Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

He's not "trying to make it so you can never win".
He just is putting no effort into HELPING you win. Or to put it a more appropriate way, "putting no effort into a positive, exclusive, committed relationship for both of you".

He's being 100% selfish, and is doing what he wants, for him.
Which is: doing exactly what you are doing now.

YOU DONT NEED TO "HELP HIM" ANY MORE, SO QUIT TRYING!!! HE DOESNT NEED "HELP", HE NEEDS TO GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOU!!

Stand back, look at what has worked in the last 48 hours in that reguard. Look and what has NOT WORKED, over the last weeks.

Then quit doing what doesnt work, and do what does work?!?!?!!

WHAPS TRIX WITH A 3x6, cause the 2x4's aint working!

Can you tell i'm a little frustrated? with you an me both.
GRRRRrrrrr

bah.loosing my temper. came out even more grousy than i feel.

youre' still doing the same old same old thing though trixi.
you're treating your husband like a boy, and so he's behaving exactly like a little boy.

Some time, your little boy is going to have to learn to act like a MAN. he'll only do that, when you start treating him like one.

if a boy says "this is tough, i cant decide", you might try to help him figure it out, and "teach" him good decisions from bad ones.
if a man says that, you should expect him to be a man, use his head, and make a good decision. and then be responsible for his own decisions.

he's a man, not a little boy. he knows right from wrong. he just wants to stay a little boy for as long as you will let him.

time to cut the apron strings, "mommy".

I heart you, Dom.



Oh?

On a sort of funny note, I said something about him acting immature and boy, it hit a nerve! he started ranting about not caring what other people think, blah blah blah and I then I said that *I* was the one that came up with that word. He toned down the rant at that point. It was sure interesting to see how it set him off, though.

He sent me a text to let me know he made it okay and how long he slept and what time of day it was. That was a nice surprise.

You are right, Dom, he IS a man and he DOES need to man up. You bring up a good analogy with helping a little boy decide something.
Food for thought.

Trixi, its hard all this, isnt it? Hard to know the right things to say and do. I guess when we have truly detached, the right things come to us. When we make decisions based on what is good for us, and not what is going to make our h's happy, then we got it!

Trixi

I read your story about Thanksgiving.....What are you going to do? Spend it with your whole family or with H?

I'm kind of in the same sitch but my H is going to spend it alone.

Makes me sad.

I had been talking with my parents about it and I said I wondered if he was going to spend it alone. (Before he told me). My Dad said kind of jokingly "Should we invite him?" And my Mom blurts out a big "NO".

I was like "Well, I'm glad I wasn't planning on asking if he could come". Not that I was - it would be very akward.

Part of me wishes I could ask him to have it with me at our house, just us two. My family would be very shocked! I don't think H would go for it - he wouldn't want to take me away from my family....

I know that he chose our sitch, but I can't help but feel sad. For both of us......

Yeah, the holidays really can be such a sad time.

I haven't had a chance to tell my H that my mom said "no" because since he's in Turkey, we've only IM'd a couple times and he is really suffering from jet lag.

What I have done is made a reservation at a restaurant for 6pm for H, daughter, stepson and myself. Thanksgiving at my mom's starts around 1'ish, eat around 3pm. I won't eat much.

I still kind of go back and forth; I feel like he was actually sort of 'manning up" by not running away. Actually, he initially said that he would be okay being around JUST my parents, but not the whole clan. But then later said that he was up for the whole shebang. That means he DID realize that it could hard on him and he was up for it. Oh well. Moot point.

Yes, the WAS did make a choice.
did you H indicate that he wished he could spend it with you? or was his preference to be alone?

I think you should tell him that they turned him down, and why.
Not neccessarily in a nasty way. but tell him.
He needs a reality check.

That's nice you will get to spend time with both on Thanksgiving. Do you think your H is going to understand about your mom??

My H did not indicate he would want to spend it with me. I'm sure that he assumed that I would spend it with my family in WI, along with Christmas. He aleady booked his plane flight to FL to be with his sister for Christmas, but can't afford to travel for Thanksgiving too.

Maybe he will realize how much he misses me over the holidays. Don't know.....

Yes, I do plan to tell him the "why" of the "no". Which is why I haven't brought it up yet. He is severely jet lagged and exhausted.

I think he might also have a little bit of a utopian view; "we're all family, we will always BE famiy, so we can get along". My mother, otoh, says he walked away from the family, doesn't want the family, obviously cares nothing for the family, so she isn't going to 'pretend' he does. ...

I guess it's a commpliment that he assumes MY family would be gracious enough to invite him back into their house. I do not make that assumption about his family; nor does he, for that matter.

Sometimes I just wish I could skip the entire holiday season.

Belle-
last year my H went to Fl for Thanksgiving and then NY for Christmas and New years. And on all 3 holidays, he ended up sending me a text message wishing me a happy -whatever day it was-.

My H said that he did realize that he missed me while he was away.

ARE you spending it with your family in WI? If not, does he know you aren't actually leaving town?