Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis a million miles away....

Well Snodderly....I feel like this thread should be titled...the other shoe keeps dropping.

I have been off the boards...living my life. Busy with work and enjoying the kids. I have been letting H just be out there. I do not hear from him during the week and he stops by to see d13 for about 45 minutes or so on the weekends. That is the only time I see him and I usually make myself scarce.

Anyway...just journaling: A couple of weeks ago H called me. He asked me about a bill he received he knew nothing about. I told him we had discussed this bill many times and that I had paid on it until he moved out. He was fully aware but of course swore he did not know anything about it. Accused me of forging his name and opening up this account etc.

I couldn't even talk to him. Everytime I said anything to him he accused me of lying. I just couldn't stand it. He ranted and ranted for a while and then said why can't we do what is best for the kids. Why do we have to go to court. Then he talked nonsense about if he came back what would we do.

It was a bizarre conversation. I think he may have been drinking. He said that he had noone and talked about his failures. He tried to get me involved in the conversation, but I just couldn't go there. His head is totally screwed up and I am in a good place just leaving him out there.

Anyway, I didn't hear from him or see him for over 10 days after that which was fine by me. Last weekend he came by and brought lunch by both days, commented on how I looked, etc. At this point....I have put up such a wall that what he does can't phase me and my senses told me that something bad was coming. Too nice for no reason.

Fast forward to today....and in the mail I get a petition from H attorney to list the marital property for sale. I had signed the papers back in august, with some changes, and now he wants to take me to court to sell the house unless I reneg on the changes I made.

They were convenience changes and I asked for a smaller commission rate for the realtor. I have no problem reneging....whatever, but what really bothers me is that I told H that I will not help him sell this home. I won't make arrangements for our dog not to be here when someone sees it, I will do the daily housekeeping...but anything major, will be done only if I have time. I work full time and am the only parent to these children.

Anyway, his lawyer and he are crying that I am making it difficult to sell the house. Ick. So now he wants to play games.
Nice to me...to ease his guilt............buying lunch and trying to give s16 money....to ease his guilt. Double ick.

I am going to my dad's in a little bit to go over the paperwork from his attorney then I will get back to my attorney tomorrow.

My question is this. I am angry...and I know I shouldn't do things out of anger, but I feel so used by H. I feel so hurt by his actions. Perhaps his family is right and he is only still married to me for the health insurance.

I want to find out. I am thinking of having my attorney notify his that he will be removed from my coverage as of the first of the year. He can buy into cobra (over $400) after that for 18 months, but I am sick of him getting benefits than sh+++ing on me. This would put some nice money back into my paycheck as well.

Snodderly, what should I do. This man will never grow up. Asked me on the phone during our conversation that I spoke of above if he hurt me more than anyone else ever. He is a man lost.

I don't want to be spiteful, but he has left me with every burden. He comes and goes as he pleases with no responsibility. He can spend money joining a gym and going to a tanning booth, but can't ask me if I need money for groceries. It is pathetic.

Part of me wouldn't mind moving. I could get a place and he would not have access. It would be mind and I wouldn't feel like he was entitled to come in like i do now since he pays the mortgage. I just have to keep my kids in their schools and that could be hard.

Also, the thought of him getting money from this house and spending it on his MOW makes me want to vomit.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. I hope this makes sense. I am truly in a good place......but my teenage husband makes me wonder why I am still trying to stand.

A

A,
Sit down with your father and go over the letter/contract. Then compose list of what you want done w/the house. If he thinks you are making it difficult to sell here's what I would do:

1. Point out that it would be beneficial to both of you if he would take some time out of his schedule to come over and do yard maintenance (this would help w/the appearance).

2. Point out that it would be beneficial to both of you if he were to come over and do inside maintenance as well. Some painting, carpet cleaning, even helping with the cleaning up a bit.

3. Point out that he can come over and get the pooch and take the dog for a walk or schedule a friend to keep the dog during the walk thrus.

4. Point out that it takes two to sell a home and if he wants it sold, he will need to do his share.

Now, about the health insurance. I was in the same boat as you, but once my h started acting like the butt, I carried him on my insurance plan from December 1999 to the end of December 2000. I advised him in November (open season) of 2000, that I would be removing him from my plan and he would need to get his own. I could have been a spiteful witch and dropped him the day he walked, but I didn't.

A, you've carried him on your policy long enough. You've done all you can to be patient and compassionate, it's time to look out for you and your children. Advise your lawyer to notify his lawyer that he will no longer be carried on your policy, effective the first pay period in January. He's got time to get his own policy.

