Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives It's official.......what now?

dayuummmm straight..we are some helpful DAMS...that's all we want to do is help//let us do all the heavy physical lifting..now I'm not talking about emotional stuff...LOL..I'm talking physical..unless of course it's a man that hangs around this board..we are all in touch with out inner selves..We can do it all..LOL physical/emotional/DB...LOL

call CG..let him get the box down..christ on A PONY..

she's gonna make me drive to Atlanta..she's gonna make me drive to atlanta fore it's over with

Mishka, I didn't fall off, just buried myself in work and kids! Good stuff.

About CG, duh, call the guy and ask for his help. We all know you don't "need" help with any darn thing, but like the other posters said, men like to help. Men LOVE to feel like they accomplished something for someone they like!

I'm very happy that this is happening for you.


About Gabe, and the whole have Marc ask you about visitation thing, there are a couple of things I would address here.

The absolute most important thing is that he should never use Marc as a go-between, or put him in the middle of your discussions (negotiations,) about visitation, support, treatment or care, or any darn thing else.

I would make this an absolute boundary. He has no business putting Marc in the middle, when Marc is going through one of the most difficult and uncertain times in his life.

I would try to find a time where there are no visitation or custody questions pending, (say before Christmas...) call him, and tell him that Marc is in no position to act as a go between, that studies show that children who are put in that position overwhelmingly resent it later, and that it is better for Marc if the two of you decide those issues without his involvement. That Marc will feel better and less guilty about things if Mom and Dad "appear" to be on the same page and he will feel more secure and trusting if there is the appearance of cooperation.

I would offer to him that you can both do it by text MSG, and that you will commit to him that you will reply to him ASAP and without attitude. (I know you wouldn't have attitude anyway, but it's a peace offering / negotiation thing. )

I can tell you that the few times my X has used the boys that way ended up poorly. Once was about homework, once was about "wear these same clothes back home next week." Both times, the kids forgot to tell me until it was too late, and caused them some serious apprehension. NOT cool.



The second thing I wanted to tell you about, (I'm just about 6 mo ahead of you , ) is your X's issue with making unilateral decisions about Marc's time with him.

Based on his job and past employment, he expects to be in control.

He feels like you talk down to him b/c he is accustomed to you going along with him b/c he's "in charge."

Based on his clear MLC, it's a power play. Who is in charge here, and how much BS can I get away with.

These things play into each other.
I really hate to tell someone something that might generate conflict, but you should call him on it unless he contacts you with a request first.

I mean to say that if he contacts you a reasonable time prior, say a couple of weeks / days, depending on the situation, and asks for a change that doesn't screw up your schedule, agree each and every time. If it has the least negative impact on you, decline the change, tell him that it doesn't fit in with your plans. Being agreeable whenever possible makes it clear that when you decline, it's for a real reason, not just nastiness.

If Marc broaches a subject like that, call the X, resolve it with the absolute calm and grace that we know you are capable of, and tell him that you will not communicate through Marc b/c it is not good for Marc.



I'm lucky, I've only had to draw a couple of boundaries since the D, mostly b/c the first 2 were "I'll walk away or hang up if you talk to me like that," and no contact if it doesn't have to do with the kids.

Drawing boundaries is unbelievably frightening. Talk about being out on a limb, WOW.

Most of us have spent the past several years kowtowing to them in order to save our marriage!



Just food for thought, I go way out of my way to give the X EVERY consideration for custody / visitation / other issues, (which hasn't been reciprocated... soon I hope,) but she has been so suspicious of me due to the MLC that she has jumped on every "perceived" slight causing me to repeatedly explain myself to her.

Talk about bad taste in my mouth..... but what's good for the kids? I just keep trying to be the man I was before all of this.




Amen, there'll come a day for all of us though.... God I hope I can be kind.

Yes, men do love to be "needed". Performing AOS is huge for most men I know. Asking for help is NOT my forte. I can't stand to feel like I'm putting anyone out and I hate admitting that I just can't do something. It feels like a failure to me.

Dumb, I know, but that is just the way I'm programmed I guess. I'm working around it. I was planning on asking my cousin's sons if they would come and get the decorations down but I forgot to corner them on Thanksgiving. Now the middle one won't be home from college again until just before Christmas.

This has to be at least the 10th time since we've been S/D'd that I have told Gabe to please not ask Marc to ask me about anything as he doesn't get the message straight and it's not fair to him to be expected to. I have told him every time that I am only asking him to please ask me directly in order to keep Marc from feeling like he has to be responsible for his parent's parenting. That was the only phrase that I could come up with that Gabe may have responded to. Too much explaining or justifying and he shuts down completely!

I'll keep plugging away at it. This is going to stink but I only have to do it for 4 more years (maybe less since Marc really can decide now if he wants to go or not as he's 14). My only hope is that Marc can maintain a good R with his dad and that I can manage to someday have convo's with Gabe about Marc without Gabe immediately going on the defensive. That would be a plus.

Punkt - did you know Gabe got fired? Yes, fired! It's pretty tough for a cop to get fired but he managed it beautifully. Now he's working at a gas station part-time, not paying child support (per an addendum I had added to the settlement agreement to get him to sign the darned thing) until March, not paying any of the joint cc bills (NOT per our agreement but I'll give him until next month), not doing much of anything to help support his son. He has completely destroyed everything he once held dear in his life and for what? Oh well, I can't be bothered with his trauma - I have enough of my own.

(((mishka)))

Just stopping by to say hello and I hope you have a great day today,

L. xx

(((((Lisa))))))

thanks for checking in on me and the good wishes. Working in a couple of hours so the rest of my day will be shot, but such is life!

Strange thing today. Gabe dropped Marc off at 11:30a and when Marc came in he said that Gabe was waiting outside and wanted to know if I wanted help getting the Christmas decorations down from the attic. Darn it! I had to turn him down because I wasn't ready to do that. Bummer! I told him I wasn't ready today but thanks for the offer. DRAT!

Marc and I have been discussing Christmas plans since he got home. Thanks to you Donna, we are going to make those lanterns. I've already called a bunch of my friends and asked them to save their big cans. I hope I can get my hands on enough of them to make enough lanterns. Now I have to find wire hangars. I guess if I can't find the hangars I could use pieces of wire or something. Marc seemed really excited about making these and frankly so am I! Thanks for the wonderful idea!

I told Marc to make a list of 10 things he wanted for Christmas but that he would probably only get a couple of them. He said he's come up with some ideas and write them out for me. He knows things are tight and that this Christmas isn't going to be like it usually is. He seems just fine about that and I'm glad. He really is a pretty happy kid most of the time.

He was talking about Christmas morning breakfast and I told him I didn't know yet where he was going to be that morning. He didn't understand why not and I told him that our custody arrangement for this year has his dad having him until 9pm on Christmas Eve and then I have him until the New Year but because of our work schedules we may need to adjust that. We'll just have to wait and see. We might have to do our Christmas breakfast another day. He was ok with that too. Thank heavens!!!!! He's handling all of this really well so far. I know it's going to get tougher on him the more he's surrounded by it, but at least he's not going to be too shocked by the changes since I'm making a point of talking to him about it.

I am so grateful to all of you here for being so kind and loving toward me. I only hope that I can be half as helpful to all of you some day.

((((((Mishka)))))))

Hope work was good!

Marc is a pretty awesome kid. One thing to be grateful for.