I went to C today, she really seems to think that there are deeper issues with W, I have to agree. I think that she has a very deep resentment of men. I may not do as much as she would like, but I am pretty sure I'd stack up reasonably well in the H standings. C also thought that her opposition to ever moving back into our room full time was a big red flag. Again, I'd have to agree. There's something deeper here. I have to say, I've at times wondered if perhaps her orientation isn't what it first appears to be. It would explain a lot. I may be thinking way too deeply there!
(((((Michelle)))) The securities are certainly linked. It does seem that she has no real need to feel loved. Or, she gets enough from the kids?
Looking for a mattress might be an interesting plan. And then surprising her with it, when the time is right. Hmmmm.....
Hey Jeff, you know I try to give your w the beneift of the doubt but sometimes she just makes me want to scream!
I would say that you stack up quite well in the h department. My h takes out the garbage. That's it. But I guess you do things that arent a priorty for her rather than the things that are.
And let me ask you something. What if you hated clutter, were really bothered by it and your w kept clutter everywhere? How would that make you feel?
And she does seem like a very cold person. You have to go with your gut on whether she dislikes physical closeness and intimacy. That could be a lonngggg road ahead for you if she does.
It is so hard to answer that...... I think I'd see past the clutter, or maybe try to keep an area for me that was clutter free. I don't think I would "punish" my spouse but effectively becoming a roomate, if that. I'm not saying there isn't a problem, but I don't think her solution is very appropriate. Or very motivating, for that matter.
This could be a long road, if we even get started on it.
Hey Jeff, first off congrats on getting any response so quickly from your letter to W. Very well done!!
You see the changes in your W already - right?? She actually noticed AND acknowledged some nice things you did for HER. What a 180 for W! Don't push her too hard, let HER changes settle in to be a new behavior pattern.
You have it all worked out about dinner who is shopping, who is cooking what, when it is. What about cleanup? are those details worked out? will the boys chip in and help? everyone should do their part!
What is your W's parents like? what is their R for a role model? Your W has some deep issues for sure. Do you know if she was molested as a young girl? would she have ever admitted that? Also, she also lives in a house with 5 males, and just that could result in some resentment against males but I don't think to the level she holds it.
Go get a mattress! you've been talking about that for a year or more! Don't do it for W although it would take away one excuse for her to move back to the bedroom, do it because you are important! Go to a store that offers free financing and deferred payments for 6 months or a year and then your cc will be paid off before you pay for a mattress. BTW, what kind of mattress do you have in mind?? True I haven't shopped for a mattress for years but you make it sound like you're spending as much as a new car!
W wants to sell the house. Then what?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
(((((Jeff))))) One day at a time....one step at a time. Try to make the good times good and ignore her when times are bad. Now is the time to DB your butt off!
M is give and take...and you've been doing all the giving....let her have a chance to give something back!
I don't know? Just thinking out loud....
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I've at times wondered if perhaps her orientation isn't what it first appears to be.
If this means what I think it means, then it would certainly explain A LOT!
Did you mean that you think she may want to 'bat for the other team'?
I have often wondered if there was some sexual trauma in the past for her that you do not know about.
(((((mishka)))))
That's what I meant!
I wonder about the trauma, as well. She has never said a word.
(((((WCW))))) We need to talk about the cleanup. I think that we will clean afer ourselve in the cooking, the boys should do the cleanup after. Usually that means I do it, I will put a stop to that.
I will have to think about just getting a mattress. This might be a good time. Of course, she will tell me that I should not have, or see it as pressure. I need to think carefully on that one. A good idea that could backfire, without a lot of imagination. She will be looking for reasons to be upset with me, I think.
She wants to sell the house, and get something smaller. She thinks it will be easier to take care of. Outside, perhaps, inside, I don't think so. I think she is trying to run away. But it I don't let her, that's my fault, too. Right now, there is a good reason not to, we'd take a bath on it.
(((((BA))))) Thinking out loud is good! I'm trying hard to have no expectaions. That might make me sound negative at times, but I don't mean it that way!
What is your W's parents like? what is their R for a role model? Your W has some deep issues for sure. Do you know if she was molested as a young girl? would she have ever admitted that? Also, she also lives in a house with 5 males, and just that could result in some resentment against males but I don't think to the level she holds it.
Hmmmm..... I like her parents. But..... Before I knew them, I know that her father drank to much. I get the feeling he may have been physically abusive or close to it to her mother. (I don't know, I am just putting together snippets I've heard over the years, mostly a long time ago.) I think that her mother issued some kind of ultimatum, and he actually fell in line. I don't know the whole story. I'm almost certain there are lingering issues, quite possibly some that I don't know about, and never will.
Living with the 5 guys certainly didn't help her attitude, the attitude predates the kids. All of us being guys may amplify it, but it was already there.
I'm so excited to hear about all the communication that is happening with your W. Even if some of it is REALLY confusing, she is TALKING to you. that is GREAT.
I think you getting up earlier for your own reasons is a GREAT idea. I get the feeling that you and W avoid each other a lot and I wonder if the different bedtimes/wakeup times is another part of avoiding each other. If you are awake more of the same hours then it's possible you could spend more of those hours together....
I REALLY think you should get a NEW MATTRESS. I'm with the others, you've been talking about it for over a year!! Or do SOMETHING... even if you can't yet get exactly what you want, could you get a memory foam mattress topper to make it better? Or get a new IKEA mattress (and then later use it as a guest mattress)? Prices on everything are dropping too, so it should be a good time to buy one.
I don't know if this has already come up on your thread, so please forgive me if I am bringing up something I missed. But there seems to be a lot of resentment between you and your W. Not just from her to you, but also, from you towards her. Am I reading this right? She seems content to be dissatisfied. Why?
I think you could be right about the hours we keep being a way to avoid each other. I'm going to see if I can change things a bit. It will be a challenge for a real night owl!
I think I like the idea of a foam topper. I might like it, too! Time to go shopping!
I do have some resentment... I resent the way she has chosen to handle our troubles. But, I think I get over my resentments way better than she does. As far as I can tell, once she resents something, it is stuck, and permanent. I can't even remember what I resented last week!
