Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis God grant me the patience and the strength...9

Thank you Creed, thanks for the support and the input.

My choice in this Creed is not that I want my "old life" back with my H. I want a "New life" with my H. I want things to be different as much as he does. I want what comes next. I'm hanging on for that, not what was.

Like I've told H. He says he wants things to be different and yet he still does the same, he needs to DO something different, as do I. The only thing different in H's life since he left is that he lives there and I live here. I'm working on those things, waiting to see if H will too.

And no I WILL NOT walk on eggshells the rest of my life. I have started sweeping them out of my way as we speak. I've recently thought long and hard on this and if H were to come back the way things are then they will not last and don't want to go through it all again. I have to be ME. I cannot play act and expect things to go well. I have realized lately that I do alot of protecting of my H. Have since the beginning. I keep the kids quiet so he can sleep. I referee between them to keep peace. I keep the dogs behaving in order to not tick H off. Etc.. It's ridiculous and I never really seen it till now. From yesterday forward it stops now. I am not his protector, nor his mother, and it's time he grows up.

Before MLC I honestly had everything I ever hoped and dreamed of. Well there is a couple of things, but pretty unrealistic. There is nothing else out there that I want. I honestly love my life. Just hate where it is at today. But have hopes for the future. My passion is painting/crafting. But in my sitch right now, it has fallen to the wayside. I dont' have the ambition right now to do it. I get them out time to time and try to get into it again, but it doesn't last.

Have a great day everyone!
TOH

Good morning, well morning here. Having freezing rain and supposed to change over to snow and get up to 4 inches. Yuk! The thought of staying home, making candy and doing christmas stuff is pretty tempting...

H has been staying here again. We had a discussion Sat am. He came sat. night and has been here every since...

Got my shopping done sat morning hurray! Don't know if I'll do cards this year. I used to write "the letter" every year and send cards to EVERYONE. Not much to write about these days and it's gotten so expensive. Haven't really decided if I'll do them or not? Still waiting on the girls to help me get the tree up. Maybe today if I stay home.

Have a good day!
TOH

Morning all.

I went to work yesterday. On my way in I'm thinking I'm either really dumb or really broke to be doing this. I think a little of both. It was slow going but I made it. H called me twice to let me know how the roads were, and to make sure I made it.

On my way home I damb near ditched my car at the end of our road. I was sliding for the ditch and there wasn't a damb thing I could do about it. Whew!! H hayed cows and doesn't have chains on the tractor. He ended up sliding down a hill sideways, but managed to pull out of it. What a day!

People my H kissed me (all on his own) for the first time in a very very long time last night. Otherwise things are pretty much the same. He is still staying here. Been sleeping on the couch. Last night he really seemed as though he was going to go back to his place but after haying cows he decided to stay. It's good to have him here, but not if he doesnt want to be. Whatever. I am going about my business, I'm not asking questions, we are just sharing the same house for the time being. One day at a time...

Okay,
Have you all throw up your hands and left me? I guess I understand if you have. But I wish there was someone out there that could see H and I are really in a new phase and could help me get through this...could really use some encouragement and input.

I am pushing to get into the Christmas spirit. Got my villages up last night. N14 helped me. It was a necessity to keep busy as H left for his place again last night. I didn't say much this time. He didn't take anything with him. Just said he needed to get his mail and would stay there tonight.

Although I think I believe him that OW is gone from his life...BUT I cannot deny that there's a thought in my head as to is it just a coincidence that he goes home on the nights that she is off work. Is he spending them nights alone or is she there...trying to trust him, and damb hard...

We had a good 1/2 week together. H seems more in tune to me and the girls. Doesn't seem like he has to "try" to be here. But he's still not talking, bad problem. But I am letting him alone and doing my own thing. Being me now, I have to be.

Have a good Friday friends, and a better weekend.
TOH

Is that a yes?...

Last night there was amature NFC in town. H's nephew fought. The whole family was going. I decided to stay home. H was needing some time alone. I thought staying away from him last night with the moon, the chance of going there and he'd ignore me, just was a better idea to stay away. So cuddled up on the couch with my dogs and watched TV.

