Mattie; army-Navy game is next weekend. I have Reserve drill and we'll watch it there. Both teams are awful, but it's more than a game.
Happy, good point about SLB. D18 plays both sides of the fence, howling to STBX about me accusing her of stealing money. She ended up entering into my old house and taking some of D16's cosmetics this weekend. I got the stuff back, and will confront D18 on the ride back to college today. STBX said she will have D18 arrested if she finds out she was in the house again. D18 asked for $10 to go out last night. I refused, telling her she already had stolen money from me.
Back to mediation tomorrow. Happy Holidays! Ugh...I'm down today. Tournament was great. I saw a bunch of "two parent" attendees, and it made my heart heavy. I often think how long it would take to get to the point where I would ever be in another relationship. Ugh...overwhelming. Better to live day-to-day.
I saw a bunch of "two parent" attendees, and it made my heart heavy. I often think how long it would take to get to the point where I would ever be in another relationship. Ugh...overwhelming.
FLTC, don't let this be overwhelming. Just be yourself, do the things you love and be open to meeting new people while you do it. When you least expect it, you will find that special someone.
If you take the right lessons from this sitch, that new R will be oh so much better than the last one!
Hey, I would be happy if I could realistically pursue another R, but living with the STBXW is not really a good place to launch a healthy R from... do ya think! Anyway, misery does love company.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Thanks, SD. The holidays are particularly bad, and this weekend ended horribly.
I'm pretty sure D18 broke into STBXs home over the weekend and took some of D16's cosmetics. STBX asked me to address it with her. I found a pair of tweezers I thought was stolen, and returned it to D16.
D18 vehemently denied it. Now what? A pair of tweezers. STBX stated that if D18 enters the house again, she'll have her arrested. STBX asked me to call her regarding the results. I had a 4 hour drive to take D18 back to school, and a 4 hour ride back, so I didn't immediately call her.
STBX calls with about an hour left in my drive, and asked what happened. I told her.
She then launched into "20 questions" about D18 "following the contract she set up as a pre-rquisite to go to college"
Has she been following it? Not from the standpoint of going to AA meetings or seeing the counselor in the counseling center, who she hates. SHE APPARENTLY HAS As AND Bs IN EVERYTHING, which is what I choose to look at. Yes. She signed a contract, but I prefer to concentrate on the positive; The As and Bs.
STBX then launches into "Well, is it or is it not a contract? You just don't not follow a contract, you renegotitate (You mean like your marriage "contract"?)
I say I prefer to concentrate on the grades, which are tangible proof of something going right. I said I'm not willing to stop supporting her because she isn't going to counseling or AA.
She then launchs into "not wanting her money going to keep D18 in a place where she's not living up to her contract"
I pointed out most of the tuition is my money. She then launches into "I only have the money because SHE supported me in my career ambitions". UNCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I then called D18 (mistake) to tell her she needs to follow the contract or her mother is not going to pay her portion of he tuition. I SHOULD HAVE JUST SHUT MY MOUTH!
I WAS/AM FUMING!!!!!!!!! TO TOP IT OFF, MEDIATION CONTINUES TODAY. HELP! I need some quick advice. STBX is relentless, and I still let her push my buttons.
(((FLTC))) Hopefully you'll get your quick advice from someone with some good advice to give. That's not me this morning.....I still react to my ex pushing my buttons as well!
Avoid 'triangles' (google triangle fixer relationships for more examples). For example you have a triangle going between yourself, your spouse and your 18 year old. You have a 'fixer', a perpetrator and a victim. Whenever the fixer tries to do something to 'help' the other two, the fixer is the one who steps in poo. The communication should be in straight lines.. between you and your spouse, between you and your daughter, between your spouse and your daughter.
Alcoholics, any one with an addiction, is using their drug of choice to self medicate, not to feel the emotion, to handle the elephant in the living room that no one talks about. Addictions can be alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, sugar, gambling, shopping, sex, cybersex, porn.. anything that someone turns to continuously to numb out, to get in a zone where nothing exists.
One daughter is supposed to go to AA meetings and be in counseling. Another daughter has aneroxia. There's conflict at home. The kids are acting out. They are the barometer of your family. They are sacrificing themselves.
I was in a similar situation. I zoned out on online chat. I was compulsive. Sugar was my drug of choice. Both of those kept me what I thought was sane. My spouse worked incredible hours and got home late. He'd withdraw with the remote in hand, laptop on and read all at the same time. He was triple shielded from me, the kids. Our oldest kept all our attention focused on him.. rebelling against authority, running away one night, getting high. His actions kept his dad and I working together.
We focused on what was wrong with our son rather than looking at ourselves as the problem. I was in an eating disorder group. I watched a teenage girl waste away because of issues her family never dealt with.
I hated that I was the one who had to change. I hated feeling the blame was all my fault. I was told.. Heal yourself and everything else follows. It did. Eliminating sugar (which revved up my thinking and kept me hyper) and the distraction, escape of online allowed me to feel, to focus on what I ran away from. I found it wasn't a penance to be a better person but a privilege. My relationship with spouse got better, my son improved.
With any addict, they face consequences for their actions. If what your daughter does drives you crazy, go to Al-Anon meetings. You learn how to cope, what to do.
Take care of you.. get healthy. Everything else will follow.