A...don't worry, if the house sells, he will fritter the money way in record time and still be whining. If you can sell your home and find a nice place that you can afford within the same school district, go for it. I think you've done more than your share in dealing w/this problem. There comes a time when you have to fold and really focus on you and what you need to survive. Nothing says that you can't leave the door ajar, but that doesn't mean you have to be a door mat either.

Put everything in writing and advise your lawyer that's it and you are done negotiating....time for your h to step up to the plate and act like a man instead of a spoiled brat.

Keep posting....you are going to need the support in the coming months.

Thanks Snodderly:

I sent my reply to my L today. In it I stated that I do not think it is reasonable that H has no responsibility in fixing up things to sell the home, that I feel like H is dictating all of the sale agreement and I should have some say in it. I asked that he work on the outside which needs major clean up. I am sure he won't.

I had originally asked that noone come see the house after 3 on weekdays.....I thought h would realize that this is the time when d13 is home alone until I get home from work. Noone should be allowed in the home if she is alone. I guess I had to spell it out for him through the lawyer. He didn't like this condition. Idiot.

I made many other points to my L, I won't bore you with them, and I also asked her about removing H from my health insurance.
I will not be his doormat anymore. I will wait for her reply. I want his lawyer to tell him this.

H was by on Saturday and I said hello and that was it. Done. I didn't stay downstairs with him and d13 and I didn't speak to him again. I am hurt and angry.

H didn't come by Sunday. I was told by a family member that he did not stay at his parent's house over the weekend. Probably another night in a hotel with MOW. I know he lied to d13 and said he had to work all day sunday. Trust me when i say that I know he lied to her. This for fact. If he only knew that she cried last night because he had to work and didn't get to see her. If he was really working, he would have come up in the morning.

So, for now, I am putting H and all of his lies and issues to the side. I know once he gets wind of the fact that I am taking him off my insurance, I will hear about it. I think I have carried him long enough. Even his family thinks so.

I am tired of this whole crisis. I am tired of being played the fool. I am tired of my children being hurt. He is in God's hands....and I am afraid he is going to be lost for a long time to come.

A

A,
I'm glad you've spelled it all out to the lawyer. Yes, your h is going to be upset when he finds out that you aren't carrying him on your health insurance after the first of the year, but honestly, what did he expect? He's not lived in your home for a number of years and you have to think about you and your children.

A, you did the right thing...no one should be coming to your home when your daughter is there alone. That is so inappropriate.

A, you've now learned out to detach and allow God to take over. Allow him to work on your h. Keep the focus on you and your children; protect your assets and you do what is best for your little family. Your h is a very lost individual and he may be that way for a very long time.

Hugs.

Thanks Snodderly:
My lawyer contacted me today. I will meet with her next week. She told me that some of the things I am asking for are quite reasonable. I am hoping that we won't have to go to court and we will resolve the house issue.

Also, she emailed h's lawyer and told him that he will be removed from my insurance effective Feb. 1. This will hit him hard. I think he thinks i will be his doormat forever.

Anyway, was at work when h called. He was on his way to see d13 and bought some chicken on sale for us. He wanted to know if he should leave out or freeze. Bizarre. Is this guilt? He obviously didn't hear about the insurance yet.

So, that's it from mlc land today.

A

A,
You sound good. I'm glad you spoke to your lawyer and I didn't think your requests were unreasonable either. There are just some things that commons sense prevails on, i.e., no showing of the house when your daughter is home alone, etc.

As for the health insurance, your h, like most of them, was expecting you to carry him as a member for a very long time. They don't think about the consequences of their actions when they do these things. They still expect us to take care of them, etc., and that's just not the way like works and he'll find out quite soon.

As for the chicken, I don't think it's guilt, so much as smoothing the way to being friends and shoving things under the rug. Many of them will do something nasty or negative and then smooth things over by doing something nice. Your h knows you got the letter, therefore, he wants to make things nice w/"mom". It's a pattern w/most of them.

Enjoy the rest of your week. You've finally detached enough that you can see exactly what's what in your situation.

Thanks Snodderly:

Well heard from H today. Called to make sure I am paying taxes on the house. I told him I was...He then brought up the health insurance. He must have found out from his L today that he will be off my plan effective Feb 1.

Needless to say he was not very pleased. I tried told him this is all a part of what he wanted. To be rid of the marriage. I would prefer to have him home and covered, but he made this chocie.

