We should be talking about S's life, schedule, routine, discipline, etc if we are going to co-parent, but she says "you just care for him when you have him, and I'll care for him when I have him."
If I were you I would try to keep her informed about your S and what's going on with him re: illnesses, appointments, special activities, (like when my D has a performance or whatever that H might want to attend), etc. In my state if you limit access or info to the child, my L and C have told me that is looked as a negative.
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In the past I tried to reason with her... D is hard on children. He will have issues later in life, etc. She just said "He will turn out fine - I will make sure of it."
Unfortunately, she may not be able to cure depression. Just the typical bull they spout sometimes. Glad you stopped trying to "educate" her. I did that too, trying to use logic and I've tried to stop that totally. They have these fuzzy, foggy brains and logic and reason don't seem to penetrate the fog.
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I wasn't as cooperative as she would have liked because I don't like debt and don't have the sense of entitlement that most in their mid-20's have.
It sounds like you were being a responsible person with the finances, not a miser or anything. It was her choice to get involved with an alcoholic to "improve" her life. I think she will discover that there are serious drawbacks to that, you can't tell her she will discover for herself.
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At this point I'm almost more angry about what she is doing to our S. Lately he seems to be depressed.
My S is depressed too. Saying stuff like marriage just ends in divorce and adultery so he will never get married. And other stuff like that. That to me is the worst part of this is that it's hurting my kids. My H emailed me a couple weeks ago that he thinks the D is helping everyone. I still waste too much sometimes trying to reason with him; it really is a waste though. Karen
I guess misery does really enjoy company. For some sick reason I feel better knowing my W isn't the only crazy person out there. The stuff she is doing is "normal" I guess and that makes me feel that there is hope.
I do have a really good lawyer. I started with a local one because at that point I thought it was just going to be a quick separation, etc and after reading DR I never thought it would get to the point of ever being final.
But since things progressed like they did... I have a new L and he has given me some great advice on how to proceed. I have pictures of them together, witnesses seeing them out during her time to care for S, etc. If her MIL and step-FIL weren't enabling her so much I think things would be much more difficult. Right now it is full-on fantasy lifestyle for W.
I'm not sure. I just feel like that is what happened.
Actually, I can empathize. Sometimes, I feel that my W just used me until all of my bank accounts were dry. But I do believe that she had more feelings for me than that. What I truly believe is that she isn't willing to change her habits so that we can save up all that we have spent. So she's moved on to avoid the responsibility.
She feels entitled to something because she's beautiful.
I hope she finds it since she's left me and the kids to live our lives. I guess I'm fortunate; in that I have my kids with me.
Same here MC. My W is beautiful and knows how to use that to get what she wants. Her mother did the same. At some point the beauty is seen for what it is worth and she will regret the choices she has made (just like her mother has said to me). I just wish we didn't have to suffer the pain.
I like to watch "Dr. Drew celebrity rehab" and the last episode showed the kids of an alcoholic and how they reverse roles with their parents. That definitely happened to me. I became the mature adult at a very young age. I lost my childhood in a lot of ways and sometimes don't know how to loosen up and have fun in life. When my W fell in love with me, I was probably the most "child-like" that I have ever been. I didn't have a care in the world... dad was my bankroll, grades were good, just hanging out playing college basketball, PS2, and having a good time with my future-wife.
After talking with my new IC... we were talking about the adult-adult, adult-child, and child-child interactions we have with our spouses. The majority of our marriage was adult-child and eventually that took its toll.
After talking with my new IC... we were talking about the adult-adult, adult-child, and child-child interactions we have with our spouses. The majority of our marriage was adult-child and eventually that took its toll.
Cool that you figured that out. That sounds like something you might want to work on? Trying to treat your W as an equal adult & relating to her adult-adult or as friends rather than parent-child?
Oh, I knew that from the beginning. I just didn't understand why she didn't want to be an adult. She thought if she bought "stuff" that made her an adult, and she didn't have to answer to anyone.
I'm sure there are things I could do better to allow her to act like an adult. I will have to keep that in mind for future interactions.
Just got done with our Sunday night exchange. It is snowy here so it was cold. I got out, said "Hey {W}, How are you doing?" She said, "Good. How are you doing?" I said, "Good." Got S out of the car and handed him over. She asked how are weekend was... I said it was great, we had a lot of fun.
I got in my car and she got in hers.
Exchanges when I give up my S to her are a lot harder on me than when I get him back.
I think I'm going to re-read DB tonight while watching the game. Just need to remind myself it hasn't been that long since papers filed and we have a long road ahead of us before it can be final.
How do I get past this point? Is it impossible until W & OM have problems?
How do I get past this point? Is it impossible until W & OM have problems?
Sounds like you did good! I know what you mean. I did wind up being ok this long weekend by doing volunteer work though. Thinking I'll try to keep doing more of that. You help others and yourself at the same time & keeps your mind off the kids a little too.
I don't know if they have to develop problems in their A, but suppose that helps. It does seem from my time spent here and people in my "real" life that sometimes the WAS just kind of wakes up and realizes the grass isn't greener or whatever. Is it always problems with the OP that starts that? I don't know...
Re: the parent-child thing--I actually think in my M we took turns being the parent and the child. I spent too much time focusing on the kids and I think treated H as a 3rd kid sometimes in the way I would relate to him. And a lot of times he'd relate to me like a critical parent. I've been trying to be more assertive about that, and really just trying to have adult-adult interactions with him this year, although it can be really difficult. I think the better you do at the better for you and your W. Karen
