Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Working on a friendship

Belle,

I am so happy that things are finally taking a step forward for you. I know you have been waiting for a long time. It sounds like you are doing a great job with being supportive, and remember- he needs you right now. And he isn't shutting out the possibility of trying things that are important to you (church).

I think that it is great that you are talking more. Just remember- and read from everyone elses mistakes- this is a first date! You have to rebuild your relationship from ground zero. Work on a solid foundation of friendship. Don't get pushy or start to ask questions anytime soon...

Anyway- I do think god is answering your prayers!

Thanks optimist!

I know not to be pushy and in fact, I have discussed with my therapist that I'm not ready to go there yet. He may be totally doing all of this out of friendship - for all I know he's completly done with "us", but just hasn't come out and said it. I'm not ready to hear that yet and I'm ok where I'm at.

As a friend, I feel so badly that he is going to spend Thanksgiving alone. I think I am going to make a pumpkin pie (He loves pumpkin pie) and take him half of it. (I know he doesn't want the whole thing - he's into watching his weight and health......)

So, how did the whole Thanksgiving thing go?

Any new news?

Got your flirt on lately?

Thanksgiving was fine. H came over Wed night so that I could give him his pumpkin pie. He had gone shopping that day and got a turkey, stuffing, cranberries all for himself. He asked how I knew he wanted pumpkin pie and I said "I know you love pumpkin pie" and I gave him hug/squeeze from the side. He then turned to me and said "Thank you" and gave me a good hug.

He wanted to chat up a storm but at one point he caught me looking at the clock - I had a lot to do to get ready to go out of town the next morning. Don't think this was good as this is something I did when we were together - always had something to else to do......

Then he called me on Thanksgiving morning when I was driving to wish me Happy Thanksgiving. He told me he had just talked to his Dad and had lied to him and said he was going to WI with me. (Still hasn't told his Dad he moved out) I told him lying isn't good and the truth shall set you free. I could tell he felt bad as he mumbled something about it just being another day......

He's into his school mode right now as he has some difficult tests coming up.

I have been in a weird mood the last few days. Haven't had the passion for fighting for our relationship. I called H on Friday after Thanksgiving to ask him how his dinner was. We chatted a bit. After we hung up, he called back again but I was checking out at the pet store, so I didn't answer. He didn't leave a messgage. Normally I would get all annoyed, but I didn't. And I didn't call him back to ask him what was up. And I didn't care. He called me then on Sunday to make sure I got home OK. It's just weird b/c I really feel like I am detaching more and more.

I haven't got my flirt on........

Are there any books on this??? I sure need one!

Just wanted to say I'm pretty happy tonight b/c my husband called me by my pet name that he used when we were first dating. My name is Lisa and he called me Lisey!

I know it is such a small thing but it felt good - he said it when he was saying good bye. He hasn't said it for years and it's been kind of akward because once he told me he was leaving me he started calling me Lisa instead of "babe" like he normally did. Does anyone else have that experience where it just sounds so funny for your spouse to call you by your name???

Well anyway, it's a small thing, but that's what this is about - baby steps!!

Interesting situation today.....

Yesterday when I talked to H he said he would clean the sidewalks from snow for me b/c my back is sore. I said OK. Then he calls me again at 10:30pm - I was sleeping. He left a message to let me know that he would clean the sidewalk, and not to do it - he knows I get anxious when there's something to be done. ??? Was wondering why he called again since he already told me he'd do it, and then to call so late.....

Anyway, so he had a big test today and so I called around noon to ask him how it went. He called me back around 1pm, and he was done with the shoveling. He was in a BAD mood. Didn't do well on his test. This is the class he failed last trimester. He proceeded to (almost) yell and b1tch and complain how the teacher sucks and he's going to tell him off. He said he's going to be a big d1ck from now on, because being a nice guy gets him nowhere.

On and on and on.

I just listen and kind of laugh and tell him "You know that's not true, being a d1ck isn't going to get you anywhere"

So he told me he doesn't want to talk anymore so he's going to be a d1ck and hang up. I say ok, bye and hang up.

I went back to stressing about my laser eye surgery b/c they told me today i have dry eyes.....

