Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Stage 2.25

Hey ITH..

Maybe it was a leaker!? You know, how things leak out, but he couldnt say it to you..?? It is pretty amazing how things have calmed down... and the fact that he hasnt again referrd to the horrible convo.

Shame about brining yp your friends house, but then, maybe its not that big a deal.. so, do you HAVE to go and housesit (would that be a shame to have to do that right now, or would it be a good thing, to give him some space to miss you?). I suppose seeing as things look like they are going really well, you'd be better off staying put. I like that you were browsing for watches online together, as thats quite an inclusive thing for him to do with you, isnt it.

Keep us posted! Keeping my fingers crossed for you...

Al x

Hi Ali,

Thanks for your post. Yeah the ILY could have been a leaker especially as he was drinking...:).

I actually don't have to go and housesit, but I do need to tell my friend ASAP if I need someone else to feed the cat. Of course I can always take a cab there on my lunches if it comes down to it and feed the cat while not actually staying there. I really think the best thing for my sitch is to stay put, but only if H somehow asks me to. I'm still waiting for some kind of inspiration in terms of how to handle this. Basically I have until tomorrow night as my friend leaves on Wednesday night.

I do like the browsing for watches thing too. He even made comments about things like how if we bought X model we'd have to take turns wearing it and how silly that would look sharing 1 watch between us. So it's the little things that add up. Although the best part of the night was when he was IMing with his cousin and used the sweet nickname for me and told her that he had me sitting there with him. She was looking for help on booking a hotel. It's the normalcy that really matters...

Thanks for the good wishes Ali. I'll definitely post with any updates, though I suspect things will be moving quite slowly for awhile now.

ITH

Slowly is good. Especially when it comes to good times and good things! It sounds like you are having many small enjoyable moments.

I am so happy for you. You really have earned your current position. I really think it is positive that he is telling others that you two are together.

Glad you are able to focus more on work. It is hard to when all you can think about is your H!

Hi Opt,

Thanks for that. Of course things are still a bit strained. We don't kiss or hug or anything, which definitely hurts, but at least he doesn't avoid me in bed the way that he used to.

I've decided to try and not house sit after careful, obsessive reflection. Now I just need to word things in the right way. Last night he asked if I was "visiting my friend's cat soon", and asked some details about the cat. It was kind of weird. I should have taken that opportunity to talk more, as he seemed like he wanted to talk. He didn't ask me any details. I may just say that I am going to feed the cat at lunch, even though I know this deserves a real conversation. I think I'll see if it comes up again tonight...

Fingers crossed that these calm moments continue!

ITH

(((ITH))) I am just catching up!

Stern teacher voice...


You are repeating past negative behaviour here. This very much reminds me of when you first came here and were a bit controlling and were wanting to control the situation and have things on your terms because that made things easier for you (I *totally* understand that need) but it doesn't work. That was what was going wrong in your sitch before and it was what I used to do before the second bomb. You need to let go, stop trying to plan and go with the flow. And why would talking about it work? You said yourself the last r talk you had was horrible. Show it in your actions. Don't push anything; you are not in a position to yet imo.


You know what works, he feels more affectionate towards you when you go away and come back again. Don't be scared to do this, you are giving him space which is what he has asked for all along.


After you being away at your friends for a short period of time...


Remember this is comforting for *you*. Is this comforting to your h? What is his LL? What can you top up for him that he won't even realise you are doing?


Don't expect, in all honesty he may well panic again and throw something at you. You are still early on in the process. Yes, be prepared for this and yes, it will hurt if it happens but remember to act AS IF. This would be a great tool here.


I know you don't want to but I really would. Even if it is just keeping the cat company for a few days. Don’t devote all your time to him, it didn't work before and made you more vulnerable. Nothing is going to get worse if you go and time is your friend! (yep, remind me of that later please ) Opt is right, slowly is good, slowly is what you really want although I know your head and heart are screaming out to fix it.

Oh ok, I see you have decided not to house sit... I'm going to leave it in there as I still think you should but it is your decision and you are in the situation and know it best He showed interest in the cat, instead of feeding it at lunch why not go round after work and feed it and stay a few hours. This will give him time to study/ play computer games whatever he does and then be ready for you when you come back.

