What you are going through is very natural. Everyone moves at thier own pace as well. You are still working through the detachment stage and it can take longer than you think. Some days you will think you are there and then wham something happens that has you missing them. Good on you for dating , keep the expectations down and it can be a good experience , look at it as practice for when the right lady comes along.
Reading along and thinking of you. Well done on going out on the dates- I know myself that it's not the easiest thing to do, so if you need to back off it you should. It takes time to get into the right headspace to consider alternative options to the WAS, and (I find at least) some days are harder than others on that front. Go with the flow....
Hi C_K & OD & Ali--thanks for stopping by; great to hear from you all.
Today I came across some of W's old emails to me as I was looking something else up. I re-read some of them in the days and weeks following the ending. There seems so much caring and love and yet simultaneously absolutely no regrets or any sign of turning back. Hard for me to understand that if you do love someone a great deal, why you leave them...without any kind of trying. It occurred to me the other day that there really was no point in any of the discussions or correspondence where she owned responsibility for her own stuff in the R. nor for how much her decisions and actions have hurt me (and others). She never acknowledged--nor seems to understand--the degree to which she broke trust by holding so much inside for however long.
The idea that she loves me and yet just doesn't want to be with me is really painful still to accept. I try not to go down those roads but I feel like to be left in this way with no chance and no meaningful explanation is such a rejection...it's like it is so clear to her that things could never change to meet her needs. To me it's like she was in effect saying: "you're a great guy but I simply could never regain a sexual interest in you no matter what, so I'm leaving you to be with someone else who can do that for me". This hurts so much.
Although I don't know how things are for her, the fact is that if things were bad / difficult for her, there would have been some kind of shift, but the fact that she never wavered once in any of this indicates to me that things are better for her now without me in her life. I wish I could be in her shoes and so clear with it all.
I still feel lonely and quite heartbroken--the idea that somewhere in there she still loves me, but has nothing to give me except some distant "buddy" contact is really tough (or worse, warm and friendly pat-on-the-head contact). Especially since it seems she is open to / wanting / perhaps already in a relationship with someone else who she wants to give herself to, emotionally & sexually.
How exciting to be online at the same time! Do you know, I never thought your W was completely clear in her decision about you. Everything you posted abut her said that she had difficulty with her decision, so don't be so sure that her life is good right now. A lot of the time the MLC person needs some time away from the LBS to process and realise that the LBS isn't the cause of their pain. Even if she's not in touch she'll still be thinking about you.
How often are you guys in touch? Are there any patterns t the interactions?
Yes, a virtual connection with you and I online simultaneously! Sometimes I imagine the DB board to be like a grand ballroom cocktail party that is open 24/7. Posters come and go at different times and conversations strike up in different circles as people move around the room to listen and participate in the different thread/conversations, and btw neither your h nor Ali's bf, nor any of our WAS' are invited to this particular party!!
I know what you are saying about W. not being completely clear...this weekend, I found myself seeing her as perhaps not resolved about it all, or like you said, needing some time away. But then I found myself later thinking she must be involved with someone else. And then it shifted again-- I thought of her as being so "right"...about everything--it's like in those moments I can't see her in anything other than an idealized image: without any major issues, doing well, somewhat sad but full speed ahead in her life and no regrets, etc. And then I go back to reviewing facts of how everything unfolded and realize that I'm taking it all on again.
I find there are so many day-to-day reminders / triggers of her...things that come up and I miss her. The acceptance part has been very, very difficult for me because I don't have much of an understanding about how/why this could be the only way. It does help to read about other people's sitch's. I am still amazed after being here for nearly a year--how many stories have such similarities.
I find it would be easier to grieve the loss of the relationship if w. were to have acknowledged / taken some responsibility. Even if the outcome were no different, for her to say "I know this must be so confusing and seem crazy, but I just can't see any other way right now than to leave you. There is so much stuff going on inside me and a lot of it doesn't have to do with you, but I feel I have to leave. I am so sorry for how shocking and hurtful my actions are to you. You do not deserve this." Okay, well, that is dreaming isn't it?! But I feel like it would mean so much to hear something like that--it would not hurt any less as a loss, but it would somehow make it easier to come out more intact with my self-esteem.
Instead, I reflected this weekend that there really was no point in any email, discussion, or counselling session that we had where she took ANY responsibility for what happened. So, even though she didn't blame me directly for everything, it is her absence of acknowledging her responsibility for difficulties in the relationship. And then, there is the whole business of the process of leaving and a complete severing of commitment--not a word really on taking responsibility for how her decisions and actions have been so directly hurtful.
And in spite of all that, or in addition to it, I still miss her very much and know that somehow she does care very much about me. She doesn't hate me.
