Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy PM Thread #2

Oh Steve!! Thank you soooo much, sweetie for contacting me. I have wanted to hear from you more than you could possibly realize. You have turned out to be a role model for this board! I don't use your name, but I have used your story to encourage other men who feel there is no hope in their stitch.

Today is a hard day for me b/c we received some disappointing news last night and I am very worried about my daughter. As you may remember, she is a bad diabetic and this could put her in the hospital. But anyway, your timing was perfect, b/c it has soothed my heart to hear from you.

Love to your family. Keep up the good work and don't let down. It would be easy to let that happen. Just keep those great self improvements going. You will always be my "sweetie" no matter how old you may get. You are very special to me.

Love,
Sandi

PM, you hit it right on the head!



I feel it is more of losing a huge hunk of my life b/c as I said, working in the church at various jobs has been the biggest part of my life b/c I was raised by my parents from the time I became a Christian to do this, but then it was like a natural love for me. My sister, on the other hand, is nothing like that, so I think it was not just b/c my parents instilled it in me....but that I truly felt it in my heart. I suppose I never thought of it making me different of "special" from other people.....but I will certainly think upon that idea. As being a big part of my "identity"........never thought of it as my identity, I guess, just that that was what I did in life apart from working in the public and being a mother, etc. That was my love. It does seem that you have hit the right key and I am going to think a lot about this. I'm not sure what to do with it once I realize that this is correct.

The fact that the disease has taken so much away from me causing so much sadness, anger, and frustration......maybe not in that order, but the fact that I just cannot do what I use to do for my family or anyone......I feel that I have no quality of life. I suppose I am the type of person that has to have a "purpose". Maybe that is why I spend so much time here on the board, is b/c that is all I can do worthwhile when I get home from work. I can't clean my house or cook or do anything for my family. There are so many people outside of my family that I could help do things for (which I don't know that was ever my "gift")....but what I felt like God did give me as a "gift" (if you want to call it that) has now been taken away due to this disease and I just am having a very difficult time accepting that. I don't want to give it up! I fought it as long as I could and now I am so afraid I will go down very fast and I don't want to do that.

My family has been so understanding. I could not ask for better than they have been. It is all me! I am the one that is struggling with the fact that my life is different now and I don't like it and I get so depressed and right now I am bawling my eyes out writing this to you. Guess it is like a cleansing.

You have helped me by showing your concern and anything you want to say to me or can help me.....I will welcome it. It seems so ironic that both my children are disabled and now I am so limited to what I can do. It is a "depressing" fact that our family has to live with day to day. When you have three people in your family that have chronic pain every day of their life and it "robs" them of quality of life.......that takes a toll on marriages, relationships with their children, any activities that other can do that they can't partake in, and just about everything that you could think of. It was hard enough to see my two grown children have to endure this with their S and children and try to "carry on" with their lives as best as they could, but then when mine hit.......it just seemed about too much for everyone. Maybe I am too self centered. I pray that I'm not. I don't mean to be. I just don't know how to coop and we do not have any type of support group here. I wanted to start one, but have not had any success.

I have to get ready for work. Thank you soooo much! It helps to talk to somebody that truly cares.

Sandi

Sandi,

You are a giver and you are very comfortable in the role. Up until now, you have had lots of energy, good health and always a good heart. But we all come to a point where we will need to receive as well. Please don't feel guilty that you are now at the receiving end. Please know that all the good work that you have done have been felt by many many people, including me, who is just quietly reading your posts on this BB. Even now, you are continuing in your giving work. It's true, you have the most wonderful spirit. Even with these tremendous physical hurdles, you continue to give with your words on this BB. Good for you. You set a great example for all of us.

So sorry to hear about your daughter's hospital stay. I hope it is not too serious.

It is natural to feel sad for all that you have lost so far. We, on this BB, has felt great loss. There is nothing I can say that will soothe your pain. I am sure you know that in order to get some peace in life, you don't look to your past, you don't plan for your future. Just live for today. I hope we can all live in the present.