I'm so pleased things are better at the moment!

I was going to say what Julia said !!

I agree, there has to be some compromise there, perhaps, go round for a few hours? You dont really need to stay overnight, for a cat do you? Or is she worred about getting burgled , so really did want you to housesit?

I suppose he has bought it up twice now, so he is cognisant of it and is wondering whethere you are going or not, but yes, very awkward for you that he wont just SAY! But thats these DAMs for you.

I think you should just be aiming to reduce negativity (I am not sure you are in stage 2.5 btw, I thought I was, back in the summer, but I realise, we were more 1.5.. we werent even true friendship as I had NO idea what he was thinking. Also, the way he sits 'near' you on the sofa but no touchong, thats exactly what my ex did evertime he came round. I think if he was more tectile in these sitches, in a non-s*xual way, then, yes, 2.5)..what I am trying to say is, dopnt try and run before you can walk? MC might have to wait until the Nw Year, or spring even? Just aim to continue building trust in being around one another for now? And taking time out, as Julia said, may help with that?

Still rooting for you girl !

Al x

Hi Ali and Julia,

Julia-what I am going to do in terms of house sitting is sort of leave it up to him and ask him to ask me for space in a way if he wants it. I am going to let him know that I have the keys and can go there when it suits us. I really, truly think the reason we made progress was not me leaving, but the fact that I sent him the email about him moving out, and then the fact that we have been spending time together and have not had any fights or disagreements of any kind. I agree about the MC thing. I am not going to push for this right now--it is just something that I would like. Yes in terms of the dinner and such where he was more affectionate afterwards, this was after a few hours of me doing my own thing. I agree that I can't hang around him all of the time, and I am really not doing this at all. On weekends I make plans without him, and on weeknights he's gone late 2 nights a week, and there are really only 2-3 nights where we are even around each other much, but even then it's 2-3 hours at most given our commutes. Oh in terms of the boiler, he started that conversation, and I think he likes things like that too. He had done research on what the problems might be, so wanted me to share his findings with the repairman. I am pretty sure H's LL is words of affirmation, so I really do try and do this as much as possible, but it can be hard when I can't gush too much...I could go around and feed the cat in the evenings I suppose. This isn't a bad idea. I agree with the idea that things should go slow. I am just unsure why things need to go slow in different houses. I don't think that they do, but will defer to H on this if he decides to actually let me know what he wants :).

Ali--yeah not sure about which stage we are actually in, but there has been no real negativity in 2 weeks. In bed he rubs my nose pretty much every night, and sitting on the couch he pets the cat over me, if that makes sense, and is sort of touching me. There is still a lot that remains unspoken, but I do feel like we are friends again, even if there is still a lot of pain there...I am trying to increase positivity I guess at this point, and I think very slowly this is happening...

In any case I'll keep everyone posted on how I handle the house sitting. I was thinking of just sending a quick email and making it sound all casual something around how I have the keys now, but I think I'll play today by ear, see how it goes, and then maybe bring it up tomorrow instead.

ITH

Playing it by ear is a good thing you are the one that is living the situation. Do you have anymore sessions with Jody coming up?

Hi Julia,

No sessions with Jody scheduled in the near future...I think I am going to also play that by ear :). At the moment I'm not feeling the need for a coach, but if I'm thrown a curveball or don't see any improvements in the next 4 weeks or so, then I may call in the expert!

ITH

Hi ITH,

I just had my session with Jody- number 6! I bought two of the three session packages. I haven't signed up for more at this point, but am sure that I will need some in the future. It was almost 2 months since my last session, which I see as a sign of progress, since those first 5 came really fast (ie panic).

I wonder like you when /if ever that my H would agree to C. I would love for it to happen in the next few months. I am not comfortable bringing it up, and I guess this is indicative of the stage we are in. Hopefully this will come in time.

I've often wondered if we can use Jody for a joint session- or if she will talk to them individually? I think in some instances that is considered a conflict since they have already talked with us?

Well, I guess for now just focus on living life as well as possible. I just re-read the thread Film Study- What Worked on the Newcomers board. Good reminder. Re-read it again if you get a chance.

Hope yor day is going well.