Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives I screwed up again

Beth,

Unfortunately my positive feelings and happiness went away in less than a second just a few minutes ago when I found out my instinct yesterday was right. My W did meet OM yesterday.

I am not sure if I am just disappointed or furious. She has the nerve to let me book her flight to her lover. I am really torn if I should still work on this M or if I should burn it down in flames and move on. She also expects me to pick her up from the airport next Sunday (well, I kind of offered it to her). I am not sure I want to do that right now. My S8 has a cub scout meeting at the same time. I have not told him yet that we need to cancel, and I am wondering if I should simply tell her she needs to find somebody else to pick her up.
How can people be so cold-hearted and pursue an A while their aunt is dying and their S is sitting at home watching the kids?

She does not know I found out, so I am looking for advice what I should do. Confront her, kick her out of the house, maybe even file for D myself? Or true to the DB philosophy just keep doing what I am doing?
I know I probably should not even have tried to find out, but it cannot be undone. And to be honest, initially I had not a bit of hope that I would be able to turn this around, so I started collecting evidence (I guess I still am).

Anybody's thoughts are welcome.

AN

AN,

I am sorry.

I do not have much advice regarding the handling of a situation w/ OP involved. I will tell you this: I think it is best not to make any decisions in the heat of emotion - so do nothing right now. Let this settle a bit, let your emotions settle a bit.

When your emotions settle, I think you can then decide what it is you want, regardless of what W is or is not doing. Then, you proceed from there.

Beth

Beth,

Thank you for reminding me! I know that is what I need to do and that is why I turned to the board to see how others have handled a situation like this.

Thanks for listening!

AN

AN,

You are welcome. There does not seem to be much traffic right now. I know that others will help, just "bump" your thread up the list by hitting "reply" and typing anything, including "bump," if it gets pushed to the next page.

Beth

Beth,

I did what I knew was the right thing to do: GAL. I called the kids to decorate the tree. It looks beautiful. I am still a little sad, but I think I know how to handle the situation now. I believe she did not go all the way, i.e. a PA. At least, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. And everything else is really no different from what she has been doing already, except it is not just online.

I still think she needs a wake-up call, but I cannot be the one that gives it to her. I keep coming back to my MC session. I said before that during the session I suddenly realized that it was me who walked away - emotionally, because I do not believe I am capable of having an EA or PA while still in a - this M. I have done it twice, her long-time boyfriend before did it once. When will she come to the conclusion that she also needs to work on herself? At least I have found this board, have read the DR book and finally get it. I need to do something about me. I need to change, I may not know yet how exactly that will work, but at least I have figured out the part that my action is required. And I think in the end I need to come to a conclusion whether or not I want, need, love her enough to take her with me. I still feel I do, but I am afraid of the answer to that question when I have gone through more of the process of finding myself.
What I already know at this point is that I want to stay with my kids, with or without her. When I asked her the hypothetical question if she would return to Germany even if she could not take them with her, she answered yes. That was even more shocking to me than the EA. I could never imagine leaving my kids behind. I do not want to leave this country, change jobs and everything else, but if the L that told me she could not take the kids back to Germany unless I allowed it is incorrect, I already have plans how I can stay with them. They are the most important thing to me in this entire mess, and she does not even care about them.

I already have some plans for tomorrow. I plan to prepare lunch, something new I have never done before and I plan to run, but only a short and very easy run. BTW, I am pretty sure I know where the sciatic pain is coming from. I agree with you that a weak upper body can cause something like that, but I do some regular exercises for that. In my case though, it is the piriformis muscle that tightens up and puts pressure on the sciatic nerve. I usually treat it with trigger point massage, and it works quite well. I just did not expect it to come back so soon after the running break.

AN

AN,

Stay strong for your kids man.

I don't know if I would believe that it wasn't a PA. Not that it matters that much. I would have her get STD tests done before every having sexual relations with her in the future. Hopefully your sitch will come to that point.

MC

AN:
There are different philosophies here about how to deal with an OM...Puppy - if you haven't already found his thoughts - believes in challenging the spouse and setting up clear boundaries...while I agree with Puppy - I don't know if it's right for everyone - in many cases, challenging the WAS does just push them deeper into the arms of the OM/OW...

My wife had an EA three years ago - and I saw signs of another starting up just before she dropped the bomb...after she dropped the bomb, I simply said to her, that since we are married, I expected both of us to respect that until we were not - and by respect, I meant that I would not want to have a conversation with a woman that I would be embarrassed to have in front of her - and I asked her to offer the same...I don't know if she's honored that - but I know that she heard me...

