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So true. When a person wants to think the worst, they will have many opportunities to do so. There is a way of putting it in the Landmark Forum ( A friend of mine shared this): The WAS is in a 'Always Aready' mode of perception, which loosely translated means they have a filter that colors their perception of situations.

I really don't like the girl she is going to the beach with. She caused a really big problem for my wife and I. I unwisely complained to her about my W and she told her. W broke a mirror over it. This girl then asks if my D could be the flower girl at her wedding, but doesn't 'feel comfortable' with me being there.

Most of W's friends aren't very supportive of us working out our problems, as far as I can tell. Only one former employee, a very strong Christian, stood up for me.

All the others are just negative influences when it comes to viable longterm relationships.

W has chosen such people to hang with for several years. So stinking weird.

Truth is, I would be stupid to let W come back without some sort of epiphany on her part. She has a lot of problems.

Thanks for the feedback, DR. It means a lot. Few people really seem to care except for those on this board.

I guess you have to experience something before you have compassion on others in a particular situation.

Native,

If you don't mind.. what state are you in... that is live in..

Doc

Hi native, Like you already know - friends & family will take sides. You just have to hope that the WAS takes everything with a grain of salt (as we have learned here). Whether or not you like the beach issue, I would drop it. Is it really that important? Remember, you cannot control what she does. Can you do a 180 on this issue?

Question - if you would have been happy or agreeable to the beach issue & then brought your D into the issue the way you did - would your W have reacted differently? It seems she was in reaction mode - not action mode.

Just some food for thought .....

North Carolina...

Thanks Msm....I have been acting a little whiney and hurt that she is taking vacations and going out with stupid people that she prefers over me.....

Not to say that I'm not stupid in her eyes.

But I really do have to deal with this the best I can, and you are right. I just felt the pangs of rejection and though I did not go off on how her friends are evil and stupid, I did show her I was hurt by by awkward silence.

In fact, I had thought to take a beach trip without her, but I am trying to make the most of the time I have to work and fix up the house to put it on the market sometime in the Spring.

I can wish her well on her beach trip without being pissy.

I know I can...!!!



I don't think that was it. We talked today about it and she said she was out of sorts b/c she felt 'manipulated' into coming to dinner. I had said I wanted to see my family at dinnner before going on this long road trip b/c I might not come back. I said it tounge in cheek, but she felt manipulated.

However, it was her choice to come or not. She even chose the restaurant. I seemed everything was fine too, until I talked about the beach. She was so offended by what appeared to be a set up, but was just a conversation starter, that it ruined my evening. I wish she had stayed home.

Oh yeah. The other reason she was a b***h was b/c she did not want me to have false hope, that every time she was friendly that I might think we were getting back together.

That's when I laid into her about how I dreaded us getting back together unless she had some sort of life changing event. I let her know I was done with being her scapegoat and the blame for her unhappiness. Sure, I have my faults, but I am learning from this, though I did not see evidence that she was recognizing her part at all.

She got quiet and 'sounded' apologetic, without really saying it.

Actually had to reiterate this point ( about getting back together) twice in the same phone conversation, and I'm not sure she actually got it. Not listening I suppose.

Also told her not to nag me like a wife if she was only going to be a 'friend'.

So I was a little honest about my anger and disappointment in her.

She did sound humbled too. She did not fight it. Said she was sorry I felt that way. (not quite an admission of culpability).

Oh well, whatever.

I know damn well I put up with hell and bent over backwards to try to make her life happier and more comfortable. I think I did too much, but it is a slap in the face when after doing everything you can to accomodate your spouse, they crumble you up and toss you like yesterdays news.



Thanks for the food for thought...I don't know if it will ever be clear.....

W went to her office party last night....without me. Really angers me, but I will put on a smile and ask if she had a nice time and pretend I also had a great time.............


Sometimes I am just filled with anger....
Its not that I was perfect, or that I did not know there were problems, but that I expected committment from her....in communication, in sharing household duties, in working out her crap. In the next post, I am going to post something from Nancy Wasson that sums up what would have made for a better marriage. Hope everyone enjoys.

The steps to creating an exceptional marriage include:

Accepting responsibility for your own actions

Minimizing blame and resentment

Focusing on how you need to change

Directing energy into becoming the kind of marriage partner you'd like to have

It is possible to create the marriage of your dreams if you're willing to work hard, love deeply, dream big, and persevere.


Excerpted from Nancy Wasson's newsletter.

W accidentally hit the speedial on her phone and left a long unintended message where it is obvious she is with a guy.

Her cousin (who lives with me now) called her and asked her what she was doing. (shopping) and who she was with, and if he was gay.

She said he name is Abel, he's not gay and they are just friends.

Yeah right....just friends.

This will make Christmas a hell of a lot more difficult.

As far as I'm concerned, even it she only went out with a male 'friend', its unfaithfulness. I don't know this 'Abel' character.

She's a whore.....that is what I am honestly thinking and feeling right now. I am so angry....

But you know, he'll find out what a high maintenance burden she is......

I am angry beyond reason right now.....

Sure I'm jumping the gun. But I wonder if my next stop on the DB board is the infidelity forum....

Hi native, Keep venting here, get all your anger out. Stay strong!!

BTW - Love the poem you posted - very true.