Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Leaving happy behind, looking for contentment...

I am having an 'ok' morning...feeling a little crappy. Trying to figure out how I want these next few days to go...

H at first said he wasn't sure he would go to my family's Thanksgiving, b/c he felt uncomfortable when he knew that they knew what he had done to hurt me and mess things up....

Then he said never mind, he would go, I think mostly so the kids don't ask him why he is not going...

Then I am going to his family celebration on Saturday with his parents, grandparents, and one aunt/uncle and their kids (their kids are our age), plus his 2 sisters and their kids. So there will be like 25 of us there...

I always liked hanging out with that particular group, we haven't gotten together in 5 years I think. We play cards, eat, talk, etc etc

Then on Sunday is my sister's D5's birthday party. H hasn't said whether he will go I am sure he does not want to.

So the question is

DO we play happy family this week and go with the flow, or what?

The thing is, it isn't hard at all for us to spend the day together as a family, we do it a lot. But at the same time to me it feels deceptive b/c we are around all of these people acting like things are fine when really H is just waiting to find a place so he can move out.

On one hand, I think, having nice 'family' time could reinforce to H how much we do have going for us. On the other, I feel like it just keeps me in the role of loving doormat, willing to keep quiet and act 'as if' so I don't ruffle any feathers and make my H uncomfortable.

Thoughts??

Good Morning!!
I dont know Bbj, I just dont know. To me it seems he had enough time so far to figure out what you guys have going for you. You think another week would make a difference?

I would say, just do what you would feel better with. Do what would make YOU feel stronger. Forget about what these holidays could trigger in his mind. We know things dont work as we wish they would.

I want a coffee, Stabucks, Frappuccino Caramel, please?
love ya
K

Guss sometimes I just feel like the wet blanket here, like I am going to throw a glass of cold water on the situation and wake everybody up.

But hello the guy who says he can't live with me anymore is still living with me, talking to me, joking/flirting with me, just not touching me....

We do things with his family like all is well.

I just don't want to feel 'played', like I went along with everything he wanted b/c it was what I really wanted, while he was just biding his time to run away (does that make sense?)

Yet if I take the hard line and say we will go separately to these events, or that if/when his aunts/uncles ask about our future (sounds random, but just yesterday an acquaintance on the street asked me when Dan and I would build a place out on the farm), I tell the truth, that we are splitting up, I become the bad guy hurting my kids.

Just in confusion, the same confusion I have been in for awhile. He says he is done but doesn't act like it, I hate to have to be the one to pull the plug....and the 'what ifs' get me

What if he is starting to see us as possible again and then I go and draw the line and ruin it

or

What if I let us keep playing house and enjoying the kids and just when I am feeling comfortable with it, he comes home and tells me he found a house and is moving out asap

Sorry ramblings of a tired, drained, disappointed mind...

He will keep confusing you as long as you allow him to. He is no different than many WaHs here. It's how YOU want to handle things that makes a difference.

Michelle says, do something different. What would be different for you now? Take it easy on you.
K

Where is my coffee, damn it!

I delivered your coffee to you on your thread. How is that for service??

What would be different for me would be to leave him entirely alone. Go to work, care for the kids, do things for myself, without including him in any of it. Not call/text/reach out (not that I do that much anymore, anyway). Live like we are not living together anymore, period.

A bigger 180 would be to tell the kids what is up, tell the family what is up, and start living the life he claims he wants to live. But that would be a huge movement 48 hours before the holiday.....

Stop letting him drive. He has no idea where he is going and you are both getting lost


Your games, your rules.

I just know that the current status quo of him sleeping downstairs on the couch, us hanging out some in the evenings, doing stuff with the kids, would go on until he gets a pain in his back from the couch or gets grumpy about something and has another meldown.

You are right, K, this will go on as long as I am willing to play along.....I am so tired of playing.

At Halloween time here, he was upset that I mentioned him getting his own house, moving out, etc whenever we were together b/c he said he wasn't sure about it all but I kept bringing it up, and that was upsetting for him....????

Any ideas for how I can 'do something different'

Woog, you are right, i am letting him drive. But I am not sure what my game and my rules are. I want us to be a real family, I want to be his girlfriend, etc. That is obv. NOT going to happen. So I am not sure what my game plan is....going with the flow will just keep us 'here' until he decides to make a move.

Pushing him out the door sucks too. B/C then I become the homewrecker, but I need this thing to MOVE.

Guys, please beat me about the head and neck today and help me have the clarity to know what to do.


I had decided to let it go and let God handle it....but then I feel like I am just sitting here being H's patsy, willing to nod and smile through whatever mood he may be in....

Ok, that's malakies (greek word you DONT want translated ).

You are scared to make the jump. I understand that, what I cant understand is that you cant see he is not going to change the way he treats you unless you make him.

I dont care if he is confused. He didnt think the impact of the holidays and the kids's feelings when he said he cant do this. A divorce or a separation has consequences.

You are enabling him to mess with you Bbj. You need to get your attitude back. You have a "pseudo" dillema. The only difference WHEN he will move out will make, is how "battered" and used you will feel afterwards.

You dont want this guy sleeping on your couch for no reason, you are not running a hotel. IMO going out as a family doesnt do good to your kids either. My C told me my kids suffered because we had not "warned" them there was a problem. Especially Nathan will be totally confused about how on earth you were a family and went to all these gatherings and suddenly his dad moves out.

Fear is a poor consultant. Make this your game with your rules. I agree.
He doesnt deserve any more time, he has cheated you repeatedly (that part about when you had the baby really hit me hard), put your health in danger screwing around, he caused pain to you and your kids, he doesn respect you, he is using the power he has on you to stall until HE is ready... Enough, dont you think?
K

There, was that good enough?

Decide what you want. Tell him what you want. Explain the consequences. Break it into bit size pieces.