Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The next stage, maybe

(((Guys)))

Lisa, thank you for having so much confidence in me. Sigh, if only h could see the new confident me, although hopefully he will have seen from the communication we have had. He has stopped 'worrying' about me by sending me texts asking how I am etc as he was in June/ July. Is that a good thing? I take it that he isn't thinking about me as I am not hearing from him but perhaps that isn't reality.

T, the whole thing is bizarre. I think it is lots of those things on some level. His attitude since recovering from the illness has been avoidance of everything so it could be an ultra extreme extension of this. I think it is mostly guilt and also wanting to provide for me. I truly believe that he still cares about me on some level and doesn't know what to do about me. Perhaps he is hoping that time will sort it out with no need of action from him, or that I will finally crack and sort it out so he doesn't have to (this is a real possibility). I do worry slightly as he had started contacting me off his own back and we were having good interactions and this email has shut those down. Perhaps because I have stopped playing his avoiding game. However, while we were having those positive interactions and baby steps he was developing his relationship with ow and making plans to move in with her so I don't know what to make of that. As you say conjecture. WTF knows!

Ali, thank you for checking on me it means a lot to know you do. I too am very curious, but I have to try and keep it at bay. Time is passing and he has not responded...

Dan, is moving in with her not showing commitment??

So, thinking about my goal of friendship with him... I was going to send a circular email to all my friends telling them about my carol concert. Should I include him in it? He is my 'friend' and it would fit with my plan before discovering his moving in with ow to develop communication and friendship. But is it giving him an excuse to respond to that rather than my other email or it may prompt him to respond which I am not sure I want to do, I would rather him respond off his own back. Should I just stop worrying about every little thing I do and be my natural self with him again which would be to let all my friends know about my concert that I am excited about. Plus, being friendly before was working... should I keep doing it?

Other news (that is not really news) is that I have checked the joint bills account and it is still healthy. He has been doing some transferring and paying stuff in and back but has not told me what he is doing. I don't know what he transferred the money for or to where but he put it back in again so not my problem I suppose.

Hmmm, I'm all about the analysis today! My stomach is telling me it is lunchtime...

Hi Julia,

I think you should include him in your email, as you had already told him in the previous email that you wanted to stay amicable, I think that by doing this it affirms your friendliness and shows that his actions do not bother you. I think it also exudes what an independent, confident chickie you really are.

You have been doing wonderfully with the GAL and PMA!!

Julia, you said...

You sent him a pretty powerful email and he has so far not responded. So I dont think you should email him about the carol concert. Any friendship you two manage to have would have to be arrived at AFTER you get past this swkward juncture of you telling him, that you now know that he is moving in with someone..? Until then, I dont think you should "act as-if" and send him a friendly invite to your concert. It also just seems a bit too unreal. Thats just me though! Dont know what others think?

Al x

I just found this post on going dark that I had saved and thought it was quite interesting.

Cally, I think Savedwoman and I hold the records for the longest continuous periods of being dark on the boards (and neither one of us, still, is entirely sure it was good for our situations) so if you don't mind, let me give you some thoughts of mine on going dark.

There are two very different reasons to consider for going dark:
1. Because you want it to show your spouse what life without you is like, and to get them wondering what your up to.
2. Because -you- need time away from the emotional drama of regular interaction with a situation that causes you distress.

Either reason is valid, but it's important to know, I think, which is the main goal of going dark in your specific instance. If you know what the goal is, you'll be better able to determine if going dark is accomplishing what you need it to, and when to stop.

When to stop being dark is another topic that can be really tricky. In the beginning, everyone will tell you to be patient, that you won't get results right away, not to give up, etc. But what do you do when months start to go by and it still doesn't get results? It's important to realize that after you've been dark for awhile, it gets very comfortable. Too comfortable, really. The hardest part for both SW and I was being able to finally take action ourselves when so much time passed while we were dark and nothing at all happened in our situations.

The books really make it sound like the Last Resort Technique (and by extension, going dark) are seriously advised for most, if not all, seperations. I've come to believe that's a mistake. I believe that in the right situations, at the right times, going dark/LRT can be very useful.... but in some situations, and at some times, they can do a lot more harm then good.

Think carefully about what you want to accomplish if you go dark, and if you do ask yourself every day if it's still moving you closer to that goal. When and if it isn't, adopt a new strategy.

As you have said Julia, your H is an avoider. This is exactly what he is doing. Hoping that he won't have to do anything to push forward your circumstances because that would cause him discomfort so he avoids it. Gabe did the same thing with me. He initiated the D then dropped it on his end but was content to leave me hanging at the end of a fraying rope. As long as he had the carrot dangling in front of me, he didn't have to make any further commitments or choices in his own life.



Not truly. It is an illusion of creating a deeper R without real ties. As long as he can't be pushed to M her because he is still legally M'd to you, he still feels safe.

Julia, I had lost track of your thread for a week and have just now caught up. I'm so sorry you are not getting any response from him to your very sincere email. It really bites that he is being that big a coward. I will hope for your sake that he is just digesting this and will contact you shortly.

Your GAL activities sound like so much fun! I wish I had time for some things like that. You keep them up and keep posting about them and I'll live vicariously through you, ok?

