Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Scared but ready #4

It's only Saturday night...S12 and I are already worn out. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.....

Waiting on the Mizzou game...

H was working on the basement..

I was working on the upstairs, we decorated last night but it still needed to be cleaned up and all "put together."

He came up and I said you'll be happy, go check it out...
H: It looks great! All right! NOW we can have mom and dad over for dinner...(the "finally" is implied here...and he's never said one frickin word about wanting to do that anyway).

ME: roll eyes...

H: OH, right, I forgot you can't stand my parents...

ME: I didn't mean that... I meant

H: Drop it!

ME: But I

H: DROP IT!

ME: I'm trying to say I was annoyed because you acted like it was finally "good enough"

H: Yeah right

ME: Hey, are you going to

H: Are you going to do this?? Drop it! FINE YOU'RE RIGHT!

ME: I'm not trying to be right...are

H: walking out. Just forget it

ME: pause...are you going to tell me what I think?

H: YOU'RE right...YOU'RE right, that's what you want.

Waited about five minutes...

I said it's not true that I can't stand your parents...
H: (all snotty) I know that.

Now he's following me around. Extra nice. Just keeps following me. Acting five years old.

S12 said he can't wait for Monday cuz that's when he gets to go back to the counselor.

Got about an hour before the game...see you guys.

P.S. I shouldn't have rolled my eyes in this convo, I already know that. But he's been a nagging nightmare since last night.

Ew triggers...h used to do this. cut me off in the middle of me trying to explain stuff.

Hint - you can't change what he thinks. If he thinks you can't stand his parents you can't change that. I'm trying to teach myself to say things plainly straight up like "Oh so you mean the place is FINALLY ok to show off to other people. You know you live here too and could have done x,y,z to make it happen faster instead of bitching about it."

*growl at BA's h*

Well, with him it goes back to the all or nothing thinking as well. I mean, I AM angry with his parents about some things...but that is NOT the same thing as not being able to stand them.

If you voice any complaints or problems or feelings...well then..in his mind, you're miserable, "it's all over with," you can't stand them...

So then you're left defending yourself (unsuccessfully)from the extreme viewpoint, or reminded to never say anything but sunshine and rainbows.

He's been all sunshine and rainbows tonight, so I told him that I was hurt earlier. As soon as I said that, in the most nonconfrontational way I could, he rolled his eyes...so I said never mind. So he apologized, and then I told him how hard it was when he shouted me down with Drop IT, and so on...and he says he just wants to stop the argument. It was just stupid...it wasn't worth arguing about. We talked a little and he just CANNOT see how he is completely denying me any "voice" when he does these things. He finally agreed but it was totally fake. I'll take it though! LOL/

then, really funny, he was flipping thru Men's Health magazine and they had a page on "speaking her language" and he joked about how he needed to read it...and he looked at it for a while..and then he finally said.."I just don't get this." He seriously doesn't.

<Sigh>

But then we read all the Mexican recipes and talked about which ones to make, so...that was nice.

Breakaway - Sounds like H can't let antyhing go and you fall right into the trap of trying to validate yourself. We know that's not contrustive.

Here is your quote ... "If you voice any complaints or problems or feelings...well then..in his mind, you're miserable, "it's all over with," you can't stand them..."

Maybe he can't deal with confict? Maybe is knows he's wrong but can't admit it and is presenting something else on the surface? If he is wrong, it sounds like he must have some sort of guilt attached to it. Maybe he can't live with the guilt and he knows he's selfimploding.

He can't deal with almost anything. Even good things sometimes. I think there's a 3 ring circus going on in his head most of the time, and he's always reacting to something he's obsessing about instead of what's actually happening.

Okay. Yesterday was day two without anxiety meds...coupled with day one taking Vicodin. Usual Saturday stress...up and down with the niceness.

SO..in the middle of the night...he has a panic attack. He wakes me up out of a dead sleep and says I'm not feeling well, I need you to hold me...so I come over to his side (we have a king) and we kind of snuggle up spoonwise, so actually he's holding me, kind of tight. Not like good tight. And he's saying he doesn't feel well, and I'm thinking he means because of his mouth and throat.

ME: Did you take your painkillers?
H: No! I'm afraid to take them. Because I'm not feeling well.
ME: ?? I'm confused.
H: Don't be confused!
ME: ?? What is wrong??

And I try to turn over and he won't let me...he's like, no I need you like this. And he's kind of clutching me. And I'm getting kind of...scared. It was so weird. And he says, I think I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. And it's dark and I'm out of it anyway...and finally he decides he's not having a heart attack.

And my back was hurting, so I got him to let me turn towards him instead "just for a minute"...I told him I had to go to the bathroom so I could get up for a second and get my head clear...my internal "flight" sensors were ringing wildly. I could just feel all his anxiety pouring out his skin. I remembered Dudess talking about "the teddy bear woman" or something and thinking I needed to ask her about that...I felt like a teddy bear alright.

