Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives *Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr

Or, more briefly — YES, she is being a selfish creep, they BOTH are. If STBX has a chance of being a decent father, then she has a chance of being a decent step-mother. (Though in this case, I gotta say I'd be surprised if it lasts long enough for them to get married.)

Cat I hear you on the OW/step mother issue. I've been through similar issues myself but OT is right you have got to let it go. When I first came her my focus was solely on OW and what she was doing to my family. She did meet H after he left (although it was cutting it very fine!) and so I have to accept that she didn't cause the breakdown of my M. She certainly hasn't helped what has gone on since and I have hard evidence to prove that she has indeed made sure that things have got pretty heated at times. She once told my S16s GF that she felt guilty about splitting up our family BUT clearly not that guilty to walk away and find someone who was more free to be in a R.

Let the OW go today (and anyone like her that might appear in the future to also get an equally large engagement ring - I've been there too with Hs OW). She is not worthy of your thoughts. IF she steps out of line completely with your kids THEY will tell you and THEN you can take appropriate action BUT bossing them about is not one of those things that needs drastic action. She is a mum herself and what you don't know is if this is simply the way she has learnt to parent (don't get me wrong I'm not defending her just looking at it from a different angle). Let's face it I'm sure there have been times when all our children have complained about us 'bossing them about' I know my children certainly have but it doesn't make us bad people. In my case the one thing I WON'T stand is when OW raises her voice to my kids and I have tackled both her and H on this and as far as I know it hasn't happened again.

On the counselling issue. Does S10 want to go to counselling? If he doesn't you are on a hiding to nothing as there will be no achievement made (just like when you went to MC and your H didn't really want to be there). You can be his confidante, you can be the one to give him all the love he needs, you may just be enough to calm the storm that is obviously raging in his little head right now.

Take care.

Cat, I have a bit of a different twist. My kids (all girls) were a bit older when going through all of this a long time ago and I DID fight the custody issues and hard. I'll tell you why. It has NOTHING to do with jealousy or revenge issues. It had everything to do with raising kids at a certain age. My two youngest were 14 and 16 at the time their dad starting shacking up with a drug addict who called herself a PayPal whore. They were in a one-bed apartment and my ex was fighting me for co-custody, meaning they were to live with him part time.

I countered to his proposed agreement that he had to be in at least a two bed place, did not have the OW present, and if need be, provide transportation for the kids to their high school (he lived in different district), and pay any tuition necessary as per Ohio law if required because the school would argue whether or not their primary residence was in the town I was living in.

Some people thought I was being cruel or jealous or vengeful. Nope. Realities of the situation. I ended up being awarded full custody. Told the kids they were free to drive over there at any time by themselves (the 16YO had her DL by then, and the two older out of my 4 could drive too). Only stipulation was no overnights and my kids were good with that...they didn't like the OW's drama laden life either. Life sucked enough for them trying to adjust without having to possibly change high schools at that time and learning to cope without living with their dad and mom together.

Don't think for a minute that something in your gut is telling you this situation could be a less than good situation for your kids. If your gut is telling you something, then listen to it. This woman does sound like a piece of work. Your kids have enough to adjust to with a divorce let alone living in a soap opera like that trying to adjust.

Sometimes I do think we bend over too much in the thought that perhaps we are being revengeful or jealous. If not fighting the custody arrangements will only make you feel more resentful because you see your kids are not doing as well as you think they can, then I say do try to change those arrangements and fight it. Listen to your heart and think it out. I'm just trying to provide a different perspective for you. I was and am very happy I did fight my ex wanting "co-custody." It was a crock o'crap in my view. Someone needs to be a strong advocate for their minor children...that someone should be a strong, loving, wise parent.

Criminy keyz, a drug-addict whore in bed with their father in the same room with two teenage girls!!!! You definitely did the right thing there — glad that the courts backed you.

Couldn't agree more. It just shows how every sitch is similar but very very different.

yes, true, it stung when I heard and learned of his new life with gf, him carrying as if his behavior didnt' affect the kids, it took me aback and it is something I 'm fighting hard to not care about.

I was even taken back to the past year and a half and wonder if I would've done something different perhaps this wouldn't have happen, trying to pin point where he went off the deep end.I see now that that is futile, dont' matter and only God knows who/what/where he lost his way, he is his own person and he choose to do what he did.

I dont' want to know more about that woman, I'm trying to now see her as a mother and hope that she treats my kids right, she'll obviously treat her kids better and there will be small injustices, but as long as she isn't a crack ho nor beating my kids I guess I just have to accept the fact she is going to be there for however long this crazy R of his lasts. I was surprised yesterday when stbx left the kids clothes to find out half of them where actually washed and nicely folded (of course it had to be her, he would've never thought doint that). I tried to see that as a positive point. Yes OT, it is not her fault stbx has no spine nor brain, though I'm pretty sure she's got her meal ticket since she barely works and doesn't have a car.

Whatever, it's his life. I'm still amazed at the hurt stbx has brought onto the children, I do hold him fully responsible for my son's anguish -- he sobbed last night in my bed telling me he sees nothing good in his dad and does not want to go back. I did tell him that when he is older he could choose where to stay but he said he didnt' want to leave his sister behind and would stay for her. My son has a heart of gold, that stupid man doesn't deserve such a good boy.


thank heavens he does, he even told me he was thinking of talking to a school counselor, I tried to explained him last night that hopefully his dad will understand him a bit better and things would be better for him, he sort of nodded yes to that.

