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Got a strange, sort of random comment from my wife today, telling me she was getting a different "vibe" from me... No idea what she meant, but maybe it's the detachment vibe... ;->

Alex - To further your comments. I may to the LBS's stregnth to get WAS to counciling. My W can't fix herself. One of my goals has to be to get her into counciling.

Alex,

Maybe so, maybe so. I wish my H were coming around or calling at all. I have no idea if he is noticing anything with me.

That's not quite right. He must have noticed given our last meeting. Seems the result is not positive, though. I show him happy and well-adjusted and he heads for the hills. Not that I think crying and pleading would work but it sucks when resiliancy does not bring about the desired effect in H.

I know the changes are for me and that is why I have made them. And I feel better for having made them. But, I am also human, and I want my H back so it sucks that it does not seem to be working.

In the back of mind all the time is the sentence in the DR about how some marriages cannot be saved and some WAS never look back. Right now, I feel a bit like someone trying to whip a monster back into the basement just trying to keep that thought from taking over my day.

Beth

Don't mean to burst your bubble, but my wife's been in counseling, but, as she sometimes tells me what's been talked about, she's spun things in the way I described in my sitch (where she has a revisionist version of history and everything that's wrong is my fault); until, and if, she hits bottom and is willing to really work on herself, my opinion is that it's a reinforcing loop. In beoming an adept liar, and leaving one's conscience at the door, it's not surprising that they can "fool" a counselor into thinking they've done all they could and the LBS is a lost cause. She's looking for someone to support the decision she's already made and isn't sincere about wanting to look inward. Unless your wife has that mindset, I'm not convinced counselling in and of itself helps. Obviously, there are counsellors who can see right through that, but they're, IMO, and I'm probably ticking a lot of people off, few and far between. And, I don't fault them for that,don't forget our WAWs have justified and rationalized in their own minds what they are doing (and can compartmentalize to the nth degree) AND they've fooled us. It would take a counsellor quite some time to see through that IF they even knew to look for it. My wife and I did some MC, but, in retrospect, she was lying during that whole time, too, and rather convincinly so. As Beth pointed out, it ultimately has to come from within. It isn't in our control. How long we wait is up to us. That's why it always come back to working on oneself and, moreover, being true to one's self rather than relying on our spouses and/or counsellor's to fix things... Have no idea if any of that made sense...

One man's opinion...

-AlexEN

Beth,



I remember that one bothering me, too. But, if we pursue, there's no chance, right? If we're not working on ourselves (GALing, etc.), whether or not they come out of their fog, what have we gained from the process? Rhetorically, (wait that's what you guys do), we've just wasted our time... Life's too short for that.

-AlexEN

Guess I'm beginning to think "life is too short for this" too. How long do we let our spouse treat us like this. They go nuts and we get to pick up the pieces "if" they decide to come back around.

Sorry...sort of a down day.

JWM,

Once you believe (and act that way), don't just know you should believe or act that way, that it's her loss, not yours, then, I'm told, the pieces will fall into place. Let your conscience be your guide and don't get sucked into the drama or the gamesmanship. I know it's easier said than done, but it's what I'm starting to feel (sure, I slip from time-to-time, but it's the exception, not the rule now) and when I DO feel it, as Puppy reminded me, it is truly liberating.

I'm with you though -- it s*cks, but I know I will come out of this a better person. Will she? Not if the current trajectory continues...

Hang in there. That's what we're all here for...

Best to you,

AlexEN

JWM,

Sorry to hear you are having a down day. My advice, ride out the bad day and just keep moving forward. That really is our only choice.

All my musings about controlling my feelings and here I am crying after a trip to the grocery store. I HATE the grcoery store. Before our lives fell apart, I used to cook for us, all the time. And now, with the holidays coming, all I can do when I am in the stupid market is remember past holidays and meals I cooked.

Maybe this will make you chuckle, it did me. I started crying in the market because of a shallot. A shallot???? So there I am, standing there, holding a shallot, tears streaming down my cheeks and I start to chuckle at what I must look like. People must have thought I was nuts.

My point is, you are doing the right things and sometimes, no matter what you do or how much you try, there will be down times.

Just keep moving forward.

Beth

GALing should help the 'life is too short feeling'. You either have to prepair for a new person or getting your spouce back. This is the time to prepair and fix yourself. If your not prepaird, you might not be able to handle it.

Shallots always make me tear up, too...

Then again, so do onions... and, especially, lima beans.

Beth, it's sometimes the most mundane of things that tug on the heart-strings. It's what makes you human. Being "in touch" with your feelings is better than the alternative.

JWM, never beat yourself up for getting down; just try not to let "them" see it. These are tough times, if you need an outlet, keep coming here!

-AlexEN