Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis H in MLC 3

Hey there,

Same here.. I have been on the MLC board all year, but only just saw your posts. Post to others and offer advice, thats how you get it back at ya. I agree.. DO NOT TELL HIM anything. Thats you trying to control a situation from the outside. It will backfire on you. Be very careful who yuo do speak to or spread gossip too, ONLY talk to people loyal to you and who you know wont betray your thoughts to your H.

Your H is being rather cruel in talking sometimes on the phone, but ignoring you in public.. he is trying to make a stand. It is also very childish that he would say "you had your chance, you took me for granted" and thats why he ran off with OW. What I see on these boards is that alot of these WAS and men are like this - non communicative, we were blindsided, didnt realise how unhappy they were. How can we have fixed things, had a healthy R or been aware of neverlone attending to their needs, if they didnt TALK TO US???? THats why we are all here, desperately trying to fix something, after the horse has bolted, so to speak.

I still cry alot too, I was earlier and last night, you are not alone in that! Its frustrating, its so hard, its horrible to feel alone whilst they are in a new R... but thats not healthy is it. Who walks out of a 20 year R straight into a new one, with no time in between on their own to find out who you are and wht you really want? Its weak. Its filling a gap in them, its externalising changes, instead of growing and maturing on the inside. Maybe its a male thing.

All you can do.. is get yourself together. Make sure you look good, eat well. Try and start a new hobby, dont try phoning/texting again.... you did that and got A response, but not the response you were looking for. I think in a way it is good that you said your piece, at least you know you did tell him that you still love him and would try again. Theres no need to tell him again, he will remember that you said it.

I agree the OW sounds awful, as so many of them do. My ex has hooked up with someone that his own best friend described to me as a "f*cking b*tch" - that is not a good endorsement! My counsellor said, whatever they look like on the outside, its not the reason they have gone for that person, its how that person makes THEM feel.. they like their status better with them, they can be a new person and feel important again.

Your H is 43 and this has been going on for a year.. that means he has been in his Uranus half return (takes 84 years to go around your birthchart). Basically, astrologers call that, the mid life crisis.. and Uranus things CAN make you throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak, in your rush to change things. It isnt always for the best and may require more changes later on. Theres no way of telling if they will stay together for years, but looking at her track record and how they got together, its not looking too hopeful is it?

Like Dawn and me and all of us here, try and hold your head up high and know that there was nothing you could have done to prevent this and its likely you cant do anything to change it now. People take a long time to process things and reflect back, I know myself I have done - a couple of years maybe. THen you can look back and go "OMG, I cant believe I behaved like THAT".

Ali x

Dawn & Kelaaron:

Thank you so much. I was beginning to think I was alone here too.

I totally agree that H and OW wouldn't believe anything I'd tell them about their extra people. I told my sil about H and friend and she said 'Are you surprised?' It makes me wonder just how many there have been. H worked out of town all our marriage so it was very easy for him to have numerous 1 nighters. I'm not saying he did but the opportunity has been there for him. I guess I had to have so much trust in him not to cheat that is why I'm so surprised by off all of this.

I need to get back to me. I've put on about 10 lbs. of the weight I've lost. On an up side, my Silpada jewelry business is doing well. I had a show last night and 7 more before 11/12/08.

I'm at a point that I need to see if H wants to sell the house or keep S16 and myself in it until he graduates. There have been 5 houses in my neighborhood on the market for the past year. Our part of the country hasn't been hit has hard as some areas so our house may sell but not sure if we'd get what we would have last year.

Dawn, you made me laugh about the camel toe comment. I guess H thinks he's entitled to have his affairs and to try and collect women. Who knows what their little minds think when they are in full blown MLC. You're right that I shouldn't assume that all is peachy with H & OW.

I am really concerned about S19 and his behavior. He actually agreed to go to counseling when he moved back with me. But, he was supposed to move back in August 2008 but now says he won't be back until August 2009, if at all. He's talking about changing college to the one by OW's house. I found out that he is seeing a girl at this new college that he graduated from high school with. So, this doesn't help me much in getting him back here and to a counselor. I don't think he'd go to one over there.

Ali:

Thanks for your reply too.

That is very interesting about the astrology thing. It's funny that you reference astrology because my BF and I were just looking up our birthdates on a website http://www.paulsadowski.com and it has a lot of interesting info.

It also has a fortune cookie thing and mine said that The hard times will begin to fade, joy will take their place. I know it's silly but I've come take note on what the fortune cookie says. About 3 1/2 years ago, H & I had gone to each Chinese food and talk about our future and where we were heading and we agreed it was time to build our dream home. (H was in EA with OW at the time) My fortune cookie said that I'd be in a beautiful new home in a year. I was. A week before I found out about OW, I went to eat Chinese food and the fortune cookie said Make a budget and stick to it. Little did I know that I'd be living on less money. But, I have a budget and I'm doing pretty good with it. So, I believe that the hard times will begin to fade.