My life still feels very empty, even though I am fairly active and busy. I miss living with her, hearing her having a bath or working on something or the sound of the garage door opening signalling her return home at the end of a day. You know, after 8 years together, I never stopped genuinely being excited to see her each day.
Emailed W. today re: returning some items she lent me. I fixed them up to work better. I told her I can drop them off at our workplace for her to pick up or she can come by sometime. We don't cross paths...it's too painful for me to see her. She emailed back to ask a couple of things about me and then said she has a few things she is doing tomorrow so it probably wouldn't work out.
Of course, all I can think about is how she has all kinds of social things set up for her weekend (or maybe she is seeing someone) etc etc and how bland and empty my life seems. It is such a catch 22, because although I miss her very much, I know she's not coming back. And of course, then there is the question of whether I would want to have that person back in my life, knowing that they could suddenly just leave me again, in an instant.
So, part of me very much wants to stay connected, but the other part of me just can't bear it...what will I do--hear about her new and improved life without me in it? I haven't heard or seen anything from her since she left that even hinted she was having second thoughts. In fact, she was pretty clear that she wanted to have "other dating & relationship experiences with men"--that was another part of why she stated she wanted to leave me. I have been dark and quite closed with her for a few months for this reason...it just hurts too much. Yet I think all she wants is to just relate as friends and pretend none of this calamity ever happened--or more specifically as though she didn't directly hurt me so much. And that feels so wrong, so emotionally wrong. Or maybe she feels bad about it but it doesn't change anything, I(still)DLYA, so that's always the bottom line.
I'm trying not to focus on contrasting her life (great, amazing, exciting, full of sex, focused, successful) with mine (er...well opposites to those things), but that is a rather familiar pattern and problem I have. I really feel low and pathetic tonight. It's been a year since she moved out and I still have such a heavy heart. I feel so empty still, even though I am not crying every day anymore. @*&$%^!#!!!! The hurt still runs so deep! : ( I feel so pathetic.
At times I feel some attraction to other women but it is usually purely in a sexual way, and ultimately I am still so messed up because I still love my w. (ex w, whatever the term now) and don't want to be with someone else. I feel confused, frustrated, lost, empty and super sad! : <
I want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you, but everything here's telling me i should be fine, so why is it so, it bothers below that im missing you every time?
i got used to you whispering things to me into the evening, we followed the sun, and it's colours, and left this world, it seems to me, that i'm definately, hearing the best that i've heard,.
so throw me a rope, to hold me in place, show me a clock, for counting my days, down, cos everythings easier when you're beside me, come back and find me, cos i feel alone.
and whenever you go it's like holding my breath under water, i have to admit that i kinda like it when i do, oh but i got to be, unconditionally, unafraid, of my days, without you,
so throw me a rope, to hold me in place, show me a clock, for counting my days, down, 'cos everything easier when you're beside me, come back and find me, whenever i'm falling, you're always behind me, come back and find me, cos everythings easier when you're beside me, come back and find me, cos i feel alone
Purr sorry you are feeling so down tonight. The holidays are tough and I am sure the one year reminder doesn't help.
You will need to get yourself out of this rut you are in. I know the hurt and pain you are going through. I think I cried everyday for at least a year straight.
It does get better. Try to not focus on the life your w has without you. Focus on how you can make your life better.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
purr yes what you are feeling is normal.....this is not a road that you get over like the flu......its long...and you have to be so deliberate...its really weird how much this does affect us....just know in your mind you have probably made your w into way more that she is...like all the great fun she is having....alot of it is a cover up to the pain they are in thinking this is all there is too life...i know when i see my h who has ow....and these are all his choices he doenst look happy to me at all...in fact he looks different....
on the way u feel about ow...and still loving your wife...dont rush it...r u divorced
Hi GG, thanks for stopping in. Ugh...I know I need to focus on me. I read an article today that talked about dealing with huge changes in life and just focusing on the small next steps vs. trying to get through it all in one go and figure everything out. I've been really up and down since posting last night...felt better for a bit this morning, then kind of got into a bit of a crash thinking I wasn't this enough or that enough, now I'm pulling out of that, just trying to put the brakes on that kind of stuff.
Hi Grace--yeah, a long road indeed! You're right, I do tend to idealize w. a lot...and diminish myself too while I'm at it, it seems. I'm trying to focus more on some of the small accomplishments and choices I make for myself each day. It's helpful to do that. Sometimes it feels like drops in the ocean!
I was thinking earlier that maybe if I was just more "x" and less "y"...it would be different. But then I wonder if those things were true, she'd leave me because of "z"!! How many times have I been on that particular merry-go-round?!
Btw, no, we were just c/l, not married. So there is no divorce process to go through.
