He runs to ow because she is not going to be yelling at him as she will welcome him with open arms.
When he feels down and out he will run to her.
Unfortunately that is the way it is.
I think everyone ought to leave him alone, not tell/remind him what he has/has not done because he already knows.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
OTH, I agree w/M about your h and the drinking. They do not want a "mother". The ow represents freedom and independence and she will not pass judgment on him nor point the finger. His family and you will need to find a way to stay out of his business for a while.
He's acting like a teenager and doesn't want to hear it. Rebelling is one of those famous things that they do in mlc. Your home was becoming a safe place for him at times. Now, you must step back and let things be. If he comes over or contacts you, you are going to have to act like nothing has happened. Truth be told, he not remember any of what transpired. Do not bring it up...go on as if it's business as usual.
Step back, bite your tongue (for he is a grown man), and let him crash and burn on his own. Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So if this is the phase where he goes back and goes through all the stages again before he breaks into the clearing.
.....no it s not TOH.....this is a the cycle of replay, the cycle you keep the two of you stuck in because you cant leave him alone to do his journey. I really am sorry you cant see this. You had given him a "safe " place for that week he was with you. hope fully he will not remember your call.Listen to Snodderly and MWG....they are so knowledgeable. I know you dont want to hear what I say.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
toh, other than the phone call to your H - CONGRATS to the rest of how you handled yourself for staying out of the line of fire and jeopardizing your probation. Nice.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
toh, other than the phone call to your H - CONGRATS to the rest of how you handled yourself for staying out of the line of fire and jeopardizing your probation. Nice.
sorry all, I took it one step farther. I had to. For ME. I knew he wouldn't remember much of what was said last night. So this morning I made sure he did. I packed up his coveralls and stuff and took them to his house. He was passed out on the couch. The very sight of him made me sick. Last night I heard him say "I do what ever the f&*$ I want. I HEARD him say he "wants" to hurt me. I will not let that happen any longer. I asked him why he went there. (sorry but he would not get yelled at if he came to me. He knows that. But I don't have to say anything, one look at me and it feels the same to him) He had no answer. Matter of fact he laid there on the couch with his eyes closed and said nothing.
I told my H that I love him, I believe in him, I have faith in us. But it's damb time he makes a choice. I will not let him use me and hurt me anymore. Regardless of how much I want him here, after last night there will be no more hanging out. No more overnight stays. No more sex. He needs to figure [censored] out and if he wants to talk, he knows where I am. And I left.
Before you all get started...THIS TIME I didn't do it to get a reaction out of him, I didn't do it to pursuade him, I didn't do it to make him feel guilty. I went there and said what I said from my heart. Because life like this with OW in it, with things so hurtful can not, will not go on any longer. It is NOW time to change...at least for me.
Not closing the door on my H. Not filing for D. I cant. But I will not put myself in front of his truck one more day. If he goes and files I will deal with that too. Something has to change.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
This is what everyone meant by 'yelling' at your H, giving him trouble for going to OW's.
Regardless, you have done what you done (spoken with him, gone to his house) for you. I hope that's the truth, and not just to force him into a decision. Actually HIS decision should have nothing to do with your decisions. Does that make sense? I am hoping you are understanding that since you said this:
Quote:
Not closing the door on my H. Not filing for D. I cant. But I will not put myself in front of his truck one more day. If he goes and files I will deal with that too.
But...I hope you will move on and make your life your own. I really do.
Stay away. Be still. Let him be. He needs space. He does not need a mother. He does not need someone to tell him what is right or wrong. He needs to be left alone.
Forget about OW--she is not important.
Try it for one week! Seriously.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
the next you get an urge to call or go seem come here first!!!! Some one will always be around to tell you what better choices would be.....
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
thank you the three of you. I plan on doing as you say. I hate that we have to go back to avoiding each other, no contact between us, both of angry and hurt. I hate to put an end to the "good" that has been going on between us. I am mad as hell that him feeling safe here ended once again last night. But I know that I didn't bring us back here. He did that when he chose to go to her once again.
Just as I have learned and am doing so, to stay out of the middle of D17 and him, I am getting out of the middled of H, his MLC, and OW as well. I HAVE to.
Thanks for being here with me still....
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