Don't get me wrong. I am a Christian and I do believe and God. Maybe it's His way of getting me to listen.

I just want to clarify that BF in the statement above stands for Best Friend not boy friend.

Ha! Like that website, I just found out I share a birthday with Sharon Stone, Prince Edward (I knew that one) and .. Osama Bin Laden !!!! Funny. He must be a nice guy afterall then if he's a Piscean No wonder he lives in a cave (they are hollowed out by the sea arent they!?

I am sorry that your H left you after promising to build your dream home then got you to move out and her in! Thats terrible.

Ali x

Hey Ali:

Actually, for now S16 & I still live in our dream house while I'm receiving support to pay the payments.

H and OW moved in June into HER dream house that HE helped her build. She should actually thank me because if I hadn't found out about her and H left me he wouldn't have put the money into it to make it as nice as it is. THE SKANK!!

After last weekend, then on Tuesday someone tried to steal my car and then last night the credit card company called me saying that someone was trying to charge on my credit card I'm ready for a new week!!

What can you tell me about Libra's?

OW has a myspace. I check it. I know that I should let it go and act "as if" it doesn't bother me but it does. I'm only human. Anyway, the OW (and I'm trying to be nice here) says she's coming to my son's game tonight. Using his name in that little comment box. I can't tell you how fast my heart was racing when I read that. I don't want her ANYWHERE near my kids. It's bad enough that S20 lives with her.

So, and this is kind of funny, H and OW will drive 1 1/2 hrs one-way to watch a game that S16 isn't even playing in because of his broken arm from last weeks game. If H would even talk to his S he'd know this.

Well H brought OW AND her 3 kids to S16's game. No one sat with them. We lost by 12 to the #3 team in the state and S16 didn't play.

My friends son spoke with S16 after game and H walked up to them to talk. My friends son left without saying anything to H and he said that S16 only spoke a few words to H and S16 turned around and left H standing there too.

H is taking OW and her 3 kids fishing this weekend and S16 (who LOVES to fish) isn't going. They are even staying here in town and S16 isn't going to see them.

Why can't they see what they do to our kids?

Last week during an argument with H, he said that I didn't know OW and should not speak about her that way. In the heat of it, I told him HE didn't know her and that she'd had a boyfriend last year and that the boyfriend had broken up with her she didn't leave him. H appearently called the boyfriend but he didn't tell him EVERYTHING just that they'd been hanging out and partying. OW did tell H that they'd gone to New Orleans for a weekend.

Anyway, as expected, OW said H was with me and she was lonely so he's ok with it. (Hello! I was lonely too but I didn't cheat!!) Also, H had told me that if I'd been the one to cheat that he wouldn't want anything to do with me. But with her it's OK? What gives?

However, I did find out that H was trying to pick up a friend during a party at our home June 2007. So, H is ok with OW's little fling I guess because he's guilty over trying to pick up another woman. H told me to stay out of their and any other woman he is with personal life and to get over it.

I've been hearing that a lot lately. Even my friends are telling me to 'get over it, it's been a year now'.

Also, this past weekend a very dear friend of mine and her H spent the weekend with H and OW and S16. Which hurts me really badly. They all had a grand ole time. They stayed up all night drinking and laughing. H and OW slept until 2 pm. S16 came home an hour before his dad even woke up.

My friend says she's stuck in the middle because our H's are friends. I say that she should tell her H that she doesn't want to spend time with OW but H would be OK. Of course, I didn't tell her that but am I wrong here?

Well, Saturday marked a year that H walked out on me for OW. He's still deep into MLC. He thinks everyone should accept her and that I should 'get over it'.

I've learned what my part was in this. Not showing him enough attention, not appreciating him enough, not putting him first over our children. I've learned that sometimes in order to get you have to give ALOT before you get anything.

I've always been a very independent person. I had to be since H's job took him away alot. I've learned that sometimes it's good to need someone. I can't do everything. I'm not superwoman.

I've learned that I'm a very beautiful person inside and out. So what if I'm not as skinny as I was 20 years ago. I shouldn't let that slow me down. I'm still me and a lot of people love me. Too bad H can't but that's his loss.

Too bad I didn't learn these lessons years ago. I also wish that I'd read DB years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be here now.

H has no plans whatsoever to ever get back with me. H is done with me.

H and I bearly communicate. Our S's are older and do not require us in communication like those with younger children do.

I'm still not sure how to get H to notice me if he lives 1 1/2 hrs away and we don't talk. Any suggestions anyone?

So, it's just me against the world. I can do this. Granted, I wish I was doing it with H by my side like we planned 21 yrs ago.