He then was too funny. Right now we are on the same auto and homeowners. He pays his share and I pay mine. Mr. tough guy says he will get his own and I will then have to pay for the homeowners myself. I told him it was legally his home as well and his repsonsibility for half, but if he feels he needs to do this....whatever (it is only $23 a month).

I said goodbye and hung up as I told myself I was not going to let him get to me. He was realing. I think he was in shock that i am doing this.

Doormat no more. As far as I am concerned h has 3 options: Get a new job with benefits; get help and come home or have no benefits and roll the dice.

So, fast forward to 2:30. D13 calls and says she has detention after school and she said she didn't know it. I was unaware. I asked her to call her dad to tell him to not expect her home after school as I had a meeting to go to.

When I get out of the meeting i have a tm from H asking where d13 was. I explained the situation and he, via tm, starts in asking if I believe d13 that she didn't know, should he call the school, etc. I told him to do what he wants. I would like to talk to d13 first before I would call the school, but if he feels it necessary he should do what he wants.

My phone died. TMing stopped. I had a student at my desk doing a project and answering my phone while I was helping someone. I could hear my phone ring several times and when I came out my student said that someone kept hanging up. I am sure it was h looking to spew at me. Glad I was busy.

D13 called me. She said she talked to H and he was pretty mad. She was snoozing when I got home.....so I don't have the full story.

SO.....that's that. Tomorrow is friday. Taking monday off since the kids are off for parent/teacher conferences.

Snodderly: How long can I expect the spew from this? Part of me hopes this hit him over the head like a ton of bricks. The cake eating was getting too much to bear. I am still standing...as I will not help him with the D....but i don't think I have much hope left.

When I finally file for child support (I haven't yet since H pays the mortgage), it will be a rude awakening for him. All the money he thinks he will have from the sale of this house...he won't. He now knows I mean business.

A

A,
I can't honestly tell you how long he will have this tantrum, but I will say this....it's going to be a while and I had to chuckle over the homeowners insurance conversation. See how they operate? They want you to take care of everything and they have the freedom to come and go as they please. Not in today's society.

What may transpire and I could be wrong about this is that he may very well attempt to be Mr. Nice Guy and try to win you over to his side about things. It's called snowballing you. Don't go there. You're in a good place right now and you do not need to fall down again.

Stand up straight, look ahead and do not allow him to knock you down into the hole. You are doing just fine and you will continue to be fine. You now have to keep your focus on your children, finances and yourself. Your h is still in a very selfish baby mode. Keep to the course.

Thanks Snodderly:

I am not sure what is transpiring. Things are weird. H came by on saturday to see d13. I said a polite hello and went about my business. He stayed a few hours and I barely saw him. I wanted my space. H was not too happy about that. The few times I passed threw the room he had a scowl on his face. Whatever.

Sunday came and I braced myself for him coming by again to see d13. H called and said he wasn't feeling well. Asked if I could drop d13 off to see him and he would drive her home on his way to work. I agreed to since I had to go to the store and would be passing near there any way. I didn't ask him what was wrong..he did tell me he could sleep for days he was so wiped. Life of a teenager...must be hard at almost 45.

Anyway, d13 told me he slept most of the time while she was there. Her baby cousin was there so she played with her. H told her he was having terrible stomach cramps, couldn't eat, etc. H has a very emotional stomach. Always has always will. I think stress may be the culprit!!

He dropped her off and called after to ask if i could take her to her dentist appt. today as his car is having a major problem and he wasn't felling well..etc. etc. I told him that it was fine. I had taken the day anyway (the kids are off today for parent conferences).

So far d13 has not hear from him today. Not sure if he is sleeping or dealing with his car or what. My dad thinks that me setting a deadline for the insurance probably stunned him. He thinks H probably thought I would never cut him off and now he is stuck...perhaps because he thought I would always be here...when he knows MOW won't. What do you think Snodderly?

Oh well.

Can anyone say bad kharma? Car; stomach,etc

A

A,
They always think that we will always be there to pick up the pieces for them, i.e., to take care of them. They always think that we will always be the same and never change. They always think the life will remain the same while they are out playing and yes, we will be right where they left us in the same spot. Nope, life doesn't work that way.

Your h is having some very difficult internal issues going on right now. He's upset w/what he's done to his family, home, etc. His guilt is eating him up and yes, he knows that you are moving on. When feeling negative, negative will appear in all walks of life. His karma isn't very good right now.

A, stay positive.