But back to your sitch...always take a long, deep breath before tackling any of these emotional tangles...just as you did. You will not be able to fix your marriage by fixing your wife - heck, I actually don't think one can fix a marriage period - rather I truly believe, after having spent several months reading through different threads on this board - that people must fix themselves first - there is no other way - since an inauthentic self has no way of being loved and offering love in an authentic way.

Also...don't forget what's in the DB/DR books - and what is repeated all over the place on this board - you cannot believe what she says at this point...even if she says she's willing to leave the country without the children - that's not something you have to work through now - those are just words - and they're words coming from someone that is trying to navigate a troubled terrain for herself...

I might add that running is not your GAL - it is your habit - it's part of what you do - and while I don't think it's something that you should have to give up - perhaps you should spend some time thinking about some of the other things you have given up in order to maintain your interests...

As for me...only now...since my wife has moved out, have I finally come to understand what it means to GAL and have a PMA - before she moved out, I kept thinking of things to do "to change her" or "to make her notice" and, obviously, nothing worked. Now that she's moved out I can see things more clearly - and understand the value of going to a cafe like I used to - or getting together with a friend for a drink and a conversation - or taking my children to a farm (as I did today). Until she moved out, I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up - and there were things about me that I would never have considered lost...until I found them...like my sense of order in the house, or my calm, or my compassion for her. Sorry to hijack....just kind of found myself thinking/writing out loud...

SB,

Thank you for a lot of insight. I think I am already pretty good at not letting my emotions take a ride with me, at least in front of her. It takes all my strength, but I think I have that under control.

I like your point about setting boundaries. It was her who talked about integrity when she dropped the bomb, so maybe a friendly reminder just like yours will not hurt.

One of the things I realize after only one week of being alone with the kids at home: I do not need her for any of the daily stuff. I can cook, wash up, clean my clothes, deal with the kids (with her gone, they are actually much easier to deal with), even clean the house, which she left in a mess. I set up and decorated the Christmas tree. I just feel good about these things.

I am definitely thinking too much about her and not enough about myself. After reading a lot of other threads, detachment is a process that will take a while. I have embarked on that journey, but I am still at the very beginning.

AN

Hi AN,

As you mentioned, you don't know what happend with OM. In those cases, I have personally chosen to assume the best. To assume the worst just makes me a lesser person.

Besides, the EA makes more sense to me anyway. Her aunt is dying and she wants emotional support. I know you wish that she would reach out to you... but that isn't the case right now. So she is near OM and they are typically good at providing emotional support. So she meets him and they chat or have dinner.

Going the next step and hopping into bed for a wild fling while aunt is dying doesn't make sense to me. Not impossible... but seems not to fit the situation very well.

Your imagination can really make things painfull for you at this point. I urge you to have the mental disipline to take the high road. Heck, nothing even says they had a romantic conversation. He probably just gave condolences about aunt and perhaps wife bitched about you some.

Hi techguy,

Thank you for your support. I guess I am just torn between anger, sadness, and maybe hope. When I get angry, I imagine all these things that could "force" her back into this M (in reality, none of that will work, of course). When I am sad, I usually turn to my kids and give them all the love I have (it feels good in a way, but it also makes me cry when I am not with them). When I feel hope, that is when I rehearse how I will talk to her DB style and imagine how she finally realizes that it is really a bad idea throwing away 17 years of her life.

I have come to the conlusion (in those hours when hope prevails) that I will not even mention anything about those two weeks to her. I will however set those boundaries as mentioned in previous post. I do not care if she honors them, but she will hopefully realize that I still honor my vows.

Today I have been sad most of the time. So I turned to my kids a lot, spent time with them. We set up a wooden Nativity Set under the Christmas tree and I read the Christmas story to them. They can't wait until it is finally Christmas, while I kind of wish it would still take a long time. Due to the rainy weather, we spent most of the day inside, but I enjoyed it, even though I was sad.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I will have to work, but I can do it from home this week. So every now and then, I will hopefully have a few minutes that I can spend with them.

The one thing I have been thinking and have not come to a conclusion on is whether or not to tell her that I want the kids. She could take it as a threat, but it is really not. I want the kids, with or without her. Period. On the other hand, what is the purpose of telling her? How is it going to help me save my M? I really unsure about that. Any input would be appreciated.

AN