Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Moving her from Newbees

Well, Jody is my DBcoach too (& ITH too - I think). So we are on the same path kind of. Same type of DB outline. Ah, feel lucky with the contact you have w/your W. I say you are lucky to see your W every 10 days - last time I saw my H was July 31st. Note the babysteps -it will help you feel like you aren't stuck. Stay positive & be happy - you are in a good place.

Hey Cotoffgard,

I have only been a couch potato for the last 2yrs. Before that I'd regualarly go adventuring overseas. The sad part is if we hadn't split, she would be coming with me to Nepal. We've spend many years travelling the world together. She is fully aware of this trip..and is going to watch the house and kitties while I'm away.

It seems so long ago since she dropped the bomb..that I can hardly remember what the situation was like then. I do know that I was pretty unmotivated about life back then. I am definetly returning to who I used to be when life was good. Christ...I don't even look the same when I look in the mirror. GALing has certainly had a positive effect on me.

W is supposed to be coming over for breakfast tomorrow. I'm planning on making her favorite. BBQ smoked salmon, bagels and fresh coffee.

Sometimes something else comes up with her....so it is possible she will raincheck the breakfast...but I hope not. Another opportunity to DB.

Whenever I know that she is coming over, I make sure the house is spotless, the lawns mowed, gardens watered. I want her to miss our homely environment and see what she is giving up. We have the cutest house on our street that we spent the last few years renovating.

What is strange is that I am missing her less and less these days. I'm starting to enjoy being single and independant. I used to rely on W to do most of the organization of our lives....now I'm doing everything...including all the bills/finances which used to totally be her turf. At this point, she really has no reason to come to the house anymore which is a shame.

Should I tell her that I miss her.....she might be starting to doubt that I do since I am doing so well by myself.

What if this is what happens during a seperation......couples slowly start drifting apart and moving on with their own lives never to return (just thinking outloud).

We haven't spoken a single word about our seperation to each other for about 2 months. We are just carring on status quo with her in her own 1 bed-room apartment (I don't even know the address)and me still in our home with the kitties. I'm sure it's like the big elephant in the room that no one talks about. How/when should this conversation come up???

Well breakfast went really well. W hung out for about 2 1/2 hours and we just chatted about regular stuff. Had a very good hug when she left. Neither of us would let go. Tried hard to cheerlead where I could. Nothing negitive came up....so I didn't get the chance to validate anything.

It's my birthday this week so we are going to go out for dinner one night. Seeing her twice in the same week. That is going to be a record.

There are no real developments our situation...so I guess its just a holding pattern at this stage. We are going to reduce our contributions to our retirement savings to help cover the expenses of her apartment. She is getting a pay raise this month....so I guess financially we can keep this up indefinetly.

Although she hasn't said anyting, I get the feeling that she is impressed with how much I am supporting her during all this. I did offer for her to take some of our furniture to her apartment...but she said that the house is set up perfectly and she didn't want to move anything out of the house. I took that as a good sign.

Oh well....other then that, it's just business as usual.

Yee haaa......it's my 40th birthday today.

I checked myself out in the mirror before I left to work and the only great thing about my situation is that I never thought I would be in this great shape when I was 40. I will continue to concentrate on fitness and good health.

Happy birthday to me.

W is grilling me about what I want to do one day this week to celebrate. I think we'll go to one of our favorite wine bars for a couple of bottles of Malbec and great food. Malbec is a great wine we discovered on a trip to Argentina a couple of years ago.
That should bring back some good memories.

These are my current goals.

1. Hold down the fort (maintain house & finances)
2. GAL & PMA
3. DBing whenever I get an opportunity

Went out last night with W to celebrate my old age. Had a really fun time.

She picked me up since I was planning on having quite a few glasses of wine. On our way out down to the car...she commented on how great the front gardens are looking and how we will need to prune the roses differently this year. It was a funny comment cosidering she dosn't live her anymore.
She also commented on how well we are managing our retirement accounts.

Had a really great long hug at the end of the evening. All in all....a good night out.

I am enjoying this friendship thing quite a lot. This is actually getting to be a lot of fun.

So...I sent W an e-mail letting her know I'm cleaning out the garage and throwing out all our crap that has been sitting there for the last decade unused.

She e-mails me back letting me know how much fun she had on Friday and wants to get together again in the next couple of days.

All of a sudden, I don't know if I want to be available. I'm starting to enjoy the single life more and more...especially the salsa classes I'm taking a couple of evenings a week.
As soon as I start getting a life of my own...she starts coming around again.

I don't think she reliases that she really broke my heart and fu*ked our finances. I'm not going to be welcoming with open arms waiting for her return anymore.

Let's suppose that she doesn't realize she broke your heart (do I laugh now or later?). Wouldn't that mean she doesn't feel pressured or pursued which makes her a bit more amiable and easier to DB? OMG, she pretty much invited you on a date within the next couple of days!

However, if I were in your shoes (man I hope I will be one day), I'd totally play it cool and regretfully decline going out on a weeknight but propose perhaps a Sunday brunch? You're right in that you shouldn't be too available. Time to dust off DR/DB and reread applicable chapters on what to do.

I think enjoying your "single life" is a great thing! I'm really starting to feel like a whole person again as my GAL'ing is starting to pick up some steam. You have to be an independent person before you enter into a co-dependent relationship, no?

Keep up the awesome work! You're trending mighty favorably!

I'm sure she realizes she broke my heart. I told her when she first left....and when we had our last conversation about the seperation (2 mths ago).

Since then we have been going out about once a week for the last 8 weeks. The first few outings were a little tense, both of us trying to be as possitive/ happy as possible. We have not had any conversations about our situation for at least 2 mths. I'm just trying to be as happy, friendly, positive as possible. I don't really have to try any more because I am.

I'm going to try to get her to come to the house more often for either dinner or breakfast instead of going out. Hopefully that way she will slowly become more comfortable being in our old environment again.

I really like to cook....so I can probably intice her to come over when I cook something special. I told her I was planning on bbq lamb one night this week...so she replied saying that she will definetly be calling.

Lately..whenever I offer her to join me for something (normally associated with food or drinks), she has alway said yes. I am only offering about once a week at this point and the meetings have always gone very well.

I have no idea how long this will go on before we need to have some sort of conversation about US. Hopefully she will bring it up. I am off on a month long vacation for all of November. We will not have any commucication during that period. The longest we have been out of communication so far (either e-mail or face to face) has been about 5 days. A month is going to be a long time. Maybe she will come to some sort of realization while I'm away climbing mountains.

Had a major backslide tonight.

W came over and I made us both dinner. She looks so georgous.
Everything was going so well....and then I told her that I miss her very much and that I'm finding this very difficult. I'm sure she saw me kinda tearing up. She just said that she's sorry.

Oh crap. So much for not bringing up the relationship...or the situation.