Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy PM Thread #2

Thanks John.

H came by this morning to take S8 to overnight camp with his scout troop. Great oppty for dad/son bonding. H looks hung over. He didn't say anything to me except to ask me if S8 is all packed and everything is there. That's OK, don't expect him to talk to me anyway. I just went about the house doing my own thing. Time for them to leave and I offered to drop them off at the buses because there are no parking there. He was very appreciative.
I hope they do some bonding. I hope H can relax and not ride S8 so hard. I think because he feels bad inside, his temper is extra short. I feel bad for S8 since he is full of beans and sometimes can be grating for someone who is hurting inside.

Hi there was just reading your thread. You mention how to know when to throw in the towel and that's a really hard decision. It's a personal one that only you can answer. Tell only those who support what you are trying to do.

As much as I have read, and its quite a bit, I learned that really no long term decisions should be made for at least 1 year. Of course if there is a dangerous situation or you need to file a SA to secure finances for you and you children that's different.

After I found out I went up and down on what I wanted to do. I really think I changed my mind daily. LOL

But my DS10 was so upset at the thought of divorce that I held on longer each day. I GAL'ed really hard and started salsa lessons, looked at what my H complained about and did 180's.

On October 3rd I implemented a recovery Plan for infidelity I found through and amazing book. Its called Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. Its so interesting, it explains the addictions of infidelity and gives a clear plan to recover.

The 1st 5 months my H was a raging NUT! Accusing me of all kinds of crap. He lost all rational thinking and I even think he lived in his car for a month during the summer to be near OW. He has lived with OW since August.

But guess what I implemented the plan from this book along with GAL'ing and 180'ing and now for the last 6 weeks he has been here visiting several times a week, he has stayed the night 2 times, he cheated on the OW with me every time he's here and now is lying to her, and we even talk about the future. Of course there are 2 parts to recovery in the book but you could have never told me this would be happening now.

I think its awesome you are GAL'ing. Its so important. That's awesome you are investing in yourself like that! It helps to get your mind off of the situation for a bit.

My H took all of us for granted before the affair, but during the 1st five month we rarely spoke to him because he was crazy(fog). I think it was necessary so he could appreciate all of us. Now guess what for the 1st time in 20 years I finally feel like he appreciates us. I think a person needs to get to the absolute bottom to see whats important. Expect irrational and insanity and nonsense. They are in the fog and that's all your going to get for now. If you keep having expectations it's only going to hurt you and if you keep getting hurt at some point it wont matter if H comes home because you won't want the marriage so try and protect your heart.

Yes you deserve much, but don't let that be the reason you go to find it, if that makes sense.

What I have decided for my self is hey I can be all my kids need right now. It wont be forever and I don't want to complicate it with another guy. I want to be where I am totally completely confident and content all by my lil old self until I would even consider finding anyone. Right now its the 1st time in most of my life that I'm single(I married my 8th grade boyfriend) and its ok and I am kinda enjoying it. Yes I am still fighting for my marriage but I don't need my H by my side to feel complete and it feels really good.

Anyways don't always get out of my thread, stop by anytime its Trying2Live-New Post #5. consider the book i mentioned too.

PM,,

welcome.. I've posted on Newcomers and this thread from the start... get great advice on both.

I'm right where you are... struggling, missing my H so much, one minute I want to detach and not see him next minute I miss him... I'm having a bad Saturday.. I just want to know when will the pain stop, the heartache go away... I'm much better than I was month one but still very raw and emotional most weeks... this isn't a one year boyfriend for any of us... we married, had babies together... I guess my marriage vows meant more than they did to H.

I ask the same questions, why do I even keep the glimmer of hope of wanting him back? I can't imagine not being a family some days, I hate the thought of saying I'm Divorced, and more importantly I hate that my girls won't have there dad in there home everyday..... I also can't imagine sharing holiday's and weekends... it kills me. Bottom line, I still love this man and he was such a great husband and father prior to this A and his MLC... or what I hope is a MLC that he is going through...

I can't decide some days to DBing or to throw it all in.... I'm still too emotional so I'm trying to just play it cool but not doing a very good job of it...

So PM not sure I have any good advice.... only each of us can decide.. Question, does your H ever bring up divorce? Mine does so I know that is what mine wants, at least right now.

Trying2Live, your post was a good one to read for me. My wife has said she wants a divorce. She is in that fog of a new OM and can't see anything else. I'm realizing that I need to work on moving on just to protect myself and my sanity.

{{{T2L}}}, your post is so inspiring!!!!! Thank you so much for putting your time in for me and helping me thru this difficult time. I will definitely look into Surviving An Affair. I guess that's what was missing. I am doing 180s, Getting a life but I didn't really have a solid plan or direction for turning around the dynamic of our relationship. I am so glad to hear that you are getting your H's attention. I tried to find your FIRST thread so I can read what you did exactly but couldn't find it on the board, could you spend a minute to summerize what you did?

"Expect irrational and insanity and nonsense", yes, I get a lot of that. All his decisions now seem irrational and insane. I am trying very hard not to expect him to think the same way he did when he was with me.


