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Thanks Sep :),

So last night H came home early from school. I was trying to make this elaborate dessert as a surprise for him. I said "it was supposed to be special." Then he said "you are a special girl." It was sweet though, not really sure how to describe it.

So I mentioned the trip, said thank you for agreeing, and asked if he was sure it was OK given how cold it would be (he'd wanted to go somewhere warm). He said yes. I said that I would buy a book and would love it if he could let me know if there were things he wanted to do, otherwise would just take our hosts' lead. I even said that I didn't want to be bossy on the trip. This was the closest I have come to initiating any kind of R talk/serious talk at all. He seemed slightly uncomfortable so I changed the topic and started talking abut pets in the Czech Republic. It was a weird segue, but it seemed to work. The trip, I am sure, is not a big issue. What I have been thinking about though is H's ring. He isn't wearing it, and I am not saying anything though it really bothers me. I wonder how he will feel going to see my ex without wearing a ring, or whether this could potentially be a catalyst for him to consider it?

I am slightly worried as he took sleeping pills last night. He seems more stressed than usual, but since he is not talking to me about things, I don't know why. I hope things are still looking up in his mind. It is weird to have a marriage where you don't talk about things, but since he's asked me to "slow it down a bit", and give him space, even if by email, I think he needs to be the one to initiate more. I just know that he felt like we weren't close before, and I don't know how to get this feeling of closeness back given the circumstances.

Oh well, I need to focus on the trip. This is a good thing...

ITH

So only the very briefest of updates. I'm at home today, took the day off. I'm cooking and cleaning and generally just relaxing, watching shows etc.

H has reached out twice by IM. The first time was something business related, and the second time was to ask how the dogs were doing. My ex reached out again too. He is really obsessed with our upcoming trip, and wanted to let me know they would pick us up from the airport. Like me, he is an American abroad, and feels a bit displaced so I think he's looking for reminders of home. So, I am going to buy the tickets tonight, provided H seems to still be on board. I can't see any issues at this point, and in some weird way, especially because it's my ex, I think he feels more compelled to go, like it will look as though he's jealous if we back out. I really hope he's actually looking forward to the trip too. I can't get a read on it, but I can't keep asking "are you sure you want to go?"

Anyway, off to do some cooking now :).

ITH

Journaling...

Not much, really nothing, to report today. Last night H came home late since he went to spin class at his new gym. I should consider myself very lucky that he comes home late because of working out!

We watched a documentary together, then went to bed. Lately he has been saying "let's go to bed." I like this. I talked some more about the trip to the Czech Republic, and while he doesn't seem as excited as I am, he still seems on board with it. At this point I can't keep second guessing why he has agreed to this holiday. If it is just to make me happy, then it could be that he is trying to do something nice for me because he knows he hasn't been in the state to do much recently. Whatever the reason, I am accepting this, and will just do my best to make sure that he doesn't feel like I am controlling everything.

There was no ML or anything in bed, and there hasn't been for quite awhile. However, he is still laying with his arm on me, and throughout the night moves closer to me rather than away. Feels right now as though things are standing still a bit, and even as though H might be trying to spend a bit more time doing his own thing. This is fine and I know that things are going to accelerate over the holidays, or at least be different. H has 2 tests next week, and I am doing my best to make sure I help with as much as possible to alleviate the stress. He had complained before that he was so stressed from work and school, and that I made things worse. I don't entirely agree with his assessment of the situation, but now am doing all of the errands that I can, and just generally not pressuring him in the house when I know he wants to study or relax. I really don't know if he is noticing these positive changes or not. I just don't know what's going through his head. I do know that we haven't had one disagreement since I came home over 3 weeks ago. We used to fight on a daily basis...

Anyway I am going to continue to bite my tongue, at least through the holidays, and not ask what he is thinking/feeling. My biggest concern now is that I know he wanted more intimacy, but this is hard to do without these kinds of discussions. If anyone has ideas for building intimacy without R talks, I'd love to hear them...

ITH

Booked the flights to Prague...

I double checked with H 2 more times. This morning I said that if he was doing it only not to upset me, I didn't want to go. I then IMd him to say I was buying the tickets, wanted to make sure he was fine with the details. All was well. So I've booked, and he knows this.

I'm still not entirely sure he wants to go, but I can't keep assuming this. I have given him multiple opportunities to back out, and have not been pushy, at least IMO. This is a weird halfway stage still. Yesterday we talked about changing our internet provider. Again, such a little thing, but something that signifies longer-term commitment to the marriage. It as if everything is there now but the emotional closeness. He continues with his teasing, and I am being kind to the point of exhaustion. I am just keeping my cool at all times, and not letting anything sway me. I feel in some ways as though he's still testing things.

A vacation like this will be a true test, I believe. In fact when he dropped the first bomb, we were on a 3 week vacation...we travel a lot together, correction DID travel a lot together. I think it's important to see whether we can do this again. When we were on the holiday where he dropped the bomb, we were with my family. He said he felt so separated from everything. Now we are having a holiday with my ex, again a holiday with my people in a way. I want to make doubly certain that he feels a part of things this time. I'm a bit nervous to be honest. I guess though I have never met my ex's GF either, and we are staying with her family, so this is equally odd for all of us. I just can't believe how strange it is, the more that I think about it.

OK I am being obsessive...:). Back to work!

ITH

Hey ITH...

So.. you sure about this then? As your doubts have been evident in all your posts.. is this your intuition talking? You keep saying you dont want to seem pushy and want to take his views into account.. but then, this was something you kind of arranged with your ex and cleared with your H.. do you think there is a danger of it feeling like 'pressure'? Also, that once you are there, with the ex and gf and her family, your H will have to be on his best behavuour and appear like a couple with you, which again might be pressure, and not the same as perhaps if you two had gone away somewhere by yourselves?