D17 went. And the night turned out bad for her. Her dad got really druck I guess. At the fights I guess D17 arm restled. (you sign up to do this during intermission) She lost. Her dad said "your not a ^*$*@+ anymore (our last name)" It ticked her off, she went to walk away and he grabbed her and said he was kidding. She just walked away. Afterwards I guess they all went up town.

Shortly after H left home there was rumor that H had been with this Brandy girl that he worked with. (I don't think it was true) D17 knew this. Well she was there last night. Brandy stood by H at the bar and they were talking. The longer it went on the more D17 was ticked. She finally went up to H and asked him what he was doing. He said nothing and she didn't believe him. She assumed that there was something going on between them. H got mad and D17 was upset too. H eventually left. D went out to see if he'd let her drive him home. He got mad at her for that too. A few words were exchanged, D17 ended up crying and came home. H went up to his moms and passed out and didn't drive.

Wow, glad I wasn't there. D17 came home crying and said she hates her dad. I hurt for her. I grew up with a kind and gentle father but when he was drunk he could say the most hurtful things so I could really understand her pain. I tried to talk to her. I didn't make exuses for him but tried to get her to see to seperate the man from the behaviour. She wasn't having any of it. He hurt her and that was that.

My question is do I stay out of this? Or do I talk to H? I can guarantee that he won't remember half of it.

Stay out of it. He most likely will not remember much of what took place if he was that drunk.

Your h needs to go back to his "place" or should I say "cave" for some alone time. They need their own space and when it gets to be too much around us, they retreat for a bit. As for the ow, you are giving her far, far too much head space. Put the focus back on you and your children, and let God have this little matter.

Continue decorating and baking for the holidays. These are things that you can control. Unfortunately, no one can control your h except himself and the good man upstairs.

Thanks for posting Snodderly. Your such a wise woman.

I think your right, it is just that as a mother my first instict is to confront and defend.

I know your right about the alone time, just hard to do. But I am doing it.

As for OW...I don't want to have a thought about her anymore. I think I believe him that she is gone. But he has not done one thing to "prove" to me that this is true. It has just been words from him. Things have changed but he has lied to me sooooo many times before, I keep asking myself how do I really know this time? How do I know that he is telling the truth this time? How is it any different than before? Am I being a fool to believe him?

And IF she is still here, it makes it that much harder to leave him be. Does that make sense? If I KNOW that there is no one else it is easier to leave him alone. If there is OW it's not right.

Yes I am working everyday to make the best of things for me and the girls. Some it is forced but it has to be right now. All we really have is today and I don't want any regrets. N14 and I worked on putting up my villages the other night. It was fun. She told me that when she gets out on her own and goes broke because she bought all this village stuff too, she will call me. She's hooked. Hopefully the girls will be home long enough this weekend to get our tree up. The rest of the time I plan on doing some baking, maybe even crafting some gifts for the girls at work.

Thanks again, Snodderly please check back with me again, I can really use your expertice.
TOH

I have to agree with Snodderly. Don't say anything. If you did, he would think you were checking up on him/meddling and you don't want that.

Let him stew for awhile as I am sure he is feeling lousy today.

H was feeling so lousy that he ended up having a repeat night from over a year ago. He went to BIL's got really drunk. His brother ended up going home and got into it with his wife and getting OWI. H's sister chewed them all out for screwing up their lives and choosing alcohol over their families. H took it personal and yelled back. End of the night he headed (very drunk) right to OW's house. I seen him go by on the highway and called him. He'll do what ever the F*#$ he wants to do. He doesn't care. Do I hear him? He doesn't care. Maybe he cares for her. Probabaly not, but maybe he does. I told him I am done. Get your damb divorce. Do not call me. Do not come here anymore. There is no more "friendship". It is over. Get it done.

So if this is the phase where he goes back and goes through all the stages again before he breaks into the clearing. I probably blew it all out of the water. But my heart cannot take being used any longer. I say this all today. Knowing that I am hurt and angry and it is easier to say. Knowing that there's a good chance that it will all smooth over in a day or a week. I pray that this time I can stick to it in order for SOMETHING to change. It has to.