*hugs*
PS.. as far as mediation goes, ask your lawyer what is the norm in the state of Connecticut for your situation. Your spouse has the resources of what sounds like a very successful lawyer at her back. Have yours man or woman up. Know your rights and your expectations. If you aren't happy with where it's going you can always go to to collaborative divorce where two lawyers work between each other.
It seems like you're paying too much. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband has a high level job. He's only obligated to give me 42% of his salary which includes child support for our minor daughter, not the children 18 and older. That is the best case scenario. When my daughter is 18, the percentage goes down to 30% for me. Doesn't matter what my expenses are or the contributions I made to his career. It's a formula the legal system follows.
Make your lawyer work for you, to make sure you're not giving away the bank. After all, you don't need a court mandate to tell you how to treat your children. And that's all mediation, divorce do. They decide what your obligations are.
Wow. Great advice! My daughters are hurting. They watched me almost check out permanently. They've watched their mother be a "booty call" for her boss, who is still married. They lived without me in their lives for 18 months, with 12 of it being in the cauldron of Iraq at the absolutely worst time to be there. It's Christmas, and there are only three of the five stockings on the fireplace. I saw it yesterday. Ughh.
I'm not in a good place today. My STBX is relentless.
I get the contract stuff, but if D18 is NOT in school, there's NOTHING out there for her. Do we focus on the negatives or the As and Bs? I choose the As and Bs.
A divorce, however, may change where she goes to school. Part of the $4200 I give to STBX goes to her tuition. It's $24K a year. She got accepted into UMASS and UCONN, but didn't want to go to either! Both were cheaper than where she goes in NH! She may have to feel the financial sting of the divorce by transferring. Not my first choice, but..........
Our oldest is brilliant but was an underachiever among everything else. We weighed the options of him going to a private university or state school. My feeling was that I wasn't going to spend $40K for him to learn how to party better. He could go to a state school and transfer if his grades made him eligible. That was a consequence of his actions.
His grades were all over the place. He figured out exactly the GPA he needed to transfer and he got it. Unfortunately the minimum GPA went up .25 points and he was outta luck. Oops.
Somehow he managed to be permanently banned from all dorms at the university. He switched over to another school. He and his long term girlfriend broke up. His grades tanked. He started believing that he was a failure, that we were idiots for saying how smart he was. I instituted the following.. He took out a loan for his tuition. We paid his room and board. At the end of the semester, if he had a 3.0 or higher, we paided the loan off. If it was lower, it was his to carry. That was a consequence.
You have many options with your daughter. There is not doubt she's an intelligent young lady. Alcohol abuse, lying and stealing only increase over time if left unchecked. She is the one who has to want to get healthy. All the arguing, angst you and your spouse for and about her do nothing. You may decide a college education is a privilege not an entitlement. Although intelligent, she may be irresponsible. A consequence of her actions may mean a semester, two or how ever many it takes at a community college where she has to meet the clearly defined objectives you set forth. If she does X, Y, Z.. she's allowed A, B, C. You work with people knowledge in drug abuse/addiction to set up the parameters. She's out of whack because your family dynamics are out of whack.
You have no control over her actions.. just your actions. You get healthy, you show the kids you're safe. They'll relax and feel calmer.
In junior year our oldest (who was doing great in college) ran afoul of the law. I got to do the whole find a lawyer (didn't have a clue), drive up and down to his college, take him to court thing. I (not my spouse) took away the car and made him move into a dorm for the remaining three weeks of the semester which ended up costing @$1200 for 3 weeks. He could no longer be in an apartment the following semester.
When the case came to trial, the DA was so impressed by the actions I took, that what my son did was treated seriously that he was given a short probation for a semester.. to stay out of trouble.
Prior to that, my son had been adamant about us not visiting or coming home. With all the legal stuff, I was up there once a week if not more. We'd have time together. I started asking him if he'd like to have lunch on occasion. He did and I'd go up on average two to four time a month. Drive up the hour and a half, visit for an hour and half and then drive back. It was something he looked forward to.. and so did I.
It's a multi step process. Actions have consequences. You don't be a Nazi.. just matter of fact. Yet you provide the opportunity to just be with your child.
Part of the issue is that STBX and D18 cannot be together for more than an hour or two under any circumstances. It is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT. She seems to be doing very well academically, which is where I put my money, unfortunately, divorce may make a $2400/month tuition bill very difficult.
F, There are loans. Yes, you would like to have her go and not incur any, but in fact going to a private school IS a privilege.
I don't like the way your W went about things, but there is a contract for your D. I think it is great that she has figured out a way to get As and Bs, which could lead to some privileges, but there should also be a consequence for not following up with the counseling. Her stealing and being out all night shows that she does still need that. Other than ripping her away from her school (which does not serve the purpose), what can be a LOGICAL consequence? She is already barred from going into her mother's house....maybe it is taking out a loan to pay for part of school? Hell, offer her a "bonus" if she goes to counseling! She obviously would like more money...or it could be that skiing that she wanted (you will have to tell W that if she wants to see real change in her, skanky can't undermine either of you for PAYING for stuff that she hasn't earned! No more cars or ski trips!!)
It could also mean that she does have to transfer to UCONN, and tell her why. But make it about her actions, not the divorce. Because she can take out the loans if she really wants to stay there. Making it about the divorce is really more about your anger over the sitch than her behavior...
Good luck today! It might be worth a call to your L BEFORE you go, just to run through a couple of the ideas that you have. Be prepared (said the Girl Scout)
