation since it was late at night and I did not want it to turn into an argument. This morning it was still bothering me so I wrote him a long text about how it makes me feel alone when he makes jokes in the middle of problem solving conversations and that I need a partner I can count on to help me find solutions. I used a lot of "I feel" statments that my counselor wants me to use. He was uncomfortable with it but at the same time he said he would try. Which I think is great. It still amazes me how simply explaining things gets me so much farther than throwing a fit.

Another small thing is that I have been wearing my ring for awhile now but he has not been wearing his because it was packed away. I have mentioned wanting him to wear it and he said he looked for it recently but could not find it. I brought it up again last night by saying it would be nice if he would find it to wear at Christmas time when we are with my family. He did not understand why it was so important and asked for an explanation. I just said nevermind, it was just keeping up appearances. Kinda vain. That it would be fine if he waited till we move to find it in his boxes. However this afternoon when I was out shopping with my mom he sent a text saying he found it. I said found what? He said my wing! Lol (Princess Bride reference anyone? )
It was another classic example of how throwing a fit gets you nowhere and simply making your requests known makes such a difference.

Thanks for your post ITH! It feels good to be back on the board and posting regularly again. It really does help me clear my mind and getting imput helps see things from another view.

I'll be back soon!

Hi Daisy!!!

Hang in there babe!! It all seems frustrating right now but it will all work out. I think you should move forward with your plan to find a job for the time being and just switch when it is time to move..worry about the right now and what will help you reach your goal.

I LOVE the Princess Bride!!!! I walked down the aisle to the theme song "Story Book Love". My wing...lol. Good so now he found it and can wear it!

I am so glad that everything else seems to be going so well!!

Hey Sep!

Thanks for checking in on me.

I am really trying to focus on the here and now it's just so hard sometimes!!!

I'm really just happy there is communication! As simple as that sounds it was something we were lacking before. So even though times are tough Im just glad we are in this mess together and it is not just me floating around in space

Well not much change going on here.

I look for jobs and apply for a couple online but there is just NOTHING out there right now. At least it seems that way. And the good websites are flooded because unemplyment is so high. I've even tried Blockbuster. . .lol. How sad is that?

I'm going to keep trying but it is getting harder and harder to stay motivated. If I do not get any scheduled hours next week I may call the labor board and see if I qualify for unemplyment. The only reason my employers will not lay me off is because they do not want to pay unemployment. There has to be a law against this kind of abuse. Anyone know anything about that?

My mom has a friend who owns a store and she is looking to find some quality employees as she is having some trouble with her current ones. My mom mentioned it to her so we will see where that goes. Old family friend.

Hubby is still waiting to hear back about the enlistment money and the job he applied for recently. I'm getting impatient again. Plus there is sooo many things that need to be sorted out. Christmas list, Christmas shopping, figuring out our bank accounts, etc. He is coming over tomorrow and staying until Friday night so we will have a chance to sort out some of this stuff and I will feel a little better.

I just don't want to get all agitated and have there be tension between us for the next two days. I am dying to ask him a million questions and force him to make a decision to make myself feel better! I know in the back of my mind that this is NOT what I want to do. I just have a bad habit of saying things that pop into my head without thinking of the reprocussions first. Lol.

I'm really going to have to keep my mouth in check! No need to argue!

I'll post more on Friday. Details about my last IC session too.

Hello all,

Well counseling is finished. I am glad that I did it and it was a good experience but at the same time I am happy that it is over and that it is now time to move on. We talked a lot about my current situation with being in limbo as far as jobs and where to live, what to do, etc. She just reminded me that my hubby is very young and that this is the normal time to be searching and that I need to be prepared for the fact that he might change his mind several times over the next few years as his brain is still developing and all that. So while I am just about the same age I am more decisive partly being female but also just my background and personality. So basically all the things I said a few posts back. Lol. It was a good session though and I did realize more that I need to back off and let him make decisions in his own timeline. There will be less of a chance of him regreting his choices and wanting change down the road if I give him time and space now. So while it is hard for me to wait for him to make up his mind it was a good reminder that it will be better in the future if I can wait this out another month or whatever.

So hubby was here Thursday and stayed over to Friday and then left from here at 6pm to go to a party with some friends. Yuck. Oh well. Not much I can do about it. Let him get it out of his system now I suppose.

We had a good two days together though. No arguing. And we did not really get annoyed at each other. Maybe a moment or two but nothing that lasts. It's just a stressful time and situation. If we were on our own I don't think we would even get annoyed. It's just being here at my parents house with everyone around is kind of draining. It's weird how we are much better as a couple when we are alone and only with other people every once in awhile as a couple. Don't know why.

He has agreed to come to Christmas with my family so we will drive ourselves to my grandparents which is 3 hours away. Then stay Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, and then come back the day after so the cats are not alone for too long. Then he will stay here an extra day or two while my family is still with my grandparents. So that will be nice to have a couple days alone. I am just glad we will be together and much happier than we were last year.

Now if we can just get this money situation taken care of, find jobs, and move on in life!!!

He is at his drill weekend today and will be talking to his. . .can't think of the name. . .oh well. He will talk to someone in charge about his situation up to this point and will hopefully get some answers. Then Monday he has a few more calls to make about getting the enlistment bonus. So maybe we will have some answers soon. However that is like the 300th time I've said/thought that.

Sigh.

Something's gotta give!