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Peace,

She's just made up her mind and waiting for me to "give up" and then we'll get on with it. The OM (EA) claims not to have any "designs on her"... I think it's more to her than to him (unless they are both liars)...

With respect to your sitch, I can't fathom what he is trying to achieve. He needs the books more than you do. He doesn't seem to get that he has a role in all of this, too. Reading your description, and no offense to him, but the word "dense" comes to mind. I know that coming from a guy this is going to sound wierd, but sex is just sex -- without some emotion from both parties, what does he really get out of it? I may be being judgemental here, but he sounds completely self-absorbed and like he just doesn't get it. I'm waiting (perhaps in vain) for my wife to "want it" again, but I wouldn't ever try your husband's tactics as even as dense as I am, I know it would push her further and further away.

-AlexEN

Well good for you alex....trust me..the grab the butt approach and being smothering and disrespectful is NOT a big turn on - at least for me.

And trust me, I take no offense in the dense comment. Very much more polite than what is running through my mind.

After things like this happen, I can't fathom ever having my feelings return??? He has shown me over and over again some sides of him that I would NEVER be initially attracted to (25 years ago OR today)

And take no offense to this - I think your wife is being extremely selfish. Is she trying not to be 'The Bad Guy' here? is she waiting on you to decide, so she doesn't seem like the bad one in front of the kids?

(I think your wife is being extremely selfish. Is she trying not to be 'The Bad Guy' here? is she waiting on you to decide, so she doesn't seem like the bad one in front of the kids?)

Bingo...

That, I believe, is her goal at this point...

Good choice of words, too, as I wrote this yesterday on another thread: "She's, in her mind, just waiting me out until I "willingly go along with the divorce... so we can present united front to the kids." What scares her more than anything is looking "like the bad guy" to the kids (hence no public shows of affection in front of the kids, because by her not reciprocating it would make her look bad -- hmmm, and modeling a "loveless marriage" IS good for them?) so she's waiting for me to throw my hands up so it can be presented to them as a "mutual decision". I've told her I will not lie to them and if they ask if it's something I want, I would tell them "no, I do not want this; your mother does". That, to her, is perceived as a threat!"

I will re-emphasize the fact that she is being selfish.

She doesn't think the kids are smarter than that?

In my sitch..it comes down to ME being the bad guy because H doesn't want a D. BUT he's the one not willing to follow the program.

But I know for a fact (and I've had to learn things along the way) that the kids know what's going on. They don't really want to be pressured with it and involved in the drama. But they absolutely get it.

If I weren't following the program, I would fully expect my wife to walk (even if I do, I can't control if she does or doesn't, but I could reasonably expect her to stay if I didn't step up). Unfortunately, it is a two-way street and she is being selfish, and, in my case, not even aware of the program, let alone willing to follow it...

Kids actually under the impression things are better (we used to argue in front of them and don't anymore); not sure what they perceive, but I think her announcement will knock their socks off, but I could be wrong. Our little guy is very perceptive, but I don't know that he knows what ails him, so-to-speak.

Peace, how old are your kids?

Forgive my ignorance if you've already posted this...but have you brought up DBing to your wife? did she refuse to read it or hear it?

I just really dug into the book myself and H will have nothing to do with it.

OH! I correct that statement..he skimmed through it to prove a point, because he was SURE it would state in there that I needed to have sex with him.

Sandi, I think, and others have strongly advised my against bringing DB or DR up to her.

Alex, what thread are you using now and where is it? I will come look. You should google on living in limbo and womens infidelity. Read what you find and see if the provides any insight.

hey down....i need your input on what i posted earlier today..

Alex...i guess i can see that point now. Didn't know how you've arrived at this point before her A(s). But I get that if she's not even thinking of your M and only thinking of her right now - it's not going to do anything.