I have lots to learn about what not say, I wish he wouldnt' tell me where they go and what they do, but I also dont' want him to feel like he can't talk to me.
My D18 has just started telling me things.....I agree that there are many things I wish I didn't know! Just trying to be a good listener and not make judgements (or at least not verbalize my judgements to D18!!!) She is more perceptive than I have given her credit for...
havent posted in a while, here is a horrible update, any suggestions/help appreciate it.
Gf is living with stbx full time
In a month her 2 kids will come to live with her, d5 will share room with her d9 and my s10 with her s6. A disaster in the making.
MIL just called me telling me she saw a huge engagement ring on GF (their is 2mths old at best)
S10 taking it even worse, he was the one telling me about her kids moving in, before he knew it he told me he would live with me if her kids were to live there or if her dad married her, well, both things are going on.
When alone stbx half listens to my suggestions, but later I guess gf talks him out of it, he wont even take my calls today (no, his stuff STILL in my house), he stays whatever I need to tell him to text him!!1 how can i discussed the hurt of my son or reason with him over one liners over the phone???
I'm just baffled at his stupidity and rashness, gf obviously has found her meal ticket (her kids at in MS, will be coming to stbx's after December) I really thought he couldnt' surprise me anymore.
We already put down visitation on the sep. agreement, and short of hiring a L and fighting him my son will have to go to his house (mon-weds morning and every other sunday). I know my son needs his dad, but I dont' want to force him to go, stbx says he just cannot get his way and not see his own father.
aRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Trying hard to have faith to be able to help my babies, I did find a Rainbows group which actually is organized by a church of my denomination, I will be taking kids there when they start their sessions in January. For now I gues I'll send a phone # to stbx of a C so he can go with my son.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
His R with the kids really isn't your R to manage. His living arrangements aren't really any of your business. Unless something has legal repercussions, leave him alone and stick to your legally enforceable agreement.
It seems STBX has a good idea: stick to texting. If you need to say more, send an email. Quit trying to control his life and his choices. They are HIS life and HIS choices and he has made clear that he does not want your input. MYOB.
As for his stuff, ignore it until the deadline for him to remove it. He has the settlement agreement, he should know when the deadline is. If his stuff isn't gone by the deadline, text him that it will go on Craigslist in 48 hours. Then if it isn't gone, post it on Craigslist as one lot for free or some low price, taker must take ALL at one time, and then you won't have to pay anyone to get the stuff out of the house.
In brief, as far as STBX goes: Stick to the legal agreement and MYOB.
As far as your kids go: do what you can for them within your APPROPRIATE sphere of influence. The support group is a great idea!
Yuck, just yuck. OT is right...when you can stop caring about his actions completely, this stuff won't be nearly as maddening. What's the old line? Focus on you and the kids. Forget X--you deserve peace, and you're the only person who can catch it for you.
It's hard to turn that caring instinct off--especially for you: a lovely, nurturing, loyal, determined woman...but you have to do it for you.
wish I could just just say "I dont' care what he does" but if he what he does will affect my kids I can't just not say anything, stbx's living arrangements will affect my kids greatly. My son is hurting, I can't just mind my own business. I need to do ALL I can to try to make this easier on my son, my son does not want to go to his dads, I'll have to practically force him to go, and that is something I dont' want to do unless I've done all I can. And I guess, sadly, other than asking stbx to let me keep kids longer is all I'll be able to do. I'm looking right now for a good C, will send the phone # to stbx because other wise he'll never find one on his own.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Of course you care what STBX does. His actions affect the kids. But they are HIS actions and HIS choices to make. Trying to control his actions and his R with the kids is not going to help the kids.
Texting and email work fine for reporting basic information: "S is angry and does not want to visit." That is useful info for STBX to have when he sees son.
It is when you try to do more than that that you get frustrated with the communication. Let go of trying to control STBX's R with the kids. Sadly, they are going to have to adjust and you are going to have to accept that you can't do that for them.
Consider that right now by wanting to indulge your son you risk coming between him and his father. You risk creating a dynamic in which you are right and STBX is wrong. You look to be supporting a view of the situation in which you are the victim and his father is the bad guy. You are putting your son in a position in which to love you properly he has to reject his father. Son darn well knows you like it when he says things against his father's actions and against the GF. Indulging him by trying to keep him from his father reinforces that for him, and proves further to him that he really does need to be anti-them to be pro-you. If you really want what is best for your son, don't let him be in the middle of this crap in this way.
Visitation and custody schedules shouldn't be his choice (and aren't legally). It shouldn't even be something that he feels is on the table. He doesn't need the stress and burden of trying to figure out how to manage that choice while still loving his father and supporting you.
If you really want C to be successful for the kids, don't try to force it on STBX. Let the kids go to the C. Text STBX a simple report: "FYI, kids have C appointment on Tuesday at 9 with Dr. Cathy, phone, 555-5555." Let the C handle making recommendations about whether you or their father should join them. Stay out of managing STBX's side of things.
And if you really want to help your kids, then help them feel it is OK to love you and STBX both without judgment. Tell them it is OK for them to love their father. Tell them it is OK for them to like, even love, his GF. Tell them you know they have enough love for everyone and you want them to have a great R with their dad.
OT, I have never put myself as the victim nor his dad the bad guy, the worst I've said is that sometimes adult make bad choices too (when son asked me why they weren't married and were sleeping together, I won't gloss over that).
And no, I've ***never** bad mouthed either stbx nor gf, I'm actually trying to help him accept her, I tell her about my own nice step mom and my nephew's step mom, that even if gf looks different (tattoos, tongue stud) he has to try to see beyond that. I have told him that it's a situation that he'll have to accept because his dad's R seems to be a serious one.
I honestly dont' think adding 2 kids into the mix who dont' know each other is a great idea-- and yes, I know, I can't do a d@mn thing about it. I feel sorry for those kids already. I still think having more time with me will help s10 get used to the new people. I told him that his dad would never bring someone he wouldnt' trust or who would hurt them, that he is lonely and that having a bad attitude wont make his dad get rid of gf (my son thinks that by sulking it will happen), it will just make it miserable on everyone.
Well, I'm reviewing my choices and I guess there isn't much I can do, it's going to be a mess and nothing I can do will prevent my kids from dealing with the pains of a blended family with a father who doens't know his head from his butt (my opinion which I only share her not with kids).
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, I'm reviewing my choices and I guess there isn't much I can do, it's going to be a mess and nothing I can do will prevent my kids from dealing with the pains of a blended family with a father who doens't know his head from his butt (my opinion which I only share her not with kids).
That is pretty much the bottom line. I think OT had some good advice in there. Maybe a little more straight-forward and to the point than people in our sitch want to hear, but it is correct. For some reason we still have unrealistic expectations that the STBX or X will see things our way. They won't.
I constantly have to remind myself to not react to what the X is doing, instead I need to react to what the kids are doing/saying.
Texting as primary means of communication has worked out lovely for me over the last week. She tries to call (why I'm not sure) but I avoid them, so we are sort of opposite. My stress level is much lower when I don't talk to her. I don't get my hopes up that she will start thinking about anyone but herself. Of course that is MY take on it, hers is completely different and I need to remember that. You too...
Of course that is MY take on it, hers is completely different and I need to remember that. You too...