"Yes you deserve much, but don't let that be the reason you go to find it, if that makes sense." I had to think hard about this one. I know my C says to give this one year as well but I am just not seeing any hope from H's side. But now that I have read your e-mail, I think I can hold out a little longer. I can at least read that book and find out if I can implement Plan A. If there is something I can try, I will do it. I am a determined person (some might say stubborn) but my persistance has paid off many times for me in the past.

"I want to be where I am totally completely confident and content all by my lil old self until I would even consider finding anyone. Right now its the 1st time in most of my life that I'm single(I married my 8th grade boyfriend) and its ok and I am kinda enjoying it." I feel this way on most days now, thank goodness. The first few months were really really tough. But now my mindset is, hey, I'm free! I can make most of my own decision without anybody's OK. That's a great feeling!

Last night I went out to a friend's cocktail party, very civilized, nibbles and good conversation. Fun! I can sleep at whatever time I want, do my own thing and not have to worry about pleasing someone else. It is a good feeling. I love my kids to death and I give them joy. I like being this person and am comfortable in my skin. I just feel sad and ickky inside when I think of H so I try not to do that too much.

{{{{{{{TxMom}}}}}}}}

How is my tennis friend? Did you get some sets in this weekend? I know tennis cheers me up enormously so I try to play whenever I can.

I hear you. Everything you said is true for me as well. We flipflop but I think I might be just a little bit ahead of the curve because my bomb happened just a bit before yours. So I can say, your emotions will settle down more with time. Not that time heals everything but the pain will dull a little, your strength will return and you will feel almost normal for a whole day. That is a good feeling.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't know which, my H has not yet mentioned the dreaded D word. He is very avoidant and don't talk about ANY feelings or ANY OW stuff or ANY of our R stuff at all. So I am playing by those rules for now because I almost get smacked (not literally) if I voice my feelings.

But you know what, from what I have read here and how my H behaves, I think most of the time, they are trying to convince THEMSELVES as much as you, that they are making the RIGHT decision for them. I think that is the case with my H. He has made such a BIG DEAL regarding the breakdown of our relationship in the past and his new love that he has to make it all seem worthwhile! Otherwise, he has to admit that he is a big jerk, right? But who in the world would admit that to themselves?

So my advice to you is the advice my DB coach gave me, for my two cents, just agree with him! I know it's risky but you might as well try it! Do a total 180 and say, yes, you deserve to be happy, everyone deserves happiness and if you are happy with her, then by all means, you should spend more time with her. And then wait.

He will either be:
a) Really relieved that you agree with him - in which case, why push for a D when he can have his cake and eat it

b) Reconsidering - why is she agreeing with me? Why doesn't she beg and cry like she usually does? Doesn't she love me anymore? But I'm so awesome, she MUST be desperate to have me back!! This will get his curiosity going and get his attention back on you.

I know this is a big risk and you probably need to practise in a mirror so you put on a convincing face (I did it, it looked stupid but I wanted to be convincing when the time came - hasn't yet but I'm prepped).

So Tx, do the 180. What you want to do now is not fix your R but just put seeds of doubt in his mind, that's all. Baby steps, honey. You can do it!

JWM, what are you doing to move on and GAL? Thanks for stopping by. Maybe we can trade ideas? T2L has picked up salsa. You know, guys are pretty scarce in dance classes, I bet you would have the ladies lined up to dance with you.

I'm into tennis myself, same thing. Love to hit with guys because they are stronger and if I play with them, my game improves tremendously.

What guy things can I get into to move on and meet new people, hmmmm?

{{{T2L}}} BTW, for the most part, the mood is not very negative when he comes visit, and I try to be cheerful. What do I do next? Do I still head out the door or do I stay and try to flirt?

PositivelyMommy, Salsa sound great but how do you start. I've started a Krav Maga class. It is an intense self defense\fitness class. The class is half women. The great thing about it is you get in shape fast and after a while no one better mess with you.

I'm getting more involved with my church. I think is is important to try and meet someone that has the same belief system...simple things like the importance of marriage vows.

PM,

I think you might so great with Plan A..... not for everyone b/c it is cake eating.. which my H is doing some too... but you've been apart enough with minimal contact or R, OW talks ... I'm 2.5 months since bomb so I'm way too emotional, highs and lows, to do a true Plan A although like this weekend for me I try to be cheerful when around H....

You and T2L timing is almost exactly same... her H moved out around April or May and in with OW in August... she had min. to no contact with him for 5 months.... now doing Plan A which is making sure you fill his top 5 emotional needs, invite him to places, always cheerful etc... get the book and read...

No D talk is a good sign too... unlike my H has brought it up but usually when I have R talks ... so if I don't have them he doesn't either...

Tennis good thing.. we have something in common ... to bad tennis season is over until Feb....

I'm going to update my thread later tonight too... I feel I need advice as well and feeling much like you... one day I'm so hurt and can't imagine ever forgiving and the next day I feel inspired to work on this M and me and hope and pray H comes home.. only if God is prepared for him to be a better man and do the work necessary to affair proof our marriage and love deeply again...

I think a year is a good timeframe... but it is an individual decision. As long as no one remarries then there is always the chance... right??

hang in there...