I'm sorry, Breakaway. My mom was an alcoholic (she's been sober more than 25 years now), and so was my aunt (ditto), my grandmother and my grandfather.
I have mixed feelings. It's like...okay then...this is the key to the puzzle, and I have a place to go now to learn how to deal with it. And the other part is overwhelming because I don't know how much he is likely to change...the best intentions in the world don't really make any difference if he can't stop drinking.
BUT...one day at a time. I went to church today for maybe the third time in a year..and we sang On Christ The Solid Rock I Stand, all other ground is sinking sand....so I'll make it through, I'm standing on a rock.
So here's some stuff from my Al Anon pamphlet on the MerryGoRound of Denial:
The third character is the key person in the play, the spouse. She is the Provoker. She is hurt and upset by repeated drinking episodes, but she holds the family together despite all the trouble caused by his drinking. In turn, she feeds back into the marriage her bitterness, resentment, fear, and hurt, and so becomes the source of provocation. She controls, she tries to force the changes she wants; OR she sacrifices, adjusts, never gives up, never gives in, but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is that his failure should be acceptable, but she must never fail him! He acts with complete independence, and insists he will do as he pleases, and he expects her to do exactly what he tells her to do.
This character might also be the called the Adjuster; she is constantly adjusting to the crises and trouble caused by drinking. The alcoholic blames her for everything that goes wrong in the marriage; she tries everything possible to make her marriage work to prove him wrong......... She is so upset that she cannot talk to her husband without adding more guilt, bitterness, resentment, or hostility to the situation which is already almost unbearable. Yet the customs of our society train and condition the wife to play this role. If she does not, she finds herself going against what family and society regard as the wife's role. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home." This is where everyone goes when there's no place to go.
Then some stuff about denial....
...the real problem is that alcoholic is well aware of the truth he so strongly denies, He is aware of his failure. His guilt and remorse have become unbearable; he cannot tolerate criticism or advice from others. Above all, the memory of his helplessness and failure is more than embarrassing; it is far too painful for a person who thinks and acts as if he were a little god in his own world.
the first person who joins the alcoholic on the Merry Go Round is the wife. If she absorbs injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises, is outwitted or undermined in every effort to cope with the situation, and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility directed toward her, her own reaction is hostility, bitterness, anxiety, and anger. Playing the role in this way makes the wife sick. She is a woman who becomes part of the illness by living with it. She is put in a role which forces her to become the Provoker. She is caught between alcoholism and the wall of ignorance, shame, and embarrassment inflicted upon her by society. This crushes her; she needs info and counseling.
Part two: Another reason why the wife needs help in the plan of recovery is that if she changes her role and begins to act in a new way she will discover she is standing alone. Others will treat her as an actor that is deserting a play when there is no substitute to take her part. This is especially true when the wife separates from her husband by choice or by necessity.
That paragraph made me think of Goldey...thinking of you Goldey, you aren't alone. And thankfully, I don't feel alone either now.
The Moral Issue No one has the right to play God and demand the alcoholic stop drinking. The reverse is also true. The alcoholic can only continue to act like a little god, telling everyone what to do while doing as he pleases, if a supporting cast continues to play this role. The wife has every moral right and responsibility to refuse to act as if her husband were God Almighty whose every wish and commandment she must obey. As a rule, she cannot tell her husband anything for he refuses to hear it. Her only effective means of telling him what she means is to free herself from his attempt to control and dictate what she is to do. This independence may be exercised in silence, it need not be expressed in words.
Two things may interfere with success in a long-range program for the wife. First the husband's attitude toward the new role may range from disapproval to direct threats or violence Second, responsibilities in the home make it difficult to get away to meetings, etc. A wife cannot make such a change unless she believes it to be the right and moral choice, so she must understand the nature of alcoholism. She must also have the courage to stand against her husband's opposition to her own program of recovery. A wife cannot be expected to do what is beyond her emotional and financial capacity. However, by remaining in a program of her own, she may be able to solve problems which at first seemed too difficult.
Okay so that's all a bit dim and depressing, but at the same time it shows me that the control issues are wrapped up in the alcoholism. So I feel less crazy and more detached. And even more loving toward him. Not doormat loving but just a calmer sense that this is out of control behavior. So I need to get IN control of my own behavior.
So, that's a place to start. And the courage is going to come partly from here.
Something as simple as saying Please do XYZ is so much better than Make sure you do XYZ. He used to start all sentences with "make sure" and "you need to"
Also telling me I am superwoman now means I have to follow through on that! LOL. People live up to their expectations I guess, so he's stopped telling me I never do anything!