So then I get home and there is a note on the kitchen counter - "Sorry I was grumpy today. Do you have an extra phone? If you do can you leave it on the counter - I will get it tomorrow. Mine broke. Love, H"

Broke?

Ha!

More like you had a temper tantrum like the 5 year old you're acting like and destroyed it?????

So then I tried to call him. As I was going to leave a message, that little devil on my shoulder told me to check his voicemail. (I know the code). So there was 3 messages from OW around 2:30pm, evidently she hung up on him. "Sorry I hung up on you but I was tired of your bad attitude and tired of being screamed at and you need an attitude check."

And then "Please pick up your phone, I'm worried about you"

And then "I was wondering if you were coming over here, if you're not I'm coming over there."

My guess is that he was on the phone with her and got so angry when she hung up on him that he threw the phone and broke it.

Since I still don't know what the heck is going on with them, I don't like the fact that it sounds like they study together a lot. (From some other things she said)

I'm not living in denial, there's probably a lot that's gone on that I would shudder over. I guess I just hoped that things had cooled off somewhat with them.

I think I played it pretty well, I don't think he likes someone to argue back, just to listen to him rant and rave.

This whole situation makes me glad that he is not in this house. 2 more years of this (school)??? How dreadful.

My life has been pretty peaceful since he left.......

It's a weird thing when you feel like life is looking better without him. It's not like this is an isolated incident. This attitude of his has been so ugly lately......

I told him that counseling may help him with it, but he quit going....

Had a restless night last night.

Tossing and turning over H and his "relationship" with OW.

Makes me so angry, and makes me feel sooooooo disrespected.

I know forgiveness is best for me, but how do you forgive when the disrespect is still going on.

In my tossing and turning, mulled over the fact that I don't know how I feel about taking H back. (If he ever wanted to come back)

Started crying when I thought about them having sex. Don't know if it's happened. Perhaps I am making a mountain out of a moehill but I began to wonder how I would feel if I knew they had. How could I ever be with him again. How awful.

I'm going to go and say some prayers to ask God to help me deal with this.

Hi Belle,

I am so sorry that you have to have these awful thoughts. I do know how you feel- picturing your H with someone else. I don't have any solution. My sitch is all over the place!

Did you ever do the DB coaching? If you haven't I really really recommend that you do! Jody has helped me with my feelings and actions more than I can every say. She may help give you a better direction of what YOU need to do to help yourself (in respects to life and your marriage). Especially now that you are having more contact with H. This is where things have the potential to change quickly...

I think I DO know where I would be if I hadn't had my first session with her in July- and it wouldn't include my H.

Consider it- as the best present you can give yourself.

Thanks for your inupt, optimist.

I'm really struggling with the idea of DB coach. I'm trying to put into words why, but I just can't seem to...

I hate to be a downer, but how can anyone ever trust their WAH/W who had an EA or PA again?

I don't want to live my whole life wondering if my H is starting EA's....

I don't need that...

I do know that if I marry someone else, there's always the potential for it.

But I totally see my H as the someone who this may happen to again. He likes "fire" in his life, as he puts it. "I will not stay married just to stay married if I'm not happy." In his family, marriages are disposable. (It's not really a marriage b/c it's not really a commitment. Just get out when you're not happy!)

I wish I would have thought about this more before we married.

But hindsight is 20/20, of course.

So my struggle is, I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on something/someone that I'm not even sure is what I want. Some days I want him back is, some days I feel I'm better off without him.

Is there anyone out there that feels that way????

Anyone?

OR is everyone just "full steam ahead, save my marriage!"

Struggling today, sorry to vent......

I do appreciate your advice, optimist.

I'm glad that your sitch is going so well, you deserve it with all of your hard work!

Oh Belle,

I think we all feel that there are days we would be 'better' starting over again. When you question it all. And then there are days where the silliest things make your heart sing and you know that you aren't ready to give up yet.

The DB coaches aren't there to push you to save your marriage, but to help give you the tools to help yourself. And even if you decide you don't want to end up with your H, I think that you could benefit from learning why this R 'went bad'.

I still believe that if you did a few sessions, that you would feel better in your heart with what ever decidions you make....