Keyz, what a horrible situation, I'm glad they let you have your children. My son tells me everything (no, I dont' grill and actually rather not know what stbx and gf are up to). But I suspect there is any kind of abuse I'll be at the lawyers the next day.

Cat,

My point was not the fact I dealt with a moron and I didn't meant to make it sound that way. Rather it was you can choose to fight the custody and not feel an ounce of remorse due to "jealousy." You may have more options here than you may realize.

I'm not completely familiar with your sitch. But if your son is really unhappy about the situation, that should be telling you something. Your STBX sounds like a real dipwad and he's not making intelligent life choices right now. While his current GF may not be a "bad person" in that she isn't a crack ho, it does sound like she too may be the type to go from man to man just to have her meal ticket, too. She may not be all that great of a mom and their home environment will be very chaotic if her children move in and they have such a new R. She probably washed and folded the clothes just to make herself look good. I'd take that for what it is. A simple task and be grateful for that. Still you do need to look at the whole picture.

Yes, their behavior DOES affect the children. And if you believe you can provide a better, more stable environment than the one your STBX is in, then I would say you should fight the custody arrangements without fear of feeling you are doing it out of a false motive. Remember too custody and visitation are usually two different things in most states. Custody here in Ohio usually means refers to the parent who basically provides the "legal residence" of the children and is their primary guardian and who provides most of their physical and financial needs...I may not be explaining this right cause I'm not a lawyer but you can check with your L. Not having custody wouldn't remove your STBX's rights to his children or his rights as a parent. You can still have a visitation schedule. This may be a way to circumvent or minimize your STBX's GF's parenting...

Just some thoughts. I realize each state is different and each situation is different. Trying to figure out if you could have done something different is useless...it's just an exercise in frustration for you. Like I said, I just wanted to provide an alternative possible viewpoint for you, so that you didn't feel as if you had to avoid pursuing custody out of a false sense of "jealousy" or a false motive. I do believe you have to put the children's needs and desires first and what you feel you are most comfortable with while raising young children--in ways that are most consistent with YOUR morals and YOUR ethics. Looking back when your kids are grown, you will feel much better if you took the road YOU most desired in your heart concerning your children. I got some of the same advice as you with my ex when it concerned custody--my ex actually WAS a good dad before PayPal ho and when he wasn't around her. However, I objected to the woman's lifestyle myself and my ex's midlife addiction lifestyle. Unfortunately, no matter how you do slice it, kids ARE affected and do come into the middle of some divorce issues. How you handle that is what makes the difference. I was thoroughly happy to do what I did, no matter how hard I had to fight my own internal feelings and defend myself against others who felt I was "keeping my kids" from my ex out of some jealousy or revenge thing.

Your sitch doesn't sound half as strange as mine was. Still, the whole GF/R drama our WAS can go through is unnerving to kids. A lot of WAS get involved with very emotionally unstable people and get a lot of drama sucked into their lives. The kids get into the middle of that too!! I cringe when I see young kids in the middle of that stuff.

Great advice keyz. I think the keyz (heh heh) are to (1) Always try to get what you think is the best legal arrangement possible for the kids and (2) stick to the legal arrangement.

In general, I think it is an LBS tries to work outside the legal arrangement to control a parent who disagrees with what the LBS wants that has a very high chance of backfiring in big bad ways.

Best case, a WAS is going to co-parent effectively with a LBS only insofar as it matches their own agenda. (And vice versa BTW.) The space for effective co-parenting is thus in the best case limited to shared agendas. In the worst case, the WAS shuts down co-parenting efforts altogether in reaction to the LBS not respecting boundaries and trying to control their choices (even if they have darn good reason for wanting the WAS to behave differently).

I'm done trying to "reason" with stbx, in retrospect it was futile, it was like expecting he'd stop cheating and understand that love wasnt' a feeling but a choice. I wont anymore, that man refuses to understand why s10 feels the way he feels, to him it's no biggie at all and that there is no reason why s10 should feel bad ( about gf moving in, her kids too). As long as he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong he can give himself full license to foolishness.

I just realized that as yesterday I mentioned to him that last week I suggested to have an extra sunday with kids so that they would have somewhat of a transition when her kids come to live with them, that it could help all 4 kids get along better. His answer? our kids dont' have to talk to her kids.

I told him how s10 feels those kids are strangers and he is dreading that, and he says "well, once those kids come here and he meets them they wont' be strangers anymore"...

Unbelievable...

I know I know OT, let him be and stop telling him how handle his household. I guess I just can' comprehend how someone can be so stupid.

I am in VA also. I had it written into our custody and visitation agreement that there would be no non-family members of the opposite sex overnight. We actually had a showdown over it in the gurdian ad-litem's office because X was quibbling over the hours that defined overnight and was willing to go to court over 30 minutes extra with his OW. He got around it by marrying her 14 days after the divorce. Apparently 8 nights a month without her was too much for him to bear.