Got back in bed and "assumed the position" the wanted...but I was kind of freaking out. He wasn't threatening me or anything, but I just felt really scared. So after a while he calmed down.

And he said it had passed, and he was going to have to just try to be calm. And I said that's what the medicine is for. And he just stiffened up. I laid awake a while. It's kind of hard to "detach" when someone is literally holding on to you.

This morning he said, well I guess I need that medicine. So he refilled it. Again he was talking about trying to be calm, and I said, honey, most people don't have to "try."

He's also blamed the whole thing on some tea he drank last night though. Too much tea. Okay. As long as he takes the little white pill I don't care what he says. We also came to the conclusion that he should not take Vicodin. He stayed home from church and when I got home he was looking at me weird...and he said he was still having some of the weird feelings, and he'd taken some Vicodin. And we talked about how he could never take Demerol because he freaked out on it...and maybe if he needed pain medication he should stick with the Percoset (which is codeine I think). I don't like him looking at me weird. I'm not comfortable right now. At least he's talking about it and knows he's having weird feelings.

The other thing is, it dawned on me why he got so weird last weekend when I asked him to hold me...he's only wanted that for himself when he's close to having some kind of breakdown. I think he panicked over me just wanting some comfort, like I was going crazy or something. Because...he is the one who's crazy.

I've been wondering lately just what must be going thru his mind all the time. What he hides.

It's interesting that H blames everything but the obvoius answer. This time it's the tea causing the issue and not the lack of proper meds. Not sure what to tell ya about this one.

Yup Teddy Bear analogy indeed. Patricia Evans talks about it in Controlling People (I think)

Gonna beat you up a bit here. Remember those you blame hold power over you! I get the sarcasm but in between the lines I see you saying "If you had been better parents, I wouldn't be married to this ogre of a son you raised." Let this go to be a healthier breakaway!

Just catching up and thinking about the IC and the whole big sky vs. backyard thing. IC never said you couldn't check out Montana and then return to the backyard? Also the symbolism could be applied to M. It has been in the backyard and now it is time to head towards the Big Sky. H wants you to lead him out of his misery--he just can't admit it yet, kids want you to get them to a better place, and so far it looks like you are doing it through trying to learn and understand more about you, your H and your familial relationship. Nothing happens quickly enough for us here, but look at how much better you are doing since you first arrived! I like the analogy of using a beginners mind that is referred to in the DR book. It doesn't mean going back to the beginning, but allowing yourself to be open-minded enough to consider every possibility. Open-minded enough to consider that there is more and likely something better outside the backyard.

Emotionally incapable I would think. Cancer is associated with weakness and he has to be tough, strong, better than ever guy to beat the expectations of being a failure that he feels are placed on him. How do you avoid failure? Control.

Vulnerability is something H cannot show, he is frustrated because of it, because he wants to be loved, but can't be vulnerable and to be truly loved, you have to show your partner what you are lacking, total vulnerability. So H gets the cancer diagnosis and BOOM! Instant vulnerability crisis! Cancer:Weakness; Weakness:Vulnerability PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!

BA, did H want to keep the cancer news on the down low after the initial diagnosis? If so that might've fed his need to negate all the expectations that he feels are projected onto him by those who would show sympathy to cancer-stricken H. Well wishers come with expectations, much like birthday gifts and greeting cards. I can only think H dreaded all of that sort of stuff. Or, did he 180 and become a different person altogether? If he cannot meet the expectations, he does a drastic personality change to throw off everyone's perceptions of him? He escapes himself by becoming an emotionally different person, detached from the person he was before. Either one of these something H did?

I offer it up because this is how I have handled stuff in the past. This is the part of me I would like to leave behind.

The other episode about his parents coming for dinner just seems more like "control" spew. I think what you said about reality vs. what is in his head is pretty accurate.

Did you read it and try to use this as an avenue? Turn it around and ask him about what his language might be? Or did you just cut to the recipes? It seems like he was open to it and at least tried to read it, but either he did get it and it scared him (vulnerability) so he had to dismiss it with a critical comment and remove any expectations you might have of the new "educated" H, or truly H just doesn't get it! He is trying. If this had been my W and I, I would've loved her to engage me in a convo about how to love me. Granted ours would've drifted into some sexual needs talk, but I just wanted to know I was good enough in my W's eyes.


LE

Break,

My 1st thread locked and I started a new one...

I lost everyone that used to feed me sanity!!! I had a similar but not so drastic weekend as yours.

H has been getting chest pains and anxiety attacks and it is all self-developed. He creates thoughts (worries/fears) in his head - and develops them into what-if truths.... This all turns him into an anxious mess which is then of course overflowed onto the kids.

I'm finding my strength slipping away sometimes in handling all this. It very much like I have 3 kids and the kid I married is my most demanding one.

How do you keep your strength up?