No need for apologies. I understand completely. I was just thinking of you having to bounce back and forth from thread to thread.
Well It is very confusing trying to figure things out. So hey, don't right now. Focus on yourself and your children. It's great to hear that they are bonding with you more and if they notice the changes in you, I can guarantee your wife does as well. She will never let you know that though.
It sounds like your head is in the right spot. Dbing will work in any case. Don't let trying to figure out or diagnose your wife turn into an obsession. The bottom line right now is taking care of yourself and your children. That is why your here. Saving your marriage has to come second right now.
Just take it a day at a time. Don't do anything to help your wife out the door. Let her do all the work. You may want to continue learning about depression and MLC and see if you find more things that fit when you get a chance.
I sure felt like I did from all the signs I had read about.....I was there! The only thing was that perhaps mine did not take as long as some claim that around three years is usually about the time it takes to come out of it. But, I am not sure when mine started. I think I knew when the fog began to lift.
There were and have been major stuff down through our M life that has happened to leave me with a lot of depression to deal with and during that time was no exception. I thought I could deal with the latest that life had thrown at us, but instead, I think I tried to hide out at night by going to the computer and losing myself in the Internet Adult Land. It still makes me sick to think about it. So unlike me! The only thing I can think of in regard to my childhood is that with my parents being very strict on me, even to the point that I could not go to dances and no more than one visit to a relative once a week or something like that. My dad had kind of strange ideas when I was younger b/c he wanted me to be the "pefect" child. Of course, no child is perfect, but his expectations were high....as for as moral values, etc. So, I was a very good girl all through my dating years and when I married I was as pure as the driven snow. I knew nothing about oral sex....had never heard of it.....threw up when my H finally had to tell me about it (lol) and was just so innoncent of any of those type of things. I had never seen an adult movie (they didn't have the R rated ones before I got married) so there was no nudity or sex scenes for me to see. I never even saw a picture of a naked man before I married.
Not to try to play my own therapist or sound as if I am finding an excuse of some kind, but from your take on the information you gave me....the only thing I can come up with was the fact that I missed the usual teenage "bad" days or rebelling. That is what I kind of felt like I was doing during my secreat EA....I felt like I was being a "bad girl" and rebelling against my life in some way. Now I have sins just like any other person, but as far as ....you know the "big" 5 sins that are at the top of most people's list.....I had not done that. I was the proper Christian young lady, then wife, then mother. So, when I discovered this secret "sin" and that it felt "good" at the time, and I had "fun" doing it.......it became very addictive. And when my H confronted me and told me to get rid of everything immediately......in my heart, I did rebell and felt like he was acting like a "father" to me. I resented if very much! Hummmmm.....interesting.
Something to think about. Like I said, I just failed to see anybody else post about that information. Interesting. Thanks.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well maybe you never got the chance to "explore" and grow during those young years.
Generally there is a major life change or stressor that triggers this and it is a very gradual entrance into the crisis.
Quote:
Not to try to play my own therapist or sound as if I am finding an excuse of some kind,
No, this is good that you recognize that something may have happened. You can learn a huge amount of great info. here by searching the posts in the mlc archives There are some very very wise people here. If you see someone with thousands of posts search their names and bring up their posts from the past. You will learn a ton.
Quote:
. So, when I discovered this secret "sin" and that it felt "good" at the time, and I had "fun" doing it.......it became very addictive. And when my H confronted me and told me to get rid of everything immediately......in my heart, I did rebell and felt like he was acting like a "father" to me. I resented it very much! Hummmmm.....interesting.
This is what a lot of the running and escape is all about during a crisis. It does become like an addiction or a quick fix from the pain.
I must now prepare you, after posting this you may receive some questions from others on your feelings or opinions about what you went through. After reading this some folks may want to pick your brain so to speak. Maybe, maybe not, I dont know for sure. If it happens, answer only what you are comfortable with.
