What I was referring to with regard to probation is that if you step out of line just a teeny bit, they will throw you in jail! It is that simple. Be careful.
What comes around goes around--well, yes, but who is to say that one human should use violence to prove a point? It is not up to you to cause harm but hopefully you have learned from it.
I think having some dignity and showing some class will get you further in life.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Yes I do, but I have to do this my own way. I am the one living it. I don't know how I would be getting through this with out everyone on here. I am so thankful for everyone.
I use this board to read and learn. I come here to vent all the bad stuff I am feeling. I use it to stop me from doing things that are bad DB. When I slip I come here to put it out there and start over again. I come here for strength and courage, for support.
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You have got to find a way to put your foot down and set some boundaries. I know it's not always easy; but, you might get surprised.
I am trying so hard to figure out a way to do this. I am telling myself that at this point, what have I got to lose. Thank you for your input and advice TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
No denial here. No colored glasses. I am fully aware of my sitch and all that is going on. And as far as respecting myself, I do respect myself, that's why this hurts so bad. I have swallowed my pride way to many times over the course of this MLC. But it comes down to what I REALLY want out of my life. And nothing comes easy and "to get what you never had, sometimes you have to do things you've never done".
Why would her H have respect for her? Because I NEVER gave up on him or our M. Because regardless of it all, I didn't quit.
As Bworl said you need to ‘set him free’; preferably, at speed, from tip of your boot. Working on that
He is having his cake and eating it, time to let him know the party is over.. and that too
Thanks Nutty
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Mwg, Trust me I am totally aware of the guidelines of probation. And they couldn't have kept me more in those lines if they'd have chained me to them. Again I WILL NOT go to jail again.
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but who is to say that one human should use violence to prove a point? It is not up to you to cause harm but hopefully you have learned from it.
This is a tough one for me to put here and someone to understand. I grew up this way MWG. My whole family is a bunch of "take sh*t off no one" people. When I was 15 my mom found out I was smoking with my best freind. She called her mom. That friend caught me off gaurd and beat the crap out of me. I didn't fight back because she was my friend (so I thought). When I got home my mom beat the crap out of me for not fighting back. Does that tell you anything. I went through life though using my mouth. I, like them, never took crap, but I avoided fighting. But this time was different. She hurt me and my girls more than anyone ever could. I HAD to fight back. Can you understand? I HAD to. I didn't do it to prove a point to anyone. And Yes I learned a very hard lesson. It will not happen ever again.
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I think having some dignity and showing some class will get you further in life.
I agree with you 100% and how I've always lived my life. Up until this.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
MWG, to add to the dignity thing. The first time OW slept with my H I was of course furious and broken. EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE that knows me thought that I would go after her. She was very scared of me and continued to be so for many years after. I did nothing. I dealt with H and never had a second thought about her. Probably would have been the same way this time if it would have been different.
If they wouldn't have taunted me, rubbed it in my face, tried to make me feel like I was crazy by hiding from me and then letting me catch them, if she wouldn't have told me "I'm 42 years old and can do what I want" the very first time I caught them. If they would have just admitted to what they were doing. If H would have just gotten a D and she would have left him alone till then. If she wouldn't have repeatedly called me every filthy name in the book. (I never did call her a name)
What I'm trying to say is that sooooo many things led up to the assault. So many things that could have been avoided.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
It was NOT my intention to run an2m off your thread. I think her advice to you is often spot on. To me, things were getting heated and words were being used not to help but to hurt. I don't think any of us need to do that.
To an2m, we have been on this board for just about the same amount of time and, along with many of our friends, have lifted up and supported each other through many a load of crap. I was not trying to get you to leave or to stop posting. TOH needs ALL the advice she can get, from as many people as will take the time to offer it. If you leave, she is the one who will suffer, and I would hate to see that happen.
To TOH, it's long past time to take the great gobs of advice that people have shared with you, and finally formulate a plan beyond seeing what tomorrow brings.
Part of the reason that you cycle so much is that you do NOT have a plan of any kind. You get fired up on a particular day on a particular topic, and it goes away when your husband changes something. I think it's because there is no commitment behind any "plan" that you make.
