Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Divorced but hoping to Reconcile

More questions for you....

How old are you?

And how long did it take you to realize that you wanted your family and intended to pursue?

If you describe your journey, you may help some of us who are trying to figure out our spouses.

I really do hope for the best in your situation, but I have to admit that reading your perspective was very painful to me. First, because my H clearly isn't there yet, and second, because I realize how angry/hurt/sad the whole situation has made me.

My H was going on and on about how he didn't have this and that accomplishment and he was also frustrated about how much he earned. It did not matter to me and I told him that.

Evidently then the reasoning was "I have an idea: I don't want responsibilities but really I don't have enough troubles and problems, so I think I'll be the one to save the crazy girl so I can feel important!

It appears that this scenario is fairly common to men in midlife but I sure wish he would transfer that energy to our daughter, who continues to come in second or last.

Also...the way I look at it is that if you can tell your child you screwed up and then were sorry and did your very very best--and you know that is truthful--then it is worth it to make an effort to save the marriage.

I know I will be able to tell my D that. I don't think my H will. I have serious doubts that my H will approach the level of maturity that you gained.

Hi breton39,

I will definitely tell more of my journey and story. I really do hope that my situation will help other ppl better understand their spouses and themselves. I also hope to gain a better perspective on what my ex might be thinking, feeling, etc. I will post something in a bit.

Also, L, if you can give some advice that would be interesting....

I will definitely give some advice. Just got back from running an errand. I will work on writing something up. THanks

lnmw--

I really admire you for your "Damascus Road" experience and having the initiative to come someplace where you might be castigated for your actions prior to it.

You mention God in an earlier post. What is your religious POV? I would like to recommend a site called Rejoice Marriage Ministries. The founders of this site were reconciled two years after they divorced and the ministry is devoted to God's healing power for broken marriages.

I would also like to recommend two books to you. The first is For Men only. It may give you even more insight to your wife and all she is feeling right now. I read the companion book, For Women Only and experienced several V-8 moments with the different approaches men and women have to various situations. The second book is Five Love Languages. I highly recommend this to everyone. you cannot fill up your ex's love tank if you do not know the right way to do it. This book may just help you achieve that.

I am glad that you have come to realize the importance of family. I do not think it is too late, but do not expect this to be an easy row to hoe. You have wounded your wife deeply and she needs space and time to process the changes you have made. She also needs to see continuity in the changes, not just hear you talk about it. She gave you ample opportunity to step up to the plate and you repeatedly let her down. You owe her patience now.

I am proud of you for taking steps to reconcile your marriage and be there for your family. Too many WAS check out and never look back. I will keep an eye on you and wish you much success.

SMW

I am currently 29 years old and got married when I was 23. Growing up, I was shy and didn’t really speak much in high school. I also grew up poor (mom lived on food stamps) and had no father. My father left the family when I was about 7 or 8 and never came back. I did well in my studies and was surprised when I got into Harvard. Growing up, I also felt like I had something to prove.

During my last year of college I met my ex. She didn’t go to Harvard but to another college near Boston. That first year was the best time of my life I can honestly say. We did everything together. We didn’t have a lot of money, but we use to just drive around town at night – sometimes for hours – just talking and getting to know each other. Oftentimes we would be driving close to midnight and when I finally had to take her home since she would fall asleep on lap. Nothing seemed to matter anymore besides she and I. My grades did suffer a bit that last year, but I did graduate and I really didn’t care that they did to be honest. We got married after about a year and half of dating through the courts.

The first three years of our marriage were great. We really got close and I would also be writing her love notes, giving her flowers at her job, doing little romantic things here and there. But most of all, I really enjoyed just be there for her and listening to her speak. We were both very happy.

When we had our daughter, I really began to change. First, money began to get tight between us. Although she said that that didn’t matter to her, I was really disturbed by it. My college debt was high and I began to start to complain about money. My ex didn’t work for the first two years that we had our daughter. We both felt it was the best thing to do for our daughter and I am glad she was able to be there for our daughter. However, that did put a lot of stress on me. When I would come home from work, she was tired and wanted me to take over. I, on the other hand, just wanted to relax. I was beginning to do well at my job and although I didn’t have to stay late, I began to really spend a lot of energy and focus on my job. It did pay off as I got promoted that same year. However, I allowed $$$ and work to become my focus and I was wrong for doing that. When I would come home, I didn’t want to change dapers, spend time with my daughter, etc.

I realize now that you have to make relationships a priority – that great relationships just don’t happen. That you have to keep investing and never stop doing those things that made you fall in love in the first place. Soon my ex and I start to argue about me not helping around in the house, not taking care of our daughter, etc. My excuse was that I was the one working and that I needed to relax. She would tell me also that she needed to relax, but I was too selfish to see that. She really did try to understand my situation, but now I know that she was also tired and really needed me to be there. Being a mom is much more of a full time job than any office job I will ever have. After about three months, I left the house and moved in with a friend. For the first year and a half – I was in and out of my family’s life. I would come over at night several times a week, but soon I would have excuses for not wanting to come over. I would tell her that I needed time by myself. She really tried to make things work between us and wanted me to move back in. I wish I knew then what I know now. The last year and a half before our divorce – I was really absent. It got to the point where I was only there maybe once or twice a week. She would always tell me when we would see each other that she wanted me back and that we should be a family. By that time, my heart had gotten cold. I wanted to focus on doing my own things, my own agenda and didn’t want to be a family. I know that I caused her so much pain by me rejecting her so much. I also know that she really began to resent the person I had become and had a lot of anger towards me – who can blame her. I did a terrible thing. During the last 6 months prior to our divorce, I started to tell her that I wanted to get a divorce – that I just wanted her and our daughter out of my life. She would tell me that she didn’t and that she wanted to make it work out b/t us. Finally, she got tired of me and felt that I was never going to change. She tells me now that she got tired of waiting.