Can't remember which thread it was in (see Trapt, Sandi, et. al., now I'v even confused myself by posting in several places!), but I was thinking about this whole validating thing I'm supposed to do while I'm working on me... Seems the only thing that she really wants validated is me agreeing with her that we should get a divorce. Surely, the validating can't extend to starting to go down that path with her. Sure, I can validate that I understand that's how she feels, but it doesn't mean I want to start going down that path cooperatively, does it? I still cringe when she is so B&W about things and refers to "when we tell the kids", etc...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Yes you need to validate her feelings and understand why she feels the way she does. No you don't have to agree with them. If she is in a MLC, She can't deal with her own feelings right now, so she can't even think about yours.
Never argue with her about her feelings. The may not make sense to most, where she is right now, they may not make sense to her, but they are real to her. This is just a way to try to make them disappear.
Don't bring up the D topic. If she does then try your best to keep your cool. Stay calm. Your wife will being watching you for any negative emotions. She will be looking to argue. Try not to fall into this trap. If she wants a D bad enough she knows what she has to do.
The everything is ok attitude is a front, she is hurting, she won't let you see it. You can't possibly think that someone filled with so much selfishness and anger is happy and ok with all of this. She thinks this is going to stop all the mess of emotions that she can't handle. It won't, but you can't tell her that.
Take things a day at a time. Take care of yourself and children. Do your best to be kind, but keep your distance and act like your going on with life. It's very tough, but you can do it.
Wanted to chime in if I could. I am going through this with my W, who is also with OM. Validation is huge with her, trying to convince herself that everything she is doing and has done is justifiable. It isn't, but you cannot argue anything with them. I am a troubleshooter by trade and trust me I tried. Sandi and a fe others have given me great advice and I have found out how to watch. Yes my W puts on the happy face. I have friends that are cklose to her, family that she sees occassionally and not one persn has said she is happy. Her act is a disguise. therapist told me that if she believes hard enough she will be happy in her mind. That is a load of crap. what I hope my W validates is that her happiness is right where she left it, with me and our kids. I have turned the corner on many levels and have really let go recently. It is hard, it is extremely hard to do, but once it is doen, you cannot go back. I understadn her emoions and I understand she is not in controlof anything. I have learned control and have learned to function independent of her. She has no responsiblities, has her weekend boyfriend and has recently started alienating her friends with her actions. I have been warned that her crash is coming, and I will only consider taking her back when she hits the bottom and relaizes what everyone else knows. Until then, I watch her try and justify her actions, like the Captain of the Titanic telling himself, its not that bad of a hole.
Okay, but riddle me this, how can I validate when she doesn't want to talk about her emotions (can't face them) doesn't want to talk about the R (she's "done"; "you know what I want, a divorce"), so there's nothing really to "validate", as there are no R discussions and, as I understand DBing, I'm not supposed to bring up R talk. It's surreal.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
You don't have to talk to understand her issues. Advice I was given never use the MLC term around her or near anyone who will feed it back to her. Major league no-no. You can validate her emotions by being supportive, not critical. And by being suportive I mean being there if she wants to talk, you listen, she talks. Let her decide the flow of the conversation. If she doesn't bring up R/M, then you don't either. Don't try yo "fix" her or to analyze her. Analyze yourself and the type of person you want to be. Ask yourself, I fI didn't have her, what type of person would I be, what would I like to do, what would I want to do?
This is advice I have received and it works. The pain will not leave, so use it to give yourself strength. Do not pursue her. Do not email or text bomb her. Let her contact you, give her space and time. Her only reason to come back is to miss you. and if you are always around the corner and she can see you, then she can't miss you. It works. I don't know how but it does. Try to get into the mainstream with friends. Practice not talking about it (hard to do) with anyone. I try and fail at this all the time.
Try not to obsess over her (again very hard to not do). Calm down, breath slow, handle each day as it comes. I am 4.5 months into this nightmare and never thought I'd get this far. Best of luck.