Hi PM. How you getting on today? Did your MIL come to stay yet?

I just thought I'd check in and see how things were going here. Your last few posts seem to be fairly positive so I'm really happy for you.

Keep smiling - it bugs the hell out of them!

CIW, I just posted on your thread. DON'T PANIC, OK? That is the first thing to keep in mind. The next thing is DO NOTHING. When we are very very emotional, we want to express those emotions. Believe it or not, our spouses are definitely not ready to handle them so Don't even go there. Keep in touch.

Hi PM, just stopping in to say Hi. Decided to work on a Plan A approach before I end up hating my H. Came close this week. I figure I can start it even though I am going back east next week and with that seperation and me being nice before might have some impact on him.
How is your situation going? You do have a positive outlook which really helps. take care.

PM - checking in.. update me.. how are you doing? Christmas plans?

Hi everyone. This past week has been tough.

H is still very distant and I will trying to keep busy and trying not to let his rejections affect me too much. Finally talked about Christmas, HE's coming over on Christmas Day and not on Christmas Eve. Told me he had to work, yeah, right. And I was born yesterday.

Anyway, no confrontation. Just trying to plan a good day for kids and I and he can do whatever he likes. I will not dwell on yet another disappointment and selfishness on his part. He has not considered his children's feelings and is putting himself first yet again. Boy I really hope his new life is really worth it and he is really happy because if not, all of our misery is for nothing. He wants his happiness at the cost of our happiness. Thanks very much. I sound a bit bitter today because it's the holidays I guess. I need to lower my expectations yet again and expect NOTHING.

He has run all over town buying presents for the kids to compensate for his behavior. NOT EVER has he bought birthdays or christmas presents for the kids. This is a first. So I know the guilt is eating him up and he is looking for ways to make it up for them. Why do people think that they can buy love with presents? I am so totally not that way. So it's hard for me to understand. I've explained to my H that our children loves quality time and if he loves them, that's what they need. But he'd rather spend Christmas Eve away from them and compensate with material things.

MIL is nervous about visit. She wonders if she will be introduced to OW. She thinks H doesn't know what he wants so he is doing everything that feels good at the moment and avoiding anything that is unpleasant. I told her that he knows she won't make a fuss at the meeting if he chooses to introduce her to his Mom. But she says that he really needs to clarify to himself and to her about OW and what she means to him. Good. I think he should have a proper think about it. Is she really his soulmate? If so, then I have lost and have nothing to say. If not, then he should really do a rethink of everything. I think her visit will bring some reality into his fantasyland. I have been an enabler, not making him confront any issues or any unpleasant decisions. Her visit is a natural catalyst of moving things forward and away from the stalemate which is his cake eating. He can't blame anything on me since I am not demanding anything from him. I am just living my life, enjoying my life. He needs to decide what he wants, who he is, what he wants to do and how he wants his Mom and his kids to see him. I am removing myself from the picture entirely. I refuse to be his scapegoat any longer.

PM...

thinking of you too. I'm sorry you are struggling.. good news is he is wanting to spending Christmas with you and kids... that is progress... Like you've told me.. keep it upbeat and positive... I love that his mom is coming in and might put some pressure on him. My MIL and H family has done nothing... my H is like them in crisis they all detach and talk about nothing.....

Also, one of my friends called our H's the guitly parenting... her parents did that to her .. her mom actually - when all she wanted was her love and time she bought her things and still does to this day....

I'm glad to know we are not alone.... very hard time for all of us..

thinking of you

PM -

all I want to say is you are a wonderful women... you are down and out (or struggling) yourself and you come to my thread and ALWAYS post positive, upbeat, hopeful words to encourage me...

thank you for this gift you've given me... you are one in a million... You and a few other great people here who check on me regularly.. it is amazing..

I was very close to calling a DB coach and just might tomorrow. You seem to have gotten great advise.