Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse How do I communicate with WAW who is "checked out"

Alex,

My W said/says the same exact thing, and unfortunately in the begining of all the I acted out the improper way of doing exactly what I told you not to do, that's why I know to tell people not to do it.

Let her hang and think it out on her own, don't make changes just for her, or for her to see, do it for you and your kids.

As i posted in my thread, my time's up, although when I see her I can see deep down she still has feelings, but just won't acknowledge them.

Heh, get together for a beer sometime, I usually take my kids or myself over to Off Broadway on Wednesday nights, $6 wings and $1.50 pints, can't go wrong

Mapquested it; it's 5-miles from me...

Will try to get there one Weds. I'll weat either a Patriots or Red Sox hat (originally from Beantown)...

AlexEn

Where to start? I hate to tell you this, but in my limited experience with my sitch I have not found a single "MAGIC BULLET OR GOLDEN NUGGET" that has put me where I am with my WAW. It has taken me doing a lot of hard work on my part to arrive to this point. We are still not out of the woods, so to speak, but we have arrived into some clearings which seem to become bigger each time we enter into another.

If you have read all of my sitch you will see that I have had some very difficult times over the last7 months. From the dropping of the Bomb to contemplating and coming very close to taking my own life, to find inspiration from the DB/DR and one person on the this forum. Although, my sitch sounds like others here, it is still my sitch and it is deferent form others here.

What I have done may not work for you like it has for me (I hope). However, you should know that there is hope. If you do not give up on that hope, work hard and make meaningful and lasting changes in you yourself first your sitch has a chance. If you are like me having a chance is h#ll of a lot better than no chance at all.

I may not be to tell what will work for you, but what I have done. First, set an appointment with a professional T or C and start working on your problems. You may not think you have any problems, but it takes to tango. Secondly, if you have not, you need to read DB/DR at least two or three times to understand what is actually being said. Third, I suggest your read "Men or from Mars and Woman are from Venus" and make an appointment with a DB coach. I would also read Dr. Phil book "Relationship Rescue" Fourth, GAL (Get a Life) and develop a PMA ( Positive Mental Attitude) this will go a long way in helping you cope with your emotional issues involving your sitch. Fifth, read as many of the posting from this forum, find out what others are doing and what works for them and not. Sixth, Work your #ss off trying to fix what your problems before you start working on your spouse's problems. Seventh, be patient, patient, patient, patient, patient, and even more patient. I can not stress this enough. It is important to be patient. It has taken you and your spouse years of having these problems and it may take a long time to fix them. Eight, do not push and DO NOT LOSE YOUR COOL in front of your W. Ninth, try to be understanding and non-aggressive with your WAW. Communicate and do things on her time schedule. Tenth, if you truly love her you will need to show her and not just tell her. Actions are for stronger than words. Talk to friends about your ideas, lesion to their advice, weight them very carefully, but remember, you are the one that knows your spouse better than anyone else, usage your judgment, your gut feeling. You will to make the final decision. Make it from the heart. You can not change her mind or make her happy unless she is ready. You have to be happy in your own right first. This will important to show her that you are happy. Happiness is contagious.

Remember, this is what I did. This has worked for me. I do not know anything about your sitch, except that you are here. Most of us are here because we need this type of support in our lives right now. This is a good place to be when you want to vent and ask for help. You should also remember that what you will get all kinds of opinions and experience form friends, relatives and other posters here. Read them, take each one and consider it very carefully. In some cases you will need to take it with a grain of salt. Ask questions here before you jump.

I hope this helps. I am sorry that you are here. I also wish I could give you a magic bullet. I hope that your sitch works out. Your sitch will work out the way it's supposed too.

Please keep in touch. Feel free to post back if you should need to vent, crow, or ask a question or two.

Good
Luck!!!

