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Mish, I agree with Donna, you cant expect to do it all and be perfect and calm and efficient and strong and smiling and supporting others and .., and.., and...

The emails Donna suggsted looked very good to me. I know that you get upset because you feel you have no control while Gabe is doing as he wishes and you have no choice to refuse. But look at the other side of this, isnt it good that Marc will be with his dad and you get a night with no worries? (well, figuratively speaking)

Take it slow, things may seem overwhelming but you can do it.
Love ya
K
Happy Thanksgiving!!

Hey Mishka,

Yeah, stop trying to be superwoman, its ok to cry, to fall apart, to not bake cheesecake! Let it slide. I havent opened my post for 3 weeks cos I couldnt face it (damn, got 2 court orders for unpaid bills!!! LOL).

I know your family are having a rough time, but you have had a bad time too.. you have lost a 19 year M and in a painful and condfusing way. You can support them.. they can support you.. stop plastering that mask on.. I'e seen what it has done to my ex, no good at all and it stops him getting truly close to people. Its just damaging and destructive. So, just go if you can, forget the food, forget the smile, be yourself. Yuo may get a hug off someone, who knows.

I agree about Marc too.. ok, he switches arrangements, but its posoitive that he DOES want to spend Friday night with his son and you get time off.

Also.. abotu your Mum, again.. is there any community help available to help you with her? Help with lifts? A day care centre? Any kidney charities in your area that arrange pick ups or activities? Or elderly charities? There is a lot of this in the UK, Dial-A-Ride and daycares and meals on wheels and all sorts, please look into getting more help for yourself and it will help your Mum to get a bit more socialised.

Just drop some of the balls Mishka.. you can pick them up again when you have the will to.

Al xxx

I'm sorry I was such a downer last night. Still feeling like crap, but at least I'm partially functioning.

Donna - Sorry I missed your call. Dumb new phone! I turned it on vibrate somehow and can't figure out yet how to get it off of there. Technically challenged some days.

Email would be a great thing if he had a computer. He doesn't. The broom doesn't. The only way he can get email is if he happens by the library and uses their computers. He has a yahoo address apparently. I have forwarded some of Marc's school stuff to him there and some job info. He's never replied from any of it so I have no idea if he ever got it.

The cheesecake is in the oven. I'm on my second pot of coffee. Yes, I said pot, not cup. Ugh! I still need to whip up the casseroles and cut up the fruit but I really don't need to do that this early. My family is VERY food oriented when it comes to holidays. That would be why I weigh what I do! They expect certain things from everyone. My cousin's big job is making the honey butter. I had a text from her last night (that I missed - again thanks to the vibrating phone issue) saying that making the honey butter was about to kill her. It reminds her too much of her mother and making it together. It's only been 1 month since my aunt died and then her MIL died less than 2 weeks ago so she's a bit of a mess. My job has always been to make dessert (some signature item - not your usual) and a few sides and one of the meats. I got out of the meat entirely this year because I whined. I got my sides list down to just 2 (from what is usually 4-5), and instead of making yeast rolls from scratch (which I usually do and it takes me a full day of baking to do enough), I am bringing fruit. I've made a lot of adjustments but I can't get out of all of this entirely. That's just the way my family is. Suck it up and keep rolling. No one is allowed to stand still for more than a moment. Work hard, play hard - should be our motto.

You all make excellent suggestions of ways to get help. Unfortunately, where I am, there is no help available. Fayette county, GA is one of the most affluent counties in the state, my city inparticular, and that keeps the special services away. They invest everywhere else because no one here is deemed as needy. My city had to buy out one of the only apartment complexes in town and turn it into "low-income housing" in order to qualify for any state funded aid for the schools. The rent there is no less than the rent for my house! From what I hear though, if you can qualify for public assistance then they lower the rent to income standard. Yes, I already checked, I don't qualify. Not even close! The annual salary they allow to qualify for assistance is so small, I have no idea how the people who do qualify are not already homeless before they apply. It's crazy.