I guess you feel that the two of you will have a good time, but are you a bit concerned that he is quite quiet on the subject and kind of letting you get on with it.. like he is not really on board with the idea? Like you said, you have asked him, but then, maybe he doesnt want a confrontation? Or to make another plan??

You know your sitch best though! He did say he was trying though didnt he, that he would give it a few months (?), so perhaps his muted response just is how he would be right now, regardless of what you had organised?

Its great that you have had no disagreements and that he suggests going off to bed together! And the bills and PC stuff, all positive signs.

Al x

Hello istherehope,

You`ve asked how to build intimacy with your H. I`m a big believer in physical intimacy - how about asking him if you can give him a massage when you get into bed? Could lead to other things!

I hope you continue moving closer together... sounds like it is important to both of you.

Hi Ali and NTL,

Thanks for stopping by :).

Ali--I think he would be like this with any trip. In fact I had offered previously to look into going someplace that he had been wanting to go, e.g. Morocco. He has never been one for planning trips, and I was sort of hoping he might take more of an interest in general, but I do think that he would offer a muted response regardless of the destination. I have offered so many easy outs of this trip over the past few days around money and the weather etc., that I really believe he would have taken one of them if he was opposed to going and could have done so without a big confrontation. He has certainly not been easygoing and accommodating throughout the last months, so I just have to believe that he would speak his mind, or go with one of the easy outs if he was opposed to going. I think what we can do though is very much play it by ear once we're there. He wants to spend more time in Prague rather than at the GF's house in the country, so if we go this route, those nights we will be alone; this will be my H's decision to make entirely and I will let him know that I want to go with what he wants to do. I have a strong gut feeling that he and my ex will get along really, really well. They are so similar in so many ways and my H is SO much cuter that he will not feel intimidated :). He may feel pressured to act more like a couple around my ex, but I will do my best not to add to this pressure. My ex is a very reserved person emotionally and physically, and I would bet money that he and his GF are not physically affectionate in front of people. Since H and I are getting along swimmingly, I don't think it will be too difficult to just act kind towards each other (fingers crossed).

NTL--thanks for the suggestion. I like the idea of more physical intimacy too. I think it can lead to increased emotional intimacy. It will take a bit of courage for me to try the massage bit, but this could be a good idea maybe a couple of weeks down the road after he finishes his exams...

All-I have heard from H again since I bought the tickets, just on other business stuff, so everything seems normal. I think he did all of his internal debating about the trip before he gave me the green light. I need to stop speculating and panicking. I think I will make things worse if I assume he doesn't want to be on a trip with me. At some point I need to trust that he actually is making an effort, and that he actually does enjoy my company. I also need to trust him to speak up and share his POV if he is unhappy with anything.

So tonight I have some team event and will be home a bit late. Actually one of us has something keeping us out late night every night this week. This is probably a good thing as we get closer to the trip...

ITH

Hi again,

My vote is for another Jody session... See what her suggestions are as to how to approach your interactions over the trip. She has such insight! Your H has made a huge committment by going on this trip with you... I am sure he does feel nervous- as they all seem to do. Go forward then back off.

He didn't have to go on trip with you. He made the choice to. I am guessing if you keep pestering him about whether he actually wants to be there or not he will start to get angry and back off more. Assume he said yes because he wants to be with you, and is acting weird because he is afraid of falling in love again.

I don't know what to tell you about how to get back the physical intimacy in your relationship. I know from my sitch that if I push at the wrong time it is rejected and then I fall apart. It sounds like your H is similar right now... He needs to take the lead. But perhaps he is afraid to reach out as well. How about just holding his hand in bed as you fall asleep? Non-threatening but still a connection.

You've come really far. Remember with this trip and the next few weeks to try to let your H take the lead (especially if he thinks that you are the controller/decision maker). You started the plans, let him finish them... If that is possible of course.

I'll check on you later... Heading over to post on my thread...

ITH - on bulding intimacy, be careful, you could be pushing for more than H may be prepared to give just yet (remember it's a slow race, not a sprint, and when you see hope the more you try to grab at that hope quickly the more likely it is to be pulled away from you)

BUT I have a plan up my sleeve! Why don't you get the Five Love Languages book? I'm not suggesting you give it to H to read, it may be early days yet, but you read it yourself and see if you can spot which is your H's primary love language, then experiment with it and see if you get results? I say that cos you're talking of building physical intimacy by touch, it might not be his primary love language. Mine isn't, I feel more intimate with someone when they talk to me and spend time with me.

Just an idea

Hi Opt and Jen,

Opt-I think you are right in that H needs to take the lead on things, including physical intimacy. I was actually hoping for emotional intimacy, as you mentioned in your own thread, the talking about feelings, hopes, dreams etc. That's what we are missing at the moment, and what H said he had really wanted. Maybe physical intimacy helps with that, but I can't do much there beyond being very receptive to H when he instigates ML talk. I agree that small gestures are good. I make sure to be right against him in bed when we are sleeping, and lately he's been receptive to this, even moving closer to me of his own accord.

Jen, I love the idea of getting the LL book. Maybe I'll order it at Amazon tomorrow. It's definitely not to be shared with H at this point, but hopefully I can learn enough from it on my own! This is a fantastic idea.

Thanks again to both of you. I'm on my way home now from a team event, and am hoping to have at least an hour of quality time with H when I get back.

Will post later tonight or tomorrow. Fingers crossed I have something very good like ML to post about...

ITH