So, what's the solution? He thinks everything is ok although I've told him that is not the case for me. He is more than willing to do counseling, but I can't see that helping when we have such a different perspective on this (I still don't get how he could even think it's 3-4 times a week!).
He is a very affectionate guy and loves to cuddle. However, that will probably be as much as he'll ever need. It is so frustrating to have him be so loving every night and every morning but, at the same time, be so willing to stop before it goes further. I'm 45 and feel like I'm back in high school sometimes.
It's a good thing I'm HD also because he isn't interested in touching me in any way when we do actually have sex. He tolerates me touching him sometimes, but I never sense that he really wants me to touch him at all. I've never been shy about touching but feel uncomfortable trying anything different with him because he tends to reject just "normal" touching.
Quote: I find myself wondering why he finds me so undesirable.
I think this is one of the hardest feelings to get past; I'm still working through it myself. But -- and admittedly this is often small comfort -- there really is a difference between being undesireable and not being desired. To me it seems to be an active/passive distinction, or continuum, with "undesireable" at the negative end and "desireable" at the positive end. Put another way, think back to science experiments in school: "like" electrical charges or magnetic poles repel, while opposite ones attract. "Undesireable" would be to repel, and it doesn't sound like you're there. Rather, your H (like my W in our marriage) seems to be in a "neutral" state -- neither repelled nor attracted -- when of course you want him to feel attracted. Still, for what it's worth, the fact that he seems view you as "not desireable" (not, "undesireable") does not of itself imply that he finds you less desirable than someone else. This also means that you don't have to overcome "repel," but only increase "attract." So while that last "only" may seem huge -- and I know from personal pain how huge it seems sometimes -- try to keep in mind that "neutral" is still a much better place to start from than many of the alternatives. So don't give up, keep trying the SSM techniques, and hopefully you will increase the "charge" or "magnetism" and then (to paraphrase both Sir Isaac Newton and Obi Wan Kenobi), "May the Force be with you."
Quoting COgal: So, what's the solution? ... He is more than willing to do counseling, but I can't see that helping when we have such a different perspective on this (I still don't get how he could even think it's 3-4 times a week!).
Returning to the "keeping score" theme, one possible way I could see counseling helping would be if the Counselor got your husband to agree to track the frequency. The best would probably be if it was the counselor's suggestion, either to ask your H to track or (so he doesn't feel ganged up on) to ask both of you to track it. With luck, over time your husband would effectively confront himself with the difference between his perception and reality. No guarantees here -- all of us as people can be remarkably resistant to recognizing facts even when they smack us upside the head -- but either way would probably be more likely to generate more results, less resistance, or both, than if you were to suggest it to him directly.
Quote: He is a very affectionate guy and loves to cuddle. However, that will probably be as much as he'll ever need. It is so frustrating to have him be so loving every night and every morning but, at the same time, be so willing to stop before it goes further.
I'm curious -- what is your reaction when he wants to cuddle? I'm speaking of outward actions, not internal frustration, irritation or (as in my case) simultaneous physical arousal with the historical "knowledge" that satisfaction of that arousal is highly unlikely. I haven't yet found a "good" solution, and I have no idea whether you have or not, but either way there may be some clues there as to how you might change the dynamic without making it worse (unless that's a first step to making it better in the long run). Just a thought.
Last edited by VAnot4lovers; 08/09/0304:17 AM.
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
-- but either way would probably be more likely to generate more results, less resistance, or both, than if you were to suggest it to him directly.