VS

Sounds cool, but regrets, this is a "bi-week" for me, with $0.27 left in my account til Friday, not in the budget. But any other time is cool too, they have specials Mon - thurs and the rest of the food is good and cheaap too

VS made some good points. Definately keep your cool, it's hard and we all slip up from time to time, but find what works to build a level communication with the W on her terms and stick with it. I do not make initial contact my WAW anymore. We're not in the best of positions right now as she's "engaged" to OM and getting her pro-bono lawyer next month and seemingly taking me to the cleaners, but yet last night still speands a hour and half dragging out the same old dirty laundry when there should be seemingly no point ot do so. So that tells me in her own way she's not done, just yet. So, hey, no matter how bad it looks, it's not over til it's over.

Hang in there.

dday

VS,

Thanks for the words...

(It has taken me doing a lot of hard work on my part to arrive to this point. We are still not out of the woods, so to speak, but we have arrived into some clearings which seem to become bigger each time we enter into another.)

That's great news... Whatever you are doing is working. 'm pulling for you if YOU are sure it's what you want. I'm starting to question it myself. Had an exchange with someone that struck home and which I need to fully consider:

Sang-froid wrote: "I don't know how much longer that I can continue to be nice to her. I'm seriously considering the LRT and going very "dim." Mainly because I don't know if I can be around someone who does not have the strength to keep the family intact; the insight to understand that the grass is not greener, that divorce is not the answer to her problems."

I responded: "You are so much more succint than I am, but, after a year on this roller-coaster, what you just described in one sentence is what makes my blood boil most right now... She has the strength to pursue other things (she now wants to go back to graduate school, but neither the DECENCY nor STRENGTH to look at any of those things. It's incredible that the fog completely crowds out a conscience (when lying becomes second nature). That's why I think she is not herself, because no one would knowingly want to be a "liar", or maybe that's complete naivete on my part..."

(If you have read all of my sitch you will see that I have had some very difficult times over the last7 months. From the dropping of the Bomb to contemplating and coming very close to taking my own life, to find inspiration from the DB/DR and one person on the this forum. Although, my sitch sounds like others here, it is still my sitch and it is deferent form others here.)

Yikes! In reading the past posts, I missed that part. If you're ever feeling that way again, REACH OUT, that's why we're all here.

(If you are like me having a chance is h#ll of a lot better than no chance at all.)

That's a fair thing to ask for!

(First, set an appointment with a professional T or C and start working on your problems. You may not think you have any problems, but it takes to tango.)

Absolutley, and it took us both years to get to that point, and there are changes she has to make as well. I can work on me (and firmly believe that whatever happens here, I will come out of it a better person). I would love for my next relationship to be with my wife, but if it's not, I will have learned from my own mistakes.

(Secondly, if you have not, you need to read DB/DR at least two or three times to understand what is actually being said. Third, I suggest your read "Men or from Mars and Woman are from Venus" and make an appointment with a DB coach. I would also read Dr. Phil book "Relationship Rescue" Fourth, GAL (Get a Life) and develop a PMA ( Positive Mental Attitude) this will go a long way in helping you cope with your emotional issues involving your sitch.)

Heading to the bookstore or Amazon later today!

(Make it from the heart.)

That's what I wish I'd known BEFORE, but what I DO get now.

(Please keep in touch. Feel free to post back if you should need to vent, crow, or ask a question or two.)

Thanks and likewise...

-AlexEN

DDay...

Good luck to you. If she's venting, she's still confused and you still have a shot...

-AlexEN

AlexEn

I would not be here if I did not want to get back with my W. You are the only one that can answer that question.

Do your work on you for you. If you do YOUR WORK AND get yourself back in order you can help your W to get there. If worse comes to worse at least you will better for it.

Hang in there. If you play golf you will understand this, keep your Eye on the green. Stay out of the bunkers. You will also need to have enough internal fortitude to get up off the ground each time you get knock down. If you do not have that mindset you will not to you or you sitch any good.


VS

VS,

I've been knocked around pretty good.

If I can get to the green, my putting is very good.

How's your sitch going?

-AlexEN

AlexEn

No game is worth playing if it does not give you some challenges. You have to concentrate, keep your eye on the ball, take a slow swing and shoot for the green. Practice, practice, practice.

I think my sitch is going well. You need go to my thread and read my up-dates.

VS