Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice II

Your wife needs to feel this way for a bit so don't come out of the shadows just yet calming all her fears. If it's a tunnel she's been in, she has to walk out on her own.

She needs to see you for the attractive, ever-growing and improving, AVAILABLE man that she left. Until she does that with both eyes wide open, she isn't doing anything more than showing a jealous streak.

Do you hear me?
Don't reward that.

Hell yes, I felt vulnerable.
More than that, I broke completely.
And starting with my husband, I went to each person I'd harmed during my 2+years in MLC, including my children who were around 9 and 12 at the time, and I started the process of apology and atonement. I say process because it takes so much more than words. It takes action. A lot of it that must take place over time. Sometimes it takes a long, long time...Allowing oneself to feel vulnerable after being the most active participant in such horrible destruction is hard. And that's an understatement. You'll find out what your wife is made of at this stage. Will she turn back and face the music, with all the risks that come with it, and be prepared to toe the very long and narrow line to restoration, or will she turn AWAY because the weight of the shame and guilt is going to be SO incredibly difficult to bear? I have done both - yet I always returned to stand and just last weekend had the breakthrough I've waited 3 years for and had all but given up on ever having.

I hope your wife turns back.
Because the knowledge you have from this site will strengthen you - and make no mistake - you will have to be strong. She might come home and fall apart. You will have to shelve your own justifiable anger and help put her back together before you could have those very difficult and honest talks that you will have to have about all this.

The good news is that she's talking to her friend and it seems trying to feel you out. I'd say be gracious. This hasn't been a picnic for her either. Although at times I know it seemed like it. No one knows the things that haunt a walkaway wife. I do though. And they don't walk away scot-free. There's a terrible burden attached to it.

There's also a terrible burden attached to walking back.

So be gracious.

If it's in your heart to be.

Sorry to be waivering so much lately. Told my son this morning that until she ends her relationship with OM, then there is nothing. My hope that this will end with him is failing. I told my son that as well. I don't want to hear anymore about how miserable she is, or how I need to do this or tat to save my marriage. There is nothing to save until he is gone, end of story. The emotions of the holiday are getting to me. Let her crash if that is what she neds to do and let her do it without me around, whatever. I stayed awake almost all night thinking all this over. When am I not upset or in pain over this, when I don't hear about her, from her or see her. I know absence makes the heart grow founder, but I am doubting that statement in my situation. I think out of site out of mind is more my sitch right now. She doesn't give a rats ass about me, marriage, relationship or her own dignity. I am trying too hard to stay focused and committed, and for what....I need to face the reality that she is most likely never coming back because she is that screwed in her head. I believe she is what she is right now and she is never going to change back or forward in any way that will reconcile this marriage. I will most likely not be posting for a while as the emotional strain of this epiphany have taken its toll on me. thank you all for your support and advice, but now, well now I just don't know.

Thanks AmyC, you are a savior. I wrote the above before reading your response. I am so glad you have reached the stage you want (moving back in?). I have decided tostart going to church. I am not religious, but I need to do something that will make m feel good and restore my hope and faith, funny as it sounds, this is what I think will help me the most. People who know me look at me like I am nuts, but I need something right now, signs from something at a higher plane.

She did like her card, her best friend called me first thing this morning. I had chills. My W text me first thing this morning and thanked me for the card. told her she was welcome, then reminded her about car ins money. reality. I am ver scared right now. Because, I don't know what I am doing any more. I just want to lock myself away for a while and not hear about her, from her or see her. I just don't. I am scared that my lying awake in bed last night, reviewing, thinking, retracing and acknowledging certain things have given me some more strength, anger, resentment, patience and confusion. Is this uncommon? Can anybody tell me exactly how I can regain control? the more control I am in my life, the more I want this situation to end. Is that common? More than anytime right now i want to go toher, shake her, slap her and tell her to wake the hell up out of this god forsaken fantasty she is in and get with the program. You have a man devoted to you, a familythat is in turmoil, friends who don't know if you re coming or going and other friends telling me to kick you to the curb and run from you as fast and far as I can (her firends as well).

All of this, because I sent a damn birthday card, because I expected the Heavens to open its gates, to have Angels flock to us and push us togheter because of her possible turning back. (i didn't really believe it but I had expectations higher than reasonable). I absolutely hate myself for thinking this way, this is the opposite of where I was up until I got that damn phone call tuesday night from her best friend. Her best friend told me she handed her the card to read and then put it on the kitchen island for everyone to see. She told me if the card had no impact on her, she would've put it back in the envelope and push aside with her mail. She told me tjhe action wasn't wasted. I told her I don't know anything anymore, she has told me now to wait, keep doing what I am doing and wait and watch and hope. Like I haven't been doing that for 4 months. I appreciate my "sister" for her concern, advice and words, but seriously, like i said in the other post, none of this means anything until she realizes it. everything else is bupkiss...AmyC you understand me better than most people I am in touch with and we only text. Same for T'Gone. I think because I only sound off here and look for advice hear over the past 2 months or so. you have gotten to know how strong and vulnerable i really am. My fragility is beginiing to increase, I am not happy about that at all. I have a great weekend planned, and quite honestly, I 'd rather astay home locked in my house.

LD you go ahead and lock yourself up in the house. At least it will leave you lots of time to journal here. You can let the others know how that's working out for ya.

Sorry to be a smartass.
I do feel what you are going through.
You express yourself very well here.

