Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Indulging my stylish side....

Sage,

Please allow me to hijack here to let lostlove know that her thread has been locked, and that I've posted to her on my thread. Thanks.

Brian

Excellent Sage ...would you have dreamed of just asking that and getting such a response "back in the day"?

Your sitch is kind of pertinent right now as CJ has an ear infection (he thinks, seeing doc tomorrow). I'm not all that "mothering", but then neither is he when I'm ill.

But I did make a point of asking if I could get him some water or anything as he was facing away, lying on the couch. He mumbled "no". I said, "how about if I kiss it better?" He said "Okay" ...so I did.

Although he now says the OTHER ear is feeling better, I WILL NOT take it personally!

Shiny

Quoting Sage:
"My H. has been telling me this all along -- that I never seemed happy (and how could I be? Wasn't something terrible going to happen?); that he couldn't live up to my expectations"

my H said this exact thing to me too. Many times!! What does it mean? That I was unhappy? expected too much? didnt speak his love language? Or is / was it an excuse to pursue the OW? How did you answer this Sage?
I would like to know more about your earlier sitch- good synopsis someplace?

Also, the teamwork of you and your H doing yard work- we did that last weekend. It DID feel great! More of that is good therapy for us too!

Shay

Quoting Shay5:

---

my H said this exact thing to me too. Many times!! What does it mean? That I was unhappy? expected too much? didnt speak his love language? Or is / was it an excuse to pursue the OW? How did you answer this Sage?
I would like to know more about your earlier sitch- good synopsis someplace?

---

Hi Shay --

My first thread here in Piecing has an OK synopsis of my sitch:

Sage's first Piecing Thread

As for "being happy" and what it means...

In MY sitch, my not being happy was about a couple of different things...in the background was the feeling that I've "always" had that my h was going to cheat on me and leave me....this has all kinds of tentacles back into my childhood and my own crappy thought process, etc, etc, but I think that my attitude towards my marriage was clouded by this overwhelming feeling that I was doomed to start (or, that we were).

The second aspect was more in the foreground....fact is, I was angry A LOT of the time...well, angry and worried. This had a few different elements to it...one was the feeling that h wasn't pulling his weight in the r, wasn't grown up enough, wasn't doing things the way that I wanted them done...therefore, whatever he was doing didn't count. The second was this worry aspect -- I did a pretty lousy job of not freaking out over just about everything...money, the future, the past, whatever.

So how did I solve these elements conspiring to make me miserable? Well, the background/childhood stuff I've been working on in C. The worrying about little things I've attacked in a bunch of different ways...meditation, mindfulness, present moment stuff...also, not to be glib but many of my "day to day issues" became trivial when I found out that h was having an affair and wanted a divorce! And, as for my expectations re. h, well, DB'ing has really helped me shut up, drop the rope, look at the positives...what I realized fairly quickly was that my h HAD BEEN doing things but I hadn't been paying attention to them...and, the more critical I got, the less he did...no kidding.

I also have to say that the Mars/Venus book was a true eye opener in that regard...how I'd been doing a cruddy job of appreciating h and his gifts.

It DOES tie into the LL stuff...I'd been looking for things in MY LL and missing all the stuff that he was doing!

I guess, in closing, the biggest change I've tried to make is to accept the fact that my h. is not under my control...that dropping expectations and ASSumptions, dropping the notion of SHOULD when it comes to him (he should be doing this, etc) that combined with appreciation and gratitude for his presence in my life...well, that's been a winning combo.

Sage

Hi Sage,

I was never good at the comforting or figuring out the right thing to do for someone who is sick.
David is very good at that, but I have started listening when he talks about being sick a lot more now and sympathising with him more.

And so how do you stop ASSuming? Just whatever different technique works when you realize you are doing it?

Hope you are doing well and your H is feeling better.

I'm totally copying Shiny here but there's no way I'm leaving off this total gem from LL...I NEED to be able to reread this on my thread...

Quoting ll:

---

for the betraying partner the "healing" process is easier or faster because they actually on some level have been dealing with it since the begining of deceit..now that it's out and done with they can move on. we on the other hand are new to the info and therefore take longer to process it. imagine if you will a time in the future when you no longer even think about this time...when the a is not something that even passes your thoughts...then all of a sudden w starts to want to talk about it...wants to appologize all the time...or let you know when she get's upset with things that remind her of what she did. how would that make you feel? would you not wish that she would just get over it and put it in the past. I know it's hard to fathom a time when we won't want to hear our spouses say sorry and show empathy and remourse for what they've done...but I'd bet it could and probably would happen that way.

---

Sage

Quoting psluke:

---

And so how do you stop ASSuming? Just whatever different technique works when you realize you are doing it?

---

Pam -- It goes back to the questions you have to ask yourself...when a thought leaps into your head...ask yourself "is this true? or am I ASSuming something?" MHO is that ASSuming occurs more often then not. Then, tell yourself to STOP! Talk back to that ASSuming voice in your head!

Sage

Sage,

The last three posts are great. Since I am at work I have cut and paste them into a word document to print out and read later. A lot of how you described yourself in your relationship are similar to how I was. It has forced me to take a really good look at myself through lots of reading, meditation and soul searching, also. H was trying all along to do nice things for me, I just didn't see them or recognize them either or hear him say many times "I'm not happy."

Cathy

sage,

Glad to see you continuing to do so well in your personal growth.

Would you mind visiting my thread "Letting Go the Rope.." and giving me any wise counsel or encouragement - or if you know knowledgeispower (a WAW who came back) and can send her too for her perspective, that'd be great.

Sorry for the interruption. I'm still following you.

Hud

Hey all,

Wasn't online much yesterday...I took the day off from work.

I've got some catching up to do...jethro's thread and LLs in particular!

Had a good day yesterday...I took the day off because I've been having a terrible toothache and I had to go to the dentist. Yuck. I wasn't sure if they were going to do something PAINFUL so I decided not to go back to work.

The tooth still hurts like hell but no drills were involved! Turns out that I "stressed" the tooth while grinding my teeth...it won't need intervention (drilling, root canal) but it does need to heal. They said that will take a few weeks.

Some positives from yesterday (yesterday was one of those days when it was hard to keep track of all the good stuff! There was SO much!)

1. H came to the dentist with me. This was wonderful. He offered...totally surprising to me since it was most definitely a first...

2. He said a ton of loving comments "I'm glad to be spending the day with you", "I'm crazy about you", etc. Hey...right into my LL bucket!

3. He read me a bunch of stories from a book he was reading. There is something VERY sexy about my h. reading to me..Oh, wait, he also read me some of his homework and we talked about it together. I'm really excited that he's started school next week and looking forward to him reading me more stuff! I think that will be a GREAT way for us to stay connected.

Not sure what's up for the weekend. I'm thinking it's gonna be a GOOD one, tho!

Starting next week, my brilliant husband is starting law school!

Sage