Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Guys...chime in

I agree...once we have settled the argument, I forgot it. My W recently pointed out she remembers every one. She even brings up the ones where she admits that she was wrong. In those cases the fact that I defended myself is offensive to her. She thinks I should be a doormat.

Also we had an agreement early on in our M that we would not yell, belittle each other, and only deal with what was at issue. We followed those rules and actually rarely had disagreements. My MC says she is picking at straws to find justification for the adultery.

Hahahahahahahha...ahhhh that's so funny. SO FUNNY!

MY husband doesn't hold grudges either. Our marriage is GREAT!!! He doesn't HAVE to hold a grudge, because I keep doing things wrong TODAY. There's so much to complain about TODAY, WHY hold a grudge.

He also doesn't have any built up pain. He just kicks the crap out of everyone emotionally for FUN. He doesn't have any internal triggers or problems built up in him WHATSOEVER. He doesn't even worry about having CANCER. Guys just don't think about those things.

Know what, I don't care what the books say (I read the same one). I used to think men don't score keep or remember. I believe that it is more that they aren't as verbal about it. Until they decide to be and then watch out.

And it is a sacrafice to be at home. To care for kids etc... even when you WANT and LOVE to do it. Very easily forget who you are and what makes you a person besides the kids and home and H. Men have their jobs, and outside things that make them feel whole. Smart, useful. Anyone can scrub a toilet.

Just a little food for thought. I personally love staying home and doing those things until it became looked at as my duty cuz I am the woman.

I wasn't discounting anything about staying home or anything like that and I apologize if it came across as such. I was only using it as a reference as to how such stuff can build up over time.
My W stayed home for a year and a half when our daughters were young...I loved the whole thing! At the time it was what she said she wanted..$ was tight but things were good. I remember coming in the door and the FIRST place I went was to wherever she was...hugged her and kissed her and asked about her day.

Today I have had all that thrown in my face. She was in college before we married and had kids...my fault. She did all the bills...my fault. I "emotionally isolated" her...if that is even possible...my fault.

Oh good, women's perspective, but sorry gals, this was "Guys...chime in". Just kidding.

I agree Kelaron, there does appear to be an expectation that the woman will stay home. Personally, if my wife wanted to be the one working and me the one staying home, I'd be fine with it. But if YOU have made the choice to stay home, I'm not sure why you'd complain about it. You have choice. No one controls what you do. Should you choose to work outside the home, do it. But I'm sure the work at home isn't appreciated as much as you'd like (or maybe not at all). It does seem that it's looked at as "you have your job (at home) and I have mine. You don't indicate you appreciate I'm off working so why should I appreciate that you are at home working?"

I spent plenty of time on my own when divorced, and in all honesty, I loved doing housework on MY schedule. Keeping up when I wanted to. Not having anyone around to make me feel guilty that I'd choose to watch the football game and put off housework or whatever until it was over (or until the next day). No one nagging at me.

OMG...what was that LIKE??? lol

Sorry for chiming in... :P

My $.02. No, I don't harbor wounds from past hurts or much anger, at all, toward my WAW. To be fair, I was the one that was controlling, closed off emotionally and not very supportive. If I were her, I probably be p!ssed off too. She is very angry and resentful of the past and I understand.

She was also a SAHW that, along with my controlling and unempathetic ways, caused her some lost identity. In my sitch, I'm hurt, and a little bitter, that she can't work on the M anymore, but am trying to feel more love and forgiveness toward her than anything else. I don't mean to sound saintly, just that she hasn't put me through, what I put her through.

NM

No my point was simply that the loss of identity, and unfortunately it does happen, can eventually make you resent the choice to stay home no matter how much you want to be there. Eventually, you start being jealous of the "life" you think H has, and hate the fact that you have none without him and kids.

I absolutly love taking care of people. I do it at home and at work. I am a little backwards, cuz I truly am one of those antifeminist women. All I really want to be recognized for is the fact that I have a brain and feelings. I really didn't get too resentful until I went back to work and still was expected to do it all at home. A little help goes a long way in most women's hearts. That is all.

PD-you said it all. You did things on your schedule. Cooked for you when you wanted, did laundry when you wanted. It isn't quite the same. If a man works all day and the W is home (or even working and home), it is still in her mind that he doesn't deserve to come home to no food, dirty laundry, and unruly kids. Just my OP. really would like to hear more men's take on it cuz I find I actually have learned a lot about the innerworkings of men on here.

here's my 2 cents...

did i harbor resentment from prior hurts.....yes, but i was unaware that i was doing so. IDK if that makes sense, but i see now how stifled i was in my M. part of that was my own doing, and part of that was my W. as SC says...mutually threatening wounds...we both were looking for ways to heal those wounds, and at the same time, hurt each other because we didn't speak up when we were hurt by the actions of the other one. I guess what i'm saying is that until i had the ability to really step back and take a look, i didn't realize i was harboring resentment.....

that being said, i still struggle with the choice my W has made and how hurtful it is to me. I often wonder if i could forgive her for the pain if she decided she wanted to work on it. part of me says yes, part of me says no, i can never trust her again...but that's me. I also am aware that my W has many, many, many issues she still needs to work on.....

I can see that. I'm sure there is a lot of that. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir, but this process has made me realize that a person has to take ownership of their own feelings. If I resent something my wife isn't doing for me (ie snuggling, whatever) I need to ask myself, "is that really her issue, or is it mine?" I think it's up to us to try to change these things we don't like. I'll bet you have never expressed, in those words, that you feel a loss of identity as an individual to your husband or expressed a solution. Or have you? Saying, "I need at least a couple nights of an outside interest to re-energize myself" or something like that?