But I digress.......I know I've said it before, I'm really not making excuses to take all this crap on myself, it just is what it is. There are a few van services that you can pay to take the elderly to appointments and such. Medicare (Ali & Kalni - That's federally funded healthcare for the elderly) will pay for some portion of a few of them. Mom won't allow it. She will not step outside of her comfort zone in any way and I can't force her to. She's so sick all the time and frankly I'm somewhat afraid of what might happen if she were to start bleeding after dialysis and I'm not there to help. That has happened so many times and I deal with it. I couldn't trust some annonymous van driver who isn't trained in how to handle a bleeding dialysis access to keep her from bleeding out. It's a bad situation in all - danged if you do, danged if you don't.

I'm sitting here listening to the sounds of my dryer running, the washer washing, the dishwasher whirring.......goodness! I've got every major appliance in my house going this morning. Oven is on, fridge is running (thank heavens!), and even the coffee pot has had a workout. Ok, I'll admit, I've got too much stuff going on.

I sincerely appreciate all of your efforts to give me support and encouragement. I know for certain that I would be in a much darker place without all of you. That is what I'm most thankful for on this Thanksgiving. The love and support of my wonderful friends here. You all bring such joy even through all of our suffering.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I'll be praying for each and every one of you today, and every day.

(((Hugs))) & xxxx
K

Happy Thanksgiving Generous, Sweet and Funny Mishka! I hope that CG realises today that he should give thanks to have yu in his life and comes over and plants a big kiss on you!

((((((hugs)))))

L. xx

You're funny Lisa.

No contact and I probably won't see CG again unless I happen to get a Thursday night off. Oh well, doesn't really matter. I'm not comfortable putting myself "out there" even in friendship with a man. It just seems awkward and unnatural.

I'm here, I'm cooking again. We took a break and decided not to have dinner until much later than we had planned because everyone ate too much at lunch while playing games - volleyball and cornhole (a kind of beanbag toss game). I sat with them and watched but didn't play. Marc played and was having loads of fun. I'm so glad. Maybe if they play cards tonight I'll play. I can't seem to get a smile on my face or even pretend today. Just want to go to bed but can't.

I swear..your lucky I don't live closer to you..

Christ on a pony..

Ok, I have to eat my words. No need to drive down here and wack me over the head Mike! I thank you for the possibility of it though.

I had managed to get myself cheered up. I was pretty happy with myself for it. I sat down before I left here with the casseroles and just looked at Marc while he was reading in the living room. He was smiling to himself over whatever he was reading and it made me so grateful to be able to have these moments with him. Moments his dad will never get to share. I was pretty glad about that because I'm sure Gabe wouldn't even appreciate them.

I got to my cousin's with all the food and we chowed down like we hadn't eaten in weeks! It was quite a free for all. We were sitting at the table afterward and joking about how we had to sit in order to keep breathing because we hadn't worn our fat pants. My phone started ringing and you won't believe this........I sure didn't......it was CG. He said Happy Thanksgiving! Waffle House, be there, 9pm. It was 8:30p right then. I had forgotten that we had told our waitress last week that if we were in town some of the usual group would stop by there to have coffee and visit with her since she said she was going to be sad without us. I told CG I'd be right there and he said he had his boys with him (they are 6 and 3 and such cuties). I stopped off at my house to pick up a pumpkin pie and some whipped cream I had extra and took it with me. He called me again and asked if I got lost (since it was now 9:15p). I laughed and told him I had stopped to pick up a pumpkin pie from home to bring to share. He said that was really sweet and couldn't wait to taste it. He was there with his kids, his former BIL (who is his best friend), his nephew, and a lady from the Friday night singles bible study I chickened out of last week. It was really nice, our waitress was thrilled to see us, the darned place was packed which totally shocked me, and I got some flirting in and met a new friend. All in all, it was a nice night.

I've got to get to bed. I've been conned into going shopping with my family in the morning. 4am at Kohl's. Why, I have no idea! I have no money, we just have made it a pilgrimage for years.

ROTFLMAO..

I swear...it's as plain as the nose on your face...

CG...CG CG

atta way CG..

It was indeed quite nice. Granted, we had planned this already and I had forgotten but he hadn't. That's saying something I guess.

Have a great night. I really have to try to sleep a little. We're meeting for shopping at 3:45a....that's in 3 hours.