Let me tell you about my husband though.
He stood alone, with not one single person to talk to, without a board to help him understand me or even just to express himself on. He was 100% alone. He doesn't have a lot of strong male friendships. To this day, he has never discussed our marital problems with anyone - but he prayed.

Other than that he stood and fought - a helluva fight too - for 2 and a half years.

HE STOOD ALONE.

So don't you tell that you can't do this anymore.
I know you want to quit at times.
I know at times it feels this fight is futile.
But if what I suspect about you is correct, your heart is not going to let you quit. Just like my husband's heart would not let him quit.

Take a breather.
Lockdown for a night or two.
Go to church.

Whatever it takes.

Don't let your feeling of vulnerability scare you off.

It's a good place you're at.

Trust me.

I know.

LonelyD,

Hang in, I go through the same 'yo-yo' pattern myself of accepting the OM situation one minute and blowing up about it the next. And I have my W sending scouts in to determine if I'm seriously with someone or not too, all the while she LIVES with OM.

There's one key word in your posts you need to remove from your vocabulary at this point - expectations. It's one of the things that I'm starting to learn to not have myself.

Good post, dday!

Thanks Dday i have read your stuff on the other posts. AmyC, I said it once i'll say it again, you know me very well. I feel like i keep letting myself down. I have been hard to her, not mean, but hard and everyone who knows me would rather have me mad at them then hard. I do not accept this OM and again, people who know me are wondering why he is still upright. Not bragging, but this is what is expected. I have pretty much 180'd everyone, even me. I stay off the roller coaster, I really do, but I can't help running back to watch her on the ride. I need someone. yes I have friends, strong friends, but like your husband no one to really confide in except this board. I am so tired. My ambition, sometimes, wanes, and I hate myself for it. I do not blame her for my feeling this way, i blame me for letting myself feel sorry for myself.

It is hard, it is worth fighting for, but some mornings i get up and look around, the laundry that gets done daily, how clean my house is, the quiet and peace, the conversations with my daughter, us laughing about nothing or something stupid. when the BIL is out, it will be me and her and she wants me to teach her to cook and other things. she takes good care of me and doesn't let me fall. she yells at me when i do, chip off theold block.

I will keep on here on the board, only because you all know what its like and where I am going and what I should do, mostly. Do I want a girlfriend right now, no. I would be lousy company for a woman right now. she'd probably shoot herself after I nighht of me . thanks for your words and the 2x4. Dday, great hearing from you. Like the Meatloaf song says "I can't be what I'm not". i have to be true to that phrase. I can't be lower than I am. My head is being held very high and I have no reason t let it drop. the word expectations is huge, I agree. After my little self revelations last night, I have none, not from her. I expect to go out this weekend with my firends, I expect I'll dance up a storm, I expect I'll have a blast and I expect I'll crash in front of my TV and watch football on sunday. Great Expectations. Talk to you all tomorrow. I'll follow upsunday wuith the weekend report.

I'd hate to tell you, but just about everything in that post indicates you ARE on the ride.

I guess I should have looked at your thread sooner, we're much the same, all the way down to the resident BIL.

Definately get your self out and spoil yourself sometimes. I started the week off pretty crappy, but since W took it upon herself to take both our kids Mon & Tues I treated myself to dinner and socializing at the pub, worked some magic for gaining a PMA that I've been lacking. We've had to speak the past 2 night due to a problem with one of our sons and W has been very hostile with me yet I did not fire in return, bit my tongue at times, but that's what needs to be done. Like you, I am very hot tempered and I've had my opportunities to take my vengence out on OM many a times. Oddly, other than the fact he courts my W with my kids around, I could care less about him, he wants her in this state, he can have her.

It's very easy to lie to ourselves and say we're okay when the truth is far from it.

Enjoy YOUR time with your daughter and focus your energy there, as a child from a broken home myself, I know what my kids are going through right now, and it sucks.

Hang in man. Someone once told me "it's not how weather the storm, but how dance in the rain", I keep trying to bear that in mind at my darker times.

thanks, yeah I know it sounds that way, but I really don't get on, its the watching that kills me. She is in a fog, no doubt, and i agrre with you, if someone else wants her this way, good luck,. Problem is that they are getting someone who just doesn't give a $%^&. I am ok without sweeing her, hearing about her or contacting her. when I do, there is always some underlying crap or opinion or sign from someone that she is looking over her sitch. and wondering. I have to stop believing anything anyone says, the same way I stopped belieivng anything she says. I am looking forward to the weekend and I know I'll have a blast.

But guess what? That's not YOUR PROBLEM!

I know it's hard to do (I stumble on this often) but you need stop being concerned about what's going with her life and focus on YOURS.

I've come to learn the past few days from being on here way much more than I should and reading a lot of threads that this whole situation may take a VERY long time to unfold completely. I'm in my fifth month of dealing with OM (knowingly) and near 8th of seperation in various states.

Honestly I wish didn't have to talk to my W at all right now, the less I do the better I feel because currently she is NOT her half the time, but with kids in the mix it gets rough.

As I posted in my own thread, now she is enraged at me because now I'm being the calm parent while whatever she's going through, MLC?, she is the one yelling and screaming all the time at them. This used to be the complete opposite. So, if OM wants a raging 'psycho mom' who does nothing else but drink and smoke herself to sleep, all the power to him.