((((((((((((Julia))))))))))))))

Hi Julia,

Just my quick two cents worth...If you really, truly want to be friends with your H, then I would say email him. My guess is that after a time of acting as-if, it will become more natural, and hopefully a new friendship will develop. I think all of your actions need to back up your new plan.

ITH

((((Julia)))))

How long has it been since the e-mail? I think you'd need to give it at least a 2-3 weeks before breaking 'dark', but on the other hand I wouldn't see an issue with including him on a group e-mail. He can still choose to respond (or not), and it's not as though you're pursuing by sending tons of e-mails all the time.

The one thing I would emphasise, though, is that just because they're not in contact doesn't mean they're not thinking about you. I bet he is, but is consumed by guilt and himself so doesn't get round to making contact. Being natural and including H on a group e-mail can't hurt though. If it was my sitch, I'd just do it, being prepared to not have a response, and to try again if I didn't get one.....

L. xx

Hi Julia,

I am way out of tuch and have not cought up on your post. I have moved on in huge ways in my own life and am in such a better place I feel like a new person. I feel like a poor friend because I have not been back here to check on you in a while but I think of you daily and I know you are still stuggling but I also know you are a wonderful person and good things will come for you. this stage of your life will not last forever. I talk to lost about once an week and ever got to have dinner with her a few weeks back i wish I could do the the same with you, so if the next time I make it over there Ill looking you up. take care!!!

((((((((((Julia))))))))))

Soooo... still no reply form h but...

Fate has a funny way of working. I overslept massively today and just missed a train so had to wait 20 mins for the next one. As I was standing in the waiting room I saw h's friend on the platform. Luckily I was wearing my 180 new tight black jeans with cute heals (I nearly wore rubbish clothes today but decided to make an effort at the last minute).

So I walked up the platform and he saw me and looked a little panicked (I don't know what he knows about the situation but he clearly knows we are not together anymore) and he said hi and asked how I was. I said hi back, laughed and said I had just missed my train and I was popping to the shop to get some water. That put him at ease so I went and got my water and we stood and chatted on the platform. We traveled all the way in together and I was happy and fun and chatted about how busy I was. We talked a lot about work as he works in a similar area to me and he was really interested in what I was doing. He gave me some work advice and I thanked him and said I'd look up the website.

We chatted about music (as h and him were/ are in a jazz band together) and I asked how the gigs were going. He said that the band had filtered out this summer really as 'h was not a good organiser'. This isn't true normally, h always puts his heart and soul into those gigs and he also said he hadn't been paid yet for them either - all very unlike h. That was the only discussion of h really although he alluded to the wedding later and he said it with ease, not embarrassed like he shouldn't mention it, so I think I totally put him at ease about it. I said if he was playing any local gigs he should let me know and he wants me to send him my work newsletter so is going to FB me with his address and stuff.

When I got off the train he gave me a kiss and a hug and said it was really good to see me. I have to say he was the only one of h's friends that I liked and the only sensible one although we don't know each other very well. So we didn't talk directly about h, I wanted to respect the fact that he was h's friend and I didn't want it to look like I was fishing, also I don't need to fish, I'm just letting things happen naturally. Although it was so tempting to GRILL him and moan about h's lack of contact response and find out what was going on but that would make me look just awful. We just talked about activities and mutual things around h (music, Yorkshire etc). I don't really think he has much to do with h anymore but you never know, stuff may filter back. I told him about my music activites and some GAL stuff.

It was good to come across as confident and in control as well as sounding successful in my work etc. I was also pleased that I didn't look a complete wreck either

So, nothing may come of it but hey at least I have my pride and it was a DB opportunity. I don't get many of those right?!

(((Mishka))) avoiders are so annoying. This is the most frustrating part for me. I don't know how much longer I will go on without just snapping and organising the house sale/ divorce. It is a battle every day for me to not do that.

(((ITH, OD))) I included h in the general round robin email. I do not expect any response to that but I treated him as a friend. It has now been 2 weeks since I sent h the email. Grrrrrr. Still, I had a nice quiet weekend. I got loads of knitting done and then went into London on Sunday to go swimming then out for a meal and cinema with my friend in the evening.

(((JWS))) I miss you on my thread but I am so pleased that you no longer need this place and are more sorted in your life. I am touched you came back to visit me.

Hey Julia,

Wow, has it been 2 weeks? I'm sorry to hear that. Jody did say to me that this type of email was a risky strategy... they will either come back and be glad of the opening to break the guilt/silence and want to see you, or it could have the opposite effect and lead to D.. you had to be prepared to take the consequences. Did she say that to you? Not that it makes any difference what you did, IMO, what will be will be.

You said "I don't know how much longer I will go on without just snapping and organising the house sale/ divorce."...

There is an interim step..? Let down your DB defences, release your fear and just say, hi, can we meet up for a chat? For a catch up...why not? This non-contact is kind of fake and awkward. If you met, I bet you would get on fine. And then maybe a discussion abot you and him, or his life now, or your house, or even D?

In my sitch.. it happened naturally, he wanted to get things off his chest when I saw him.. now the truth was out, my C said (and Jody) that its a relief for them in a way. Anyway, its up to you, but something is better than nothing and at this stage, what have you got to lose?

I am sorry he hasnt responded, that is avoidant, but its also kind of rude.

Ali xxx