She finally got an attorney. About three months before our divorce, I began to really question my life. I took it my ex for granted and I guess I had assumed that she would never leave me or go through with the divorce. Boy was I wrong. I think deep down I thought that I could always go back to her and that she would accept me. I was no longer happy just going to work and doing my own thing. I really began to hate the person I was inside and began to question what happened to the person I use to be. I use to sacrifice and give everything I had for my ex and then I stop being that person. There is a certain joy that can only come through the giving and dying of self. I once had that joy and I had lost it by being selfish. Like I said in one of my previous responses, man is miserable when he is not fulfilling his true purpose – that is to love and be loved – to know and be known.

Two months before the divorce, I had come to the realization of what life is all about (I will write more on that later). I had made up my mind that my family was worth everything to me and that that was all that matter. I honestly believe that change doesn’t have to take that long to occur. The problem is getting people to face reality – that is the hardest thing to get people to see. Once a person really sees what reality is – change doesn’t have to take that long because reality has a way of steering a person towards purpose.

So now we are where I am today. I will continue on with some of your questions.

Hi SMW,

Thanks for the reply and the encouragement. I will check out the site and the two books. You are absolutely right - I owe her patience now.

You also like what you said about filling my ex's love tank. That is so true and I've been trying to learn how to really love her in a way where she can feel love. That is always a learning process and I am always happy for recommendations on books, techniques, etc for how to better demonstrate love. It amazes me how when we first fall in love with someone, how we really try to learn how to please and make the other person happy. Then as time goes, we stop trying and become complacent. I once read that excellence is a pursuit and not a place. I think the same thing applies to love and marriage. We must always be in pursuit of trying to create greater love, greater joy and greater happiness in our relationships.

Hi Breton39,

Regarding your situation – I think I understand a little bit of how you H is feeling. I think one difference that men and women have is in how they definite success. Men tend to definite and base their self-worth on what they do and accomplish. Most of all, men enjoy being a knight in shining amour – to rescue and fix things. I don’t think you H is in love with his girl friend as much as he is in love with the idea of having someone to fix. Sooner or later, however, your H is going to get tired of fixing and rescuing his girl friend. While it feels great at first to fix someone up, overtime it begins to drain a person out.

You mentioned that your H would complain about how much he didn’t earn or that he didn’t accomplish this or not. The crazy thing about men is that they have a false illusion that their identity if tied to what they accomplish or have. Paradoxically, the more they have, the more often they lose that since of identity and self-worth. However, because some men feel that they have never done anything with their life, it is hard for them to come to the realization that those things don’t really bring happiness. In my situation, the more I accomplish, the more I began to realize that those things didn’t matter. While they did bring temporary happiness, those things cannot sustain happiness.

Like I said earlier, I really believe that the purpose of life is to love and be loved – to know and be known. Ultimately, when people are not living that purpose – they slowly begin to become miserable. They start to distract or numb themselves with TV, fixing up a girl friend, trying to accomplish things, etc.

However, I would like to address the “know and be known” aspect of love. I honestly think that we all want people to know us on an emotional and deep level and that we also want to know someone at that same level. However, before we can be in a position where we can experience the notion of being known and allowing someone to know us – we first have to know ourselves.

Although it might not seem logical, the more time your H has to think on his own, the better are his chances of coming to the realization of what life is all about. In my situation, it took a long time, but eventually I got to the place where I really started to think about life and the type of person I wanted to be. Unfortunately, it is only in the place of solitude that we come to that realization – at least that was the case for me.

In my case, I didn’t have anybody to tell me what life’s purpose was all about – but I came to that realization on my own. So while it would be great if your H had someone to really tell him what he is missing out on in life, there is hope that he will come to that realization on his own. Over time, unless a person is living a life where he is love and loving, he will begin to experience some type of pain in his life – which is a good thing. That pain will either cause him to pursue purpose or to numb himself as he is doing now with trying to fix his girl friend and focus on his work.

However, it is also a good thing that he said that his feelings were one of his top priorities. All of life is driven by emotions – and if a person gets emotional enough – that alone can motivate a person to change and come to his senses.
I really do hope your H changes.

But if I could change, I think there is hope for anybody

Thanks LNMW. Honestly, I think you are lucky to have had the realizations you have had at this age. I also think you must remember that you will have a link to your wife that your wife's friend does not: your daughter. You will have an edge there.

And since she said that she knows what you are doing, she nkows you're interested even if you are not saying so.

I guess when I said my H's feelings are his top priority, I was being pretty sarcastic. It seemed that HIS feeling, HIS moods, HIS ups and downs reigned in our house. I must say that when he left, I had a chance to concentrate on myself and my own emotions and it has felt good. So if your wife talks about her feelings, encourage this. She may feel she had enough of yours!

What kind of conversation(s) did you have with your wife when you realized you made a mistake?