Guys, here is the exactly where things break down between the sexes. If you tell your man exactly what you need, that is in no way controlling, that is communicating. From a guys point of view.
That is a new concept for me. Seriously. I am in the process of learning how to be firm about what I need. And consistent I guess.
I probably need to link my old threads that give more background, Downnotout...I would love to hear your opinion. But I do have a different sitch than Peace I think, I have a very Jekyll/Hyde sitch and Jekyll can be responsive to what I need...Hyde, well that's another story.
Sometimes the Hydeish things aren't even aggressive, it's me saying I need a hug and he rolls his eyes and like half puts his arms around me. Once I said can I have a hug and he stood there with arms folded while I tried to hug him. Then he gets mad at me for being offended. Then another day he'll make it a bear hug. So...there's no figuring him out.
another question just came to mind...if anyone knows. If I am so repulsed by my H. HOW in Gods name do I maintain composure when he approaches me with anything? This is what I mean about being fake. I am not a good 'yes - honey' person. My emotions are clearly lit up on my face.
Communicate. Be succinct but kind. Also, set boundries and limits. Those boundries and limits can also be how much time you spend together. Maybe both of you need to do some GAL. Getting away from each other for a fun afternoon can to wonders to lighten the mood when you get home. Don't fake anything. Don't accept affection that you don't want or want to give. My wife did this and it set us back huge.
You need to sit him down an calmly explain where you are at and where you need to be to start feeling better. Most likely he doesnt realize how on edge you are.
Remember we talked about guys wanting quick fixes. That's how they work. I did the same stuff in the beginning. I folded some laundry and took the kids to PlayLand for an afternoon and was amazed when my wife didn't feel we were better. I really had no idea.
I'm going to slow down on posting for a little bit. The posts are coming so fast and furious that it might start getting confusing and or duplicative.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I really really feel like beating my head against a wall right now. I need DownNotOut to have a conference call with my H.
Another huge thing, though is H's first initial response to my stand-off-ishness is that I'm having or have had an affair. Absolutely Not true. His equation in his head is: She does not love me anymore = She is in love with someone else.
This has been slammed at me for over 2 years now. And he wonders why my initial response to this thought is anger?? I have consistently and wrongly been accused of wrongdoing and that still continues to this day. This is a very big big deal. I would like help with this one if anyone has a clue.
WOW everyone disappeared!! help from anyone? Because I think no trust??? pointless? I have done nothing to betray his trust, ever. There is no need for this assumption on his part.
You might ask him why he thinks this or accuses you of having an affair. Something put this idea in his head. Do you know what? Maybe you did something and don't realize it. Might not have been a big deal do you but it might be huge to him.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
this all seriously goes back to college days (over 20 years ago) believe it or not.... We were broke up at the time (because he was screwing around) and he came up to college to bring me flowers for some reason. he saw me in my apartment with another guy...I went outside and talked to him...he got the picture that i was moving on and it crushed him.
Yeah...makes no logical sense - but that's where it stems from.
this all seriously goes back to college days (over 20 years ago) believe it or not.... We were broke up at the time (because he was screwing around) and he came up to college to bring me flowers for some reason. he saw me in my apartment with another guy...I went outside and talked to him...he got the picture that i was moving on and it crushed him.
Yeah...makes no logical sense - but that's where it stems from.
Sounds like it stems from him being the one that was screwing around...
bingo!!!! that all came out in MC, too. He's STILL holding onto that.
Last week he had the nerve to call a co-worker of mine to ask her if she'd go out to dinner with us. Backtrack: we NEVER EVER go out. This was an effort of his to 'fix' things because he knows i like to have fun, and we just.....don't.
WHILE talking to my co-worker (my best friend) he told HER of his fear of me messing around on him!!! I was and still am embarrassed beyond comprehension. Embarrassed to tears. How DARE he drag her into our mess and into his twisted train of thought?
Well, I'm glad someone else said it other than me. There is kind of an old adage that spouses will only accuse you of doing something they have already done or have thought long and hard about doing.
I think the only thing you can do is ask, "So what do you want from me?" You can only do so much. After implanted GPS chips, ultraviolet scans and phone taps, there is only so much you can offer in the way of reassurance.
Really, you might just ask what you can do to put this to rest. After that it is time to communicate that he NEEDS to put it to rest if you two are to go on.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