This DB'ing is NOT flying by the seat of your pants. That is the path to frustration, disappointment, and sadness.
There are many approaches you can take with your husband. Everything from being his friend and loving him unconditionally, to going as dark as you can on him and telling him it's for YOUR emotional well being. Find something you can live with, set the plan firmly in your mind, commit yourself to following it for a period of time (weeks or a month or so), and then CARRY IT OUT.
YOU have to change the dynamics here. And at this point I would say that you should be changing the dynamics in a way that will bring YOU relief and peace, regardless of how it impacts your husband or the relationship between the two of you.
It's well past time. You are NOT a newbie here. You cannot go day after day, week after week, allowing yourself to vascillate and flounder and chalk it up to all of this being so new and so raw. Yes, it hurts like heck. Yes, you are crushed inside. But you are NOT broken.
If you were a man, I would be telling you to MAN UP. I'm not sure what the equivalent comment is to a woman.
Whatever it is......that's what you need to do.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I think they say "put your big girl panties on". Thanks Bill,
Regardless of all this crap back and forth here this last week. I am doing what youv'e all been telling me to do. I have made it a week with no phone calls to my H. I really don't want to talk to him. He called me the other day to tell me something about money. He left a VM and I never called him back. He did stop Wed and Thurs after work. I was cordial but pretty much did my own thing. All he wanted was to talk about himself anyway and I'm sick of hearing it.
It's like my H went back to where he was a year ago at Christmas time. Damb him! But this time, I'm not going with him. I am moving forward. No more going back. If that means losing my H for good, then that's the way it has to be.
He was here yesterday while I was at work. Good thing he was gone by the time I got home. Him and BIL put a wood burner in the machine shed. I am pretty ticked about it. WTF?!?! He doesn't live here anymore. Make up your freakin mind already!
I have spent my week just hanging out at home. Working on projects that have needed done. Some decorating, some repairs, some Christmas stuff. The rest of the time I've spent hanging out with the girls. Waiting for them to have time to help me put the tree up this year. I've always done it myself. This year when they are ready we will. Depending on the weather I am going to maybe go shopping today so I can get that over with. Won't take me too long as we are completely broke.
As for my plan Bill, I am afraid to say it because every time I do I don't stick to it. But here goes...
I will not call my H other than for IMPORTANT business.
I am not asking anything from him. I will not ask how he is. What he is doing. Where he is at. What are his plans.
I will not go to where he is.
When he is here he will have to come to me to talk, I have other things to do.
If I have plans (very rare) and he shows up. I'm going anyway.
I will not ask about OW again, I don't believe him anyway.
If my H asks me for sex, "no sex is better than feeling like a whore afterwards". I need more or it ain't happening.
Any other ideas?...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I've seen remarkable progress from where you started.
But as you know yourself, there is a long way to go yet, and many of the posters have pointed out what you already know. As much as we want to see you get to where you need to be, we can't jump through the screen and help/guide you. It will have to be decisions and choices that you make happen on your own.
I want you to think about something though. You say it is your choice that you want your life with H back. It is you that says although you're sick and tired of it all by now, you'd hang on to get back what you thought you once had.
TOH, do you, if your H came back fulltime, feel that you could walk on eggshells for the rest of your life? Could you always keep bottled up your emotions in hopes of preventing him from going off the deep end again? Could you still find TOHs own life if you were putting all of your effort into TOHs and Hs life?
Use this time to grow yourself. Use this time to expand your world, your dreams and goals. What have you put aside all these years to take care of your family? What dreams did you have as a young girl? What is the thing you have the greatest passion for (and no, you can't use mother/wife/famiy)
No one here can tell you that what you're doing will work/not work in your situation. But we can tell you that you do NOT want to walk on eggshells the rest of your life, trying to second guess his every move/mood, etc. So make those changes in your life now. They can only improve your life...and if your H comes home for good, he will find someone that is new a 'challenge', and that could make for some very nice fireworks.
Yes, right now he is a cake-eater. Disgustingly so...but that doesn't mean that you have to stand by and watch him do it.
It's time you do a 180, and start hinting to him you like cake too!
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible