I think 5 nights every two weeks is too much (eg, too much time for the kids to spend with me) and I only agreed to that in mediation in a useless attempt to settle this out of court. I will fight in court if necessary to prevent you from being with the children so much. You have been abusive to me and you have been abusive to them. ...I know you love your children, I know they love you, I know that you desire to be with them and I also know that living in an abusive environment is not the best thing for me or them. That's why I left you and that's why I will do what I can to prevent you from having too much time with them. You don't have the patience nor empathy to be a good parent without resorting to abusive behaviors to get your way with them.
Sorry this went sideways on you Sir. Keep fighting for your kids!
SirPrize, I'm so glad you are back. I've missed your voice of DB reason on the boards. I haven't been posting much--too depressed and lethargic--but I just added a couple of really long posts to my thread. Glad to see you have your own thread again, and hope you are doing okay today.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Haha! I've been good! It's nice to have been missed. You all are so kind. I thought about you all regularly.
Today's thought on perseverance: He conquers who endures. ~Persius
I thought of this last night as I was sitting alone, after I brought the kids back to her. I thought - I must endure. I'm lonely but I'll get through this. And I'll hold my head high and I'll act honorably and do it for my kids. I may not "conquer" in the traditional sense, but I will endure, I will last.
---
Ahh, the holidays! Thanksgiving, Christmas break, New Year's. A time of great joy, but also it can be a time of particular difficulty for someone who is facing a family breakup, the loss of a dream, the loss of a partner. I feel for all of you. I know what it is like, I know how hard it is. All I can tell you is: the feeling of loss does not last forever. The devastating hurt does not last forever. You must endure. You will get through it. It's hard now, but it won't be that way forever. No matter how bad you feel, know that there are many who have gone before you. You can do it. It's not easy and you have to workhard. But you can do it. And when you feel particularly down, call a friend, call me, call anyone - for help. People want to be there for you. People will be glad to help.
Today I am personally thankful for:
flirting - a female exec at work - someone much more senior than me - was flirting with me today. I would not have noticed (oblivious) but another female friend pointed it out to me. Of course, I am DBing, so I will not entertain thoughts of responding. But it's nice to be noticed, even for the superficial stuff. A confidence booster.
hard stuff - today I had a hard conversation with one of my people, about his demeanor at work. He was showing his displeasure publicly and his displays were affecting other people, younger people. Team morale can be infectious. He is a smart guy, a senior guy, and I really expect more from him. It could have been an ugly conversation but it turned out quite positively. I sat with him and told him what I saw, and what I would like to see from him. This is one of those kinds of conversations that with a spouse in a difficult marriage, could turn ugly and defensive real quick. But in this case I watched myself, and it went well. I didn't criticize. I didn't use "you" statements. I was able to say the difficult stuff, and he was able to take it as intended. At first he did not like it at all; his initial reaction was (naturally) to defend and deny and even strike back. But I watched myself, stayed patient, stayed in control, did not back off, did not get defensive myself, stayed constructive. "What can we do to address this?" And... it worked! Work relationships are intimate, to a degree, and are subject to similar stresses as personal relationships. Work relationships are not nearly as close, of course, but there are similar dynamics in some cases. anyway I was glad to be able to have this productive conversation. I can imagine having a tough conversation like that in a personal relationship. Can imagine, but of course it is not in the offing anytime soon.
sweet memories - my son, 12 yrs old, got a puppy. The (stbx) wife moved into a different house that allows pets. (my place does not allow it). Son asked for his bday money early so he could get the puppy. Of course I agreed. The dog is so cute. He brought him over to my place last night for a visit. My son told me he wants his dog to "get to know me." Awesome! Little things like that, they go a long way. Anyway we rolled around with the puppy for a couple hours. She's so cute and I am glad to be able to help my boy get this pet. For my previous visit with the kids - 2 of the four were in tears when I picked them up from stbx. These are young people, so that kind of thing happens. But it was a little concerning. Anyway I comforted both of them, turned them around. I did not deny their feelings or criticize. I was able to listen to them, hear their complaints. In the end, just voicing their troubles helps them feel better. It's cool. I just listen and empathize. I miss that. Miss being able to do that every day. This time the kids were in a very silly mood. Two of them dressed up in my clothes and shoes and ran around the house pretending to be someone else. I wear a size 12 shoe, so they looked ridiculous walking around in my suitjacket and dress shoes. They had a riot and I just smiled and watched. They kept changing clothes and shoes. When it was time to go my 10-yr old daughter told me to stand up straight, and then she ran and surprise! jumped right into my arms. It was fun. These are the kids I abuse.
ps: I want to make a comment on my outlook on my impending divorce. Lots of people on this site say, DB all you can, but when it comes to divorce, you gotta lawyer-up and fight. Well I am not doing that. I could have, and it could have been very ugly. I could have geared up to "win" in the divorce or even "fight for what is fair." But I kept thinking, none of this is fair, and I won't feel any better if I end up with more furniture or a little more of our joint assets.
So I haven't fought at all, in the traditional sense. I refused to get a lawyer. I had a lawyer but fired her 10 months ago. People think I am crazy. Maybe you do, too.
I refused to continue working with an attorney because I see what lawyers do. They are mercenaries and they are paid to fight. They suck money out of dying families. I don't want to fight, and I'd rather give the money to my kids than to my lawyer.
If someone comes up to me and punches me in the nose, I have a right to defend myself. But I could also walk away. I feel like I am walking away. And if her lawyer wants to punch me in the nose, then she will do it. And I will not retaliate.
I have not "fought back" in the traditional sense, but I have fought in other ways. I've fought the good fight. I worked hard on my relationship with my kids. I have not, ever, used them as a bargaining chip with her. I have not poisoned their relationship with her. I do not criticize her. I fight depression in myself. I fight bitterness and resentment inside me. I guard against it.
Just wanted to set the record straight.
I do not judge anyone who retains a lawyer to protect themselves. In some ways I would be much better off if I had done that.
Ah, Sir--nothing better than a puppy you get to play with and then send home! (I'm a dog person--I have 4--so I speak from experience!)
Good for you for persevering. And not just persevering, but doing it with class and style. Your kids will always remember that. About the crying on pickup--it's a big change for them. They don't have the emotional skills to sort it all out. I remember doing the same things in visiting my dad--crying when I went to visit him, crying when I had to leave him. I'm sure it's really hard to see. But what a lesson you are giving your children--still being the loving dad they can count on for consistency. A rock in the storm. That's awesome!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
..and you're a brave soul. You have indeed fought the good fight, run the race, and kept the faith.
It may end up being a pretty good strategy anyway--when there's nothing to fight against, the aggressor loses the wind from their sails. I hope that's the case.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Ah, you know, the crying wasn't directly related to the kid exchange. But the wife had been cross with them and scolded them just before I saw them. Not sure what it was all about. They were misbehaving in the car or something. Anyway I listened and it was ... parenting. My job. I love it.
For my part I make sure they are smiling and laughing every time I drop them off. That is also part of my job!
About fighting - in the end she will be broke and I will be .. very well off financially. My disposable income will be down sharply for a while with the maintenance payments but that will end in a couple years. Then I will have much more money than I used to have, and she will have.. .I don't know what? No idea what her plan is, financially speaking.
It's so ludicrous - she even accused me, in sworn court documents, of sabotaging her efforts to get a job. As if!
Now that there has been zero contact for 10 months, guess who still doesn't have a job? Maybe I am sabotaging her job search by remote control?